Discussion Does anyone else cling to a little hope?

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I have small hope for the future, like two years from now maybe i could improve my situation and be happier, but thinking about the immediate future is so overwhelming and scary.

 

[gingerplum]

I've lost hope. So many years this way. I'm resistant to medication. I'm on ketamine now, don't know that it's helping. It does in the moment and it's so short acting. I've tried therapy. Groups. Hospitalizations. My last treatment would be ECT. I'm not fucking doing that.

You know, as barbaric as it sounds, ECT is the gold standard for profound depression. It's a miracle for some people. And, ironically, they say it really helps overcome suicidal ideation. Are you completely opposed to it?

 

[15dec]

I have small hope for the future, like two years from now maybe i could improve my situation and be happier, but thinking about the immediate future is so overwhelming and scary.

Yeah, I understand. I go through many ups and downs and I've eventually decided that I'm not prepared to continue going through this -and putting my loved ones through it- for the next few decades. I find the future scary as well, you're not alone. Best wishes, hugs

 

[TiredHorse]

I was a fantasy writer before my beloved left and the writer's block set in. I have a well-honed ability to construct intricate imaginary situations where hope feels reasonable. I craft them like soap bubbles in the park on a summer day. Then reality pops those bubbles, winter collapses in on me once more, and I know there is no hope to regain the joy I once knew.

So yes, I do still cling to hope, resentfully. It is a damnable impediment to executing the rational decision I have made.

 

[15dec]

I was a fantasy writer before my beloved left and the writer's block set in. I have a well-honed ability to construct intricate imaginary situations where hope feels reasonable. I craft them like soap bubbles in the park on a summer day. Then reality pops those bubbles, winter collapses in on me once more, and I know there is no hope to regain the joy I once knew.

So yes, I do still cling to hope, resentfully. It is a damnable impediment to executing the rational decision I have made.

I feel quite similar, one thing stopping me from ctb immediately is the slim chance things will just fall back into place and be okay. You sound like a brilliant writer, by the way -I used to write a lot as well, nowadays I have a lot of writers block but I still manage to make some poems and short stories, mostly for self-grief though. Hugs

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I was a fantasy writer before my beloved left and the writer's block set in. I have a well-honed ability to construct intricate imaginary situations where hope feels reasonable. I craft them like soap bubbles in the park on a summer day. Then reality pops those bubbles, winter collapses in on me once more, and I know there is no hope to regain the joy I once knew.

So yes, I do still cling to hope, resentfully. It is a damnable impediment to executing the rational decision I have made.

the description of hope like soap bubbles being popped is really cool, i really like it

 

[checking out]

It's interesting how those who have never endured depression, dissatisfaction with life etc always tell you 'it's going to get better'. Life for me has been disintegrating year after year for many years now. I see no sign of 'life getting better'. With each year passing I think 'I'm glad that year has passed. Maybe next year things will get better' and yet each year brings more disappointments, sadness and hopelessness. The mountain to climb back to contentedness (not even looking for 'happiness' anymore) seems just so high. Like Anima said in their post I just exist too. I don't feel like I've 'lived' for years. I am lucky in that I have not endured some of the awful things that other members have lived through. I am also in good health. However life is so utterly pointless that it just doesn't seem worth persisting.

 

[15dec]

It's interesting how those who have never endured depression, dissatisfaction with life etc always tell you 'it's going to get better'. Life for me has been disintegrating year after year for many years now. I see no sign of 'life getting better'. With each year passing I think 'I'm glad that year has passed. Maybe next year things will get better' and yet each year brings more disappointments, sadness and hopelessness. The mountain to climb back to contentedness (not even looking for 'happiness' anymore) seems just so high. Like Anima said in their post I just exist too. I don't feel like I've 'lived' for years. I am lucky in that I have not endured some of the awful things that other members have lived through. I am also in good health. However life is so utterly pointless that it just doesn't seem worth persisting.

That's how I feel, with life slowly becoming worse and worse. I'm tired of finally getting good things and feeling great just to ruin things or lose them. People who have suffered with depression have told me things will get better and I've said it before too, though I don't really believe it. Sometimes I think it's just a lie we tell ourselves because we're scared of death and want to convince ourselves things will be brilliant. It does feel very hopeless now, you're not alone. Sending you hugs

 

[Xerxes]

Hope is something that keeps me alive. Sometimes I don't want to have hope anymore, but just like survival instinct, it's there.

 

[15dec]

Hope is something that keeps me alive. Sometimes I don't want to have hope anymore, but just like survival instinct, it's there.

Yeah, I feel you. Sometimes I wish I could abandon it and ctb but there's always a little bit of hope things will be okay the next day. Best wishes, hugs

 

[checking out]

That's how I feel, with life slowly becoming worse and worse. I'm tired of finally getting good things and feeling great just to ruin things or lose them. People who have suffered with depression have told me things will get better and I've said it before too, though I don't really believe it. Sometimes I think it's just a lie we tell ourselves because we're scared of death and want to convince ourselves things will be brilliant. It does feel very hopeless now, you're not alone. Sending you hugs

Thankyou for the hugs. Sending you some back. I have been at the point of killing myself in the past. I had everything ready and was quite sure the time was right. I was literally just about to swallow an anti-emetic and commence the plan when a friend turned up to visit. That 'broke the circuit' and I haven't been back to that point again yet. I don't think hope keeps me alive - I think I'm more just waiting for everything to align again and I know then it will be time. I feel that things need to be done before I can check out - I don't want to leave a mess behind for others to have to clear up. Once I have everything in order then perhaps the time will be right again.

 

[15dec]

Thankyou for the hugs. Sending you some back. I have been at the point of killing myself in the past. I had everything ready and was quite sure the time was right. I was literally just about to swallow an anti-emetic and commence the plan when a friend turned up to visit. That 'broke the circuit' and I haven't been back to that point again yet. I don't think hope keeps me alive - I think I'm more just waiting for everything to align again and I know then it will be time. I feel that things need to be done before I can check out - I don't want to leave a mess behind for others to have to clear up. Once I have everything in order then perhaps the time will be right again.

I've been through similar things, with people coming home early and whatnot. I'm waiting for the perfect opportunity as well, and in the meantime I'm trying to come to term with my own passing and make sure but I leave behind a suicide note that with any luck will help bring some closure to my loved ones. There are many things I want to do before I ctb but the list seems almost unending, and I know that if I start doing some of them it'll just keep me from my goal. I hope you can do the things you need to before your time, best wishes

 

[checking out]

Yes it's a good point you make regarding a long list of things to do. I think that when the time nears everything else will gradually become less important and start to drop away. I hope you can be satisfied that things are in order when you decide to leave. All the best to you

 

[TAW122]

Yes, there are times that I do, and I blame the survival instinct and the irrational part of my human nature for it. I know rationally speaking, I will not live to old age, nor would I want to die in an assisted living facility. I will die by my own hands and under my own terms.

 

[15dec]

Yes, there are times that I do, and I blame the survival instinct and the irrational part of my human nature for it. I know rationally speaking, I will not live to old age, nor would I want to die in an assisted living facility. I will die by my own hands and under my own terms.

Yeah, couldn't agree more about survival instincts and human nature. Even though my mind knows it's best my body resists. Sending hugs

 

[Johnnythefox]

I just designed this so I'm going with no.

 

[Lefty]

I've also tried anti-depressants and I've been hospitalized. None of it seems to work. I really think it is best to end my time. I do have a buck list of things I'd like to do, but who knows if I'll get to them before my end.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Like some of us on here, I feel I'm past my use by date! I'm the original eternal pessimist coupled with my existential nihilism.

 

[Xerxes]

Hope can drive a man insane ~Morgan Freeman (Shawshank Redemption)

 

[15dec]

I've also tried anti-depressants and I've been hospitalized. None of it seems to work. I really think it is best to end my time. I do have a buck list of things I'd like to do, but who knows if I'll get to them before my end.

I thought antidepressants were my last hope but I'm incredibly unlikely to be prescribed them. I hope you can do at least some of the things on your bucket list before your time comes to an end, best wishes. Hugs

 

[15dec]

Like some of us on here, I feel I'm past my use by date! I'm the original eternal pessimist coupled with my existential nihilism.

I feel the same honestly, I've definitely been here far too long. Hugs

 

[Lefty]

I thought antidepressants were my last hope but I'm incredibly unlikely to be prescribed them. I hope you can do at least some of the things on your bucket list before your time comes to an end, best wishes. Hugs

Thank you. Hugs back.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I thought antidepressants were my last hope but I'm incredibly unlikely to be prescribed them. I hope you can do at least some of the things on your bucket list before your time comes to an end, best wishes. Hugs

I wouldn't recommend antidepressants, I've been on all sorts and have no joy. Thinking of stopping them also. They can also have a detrimental effect on young people.

 

[15dec]

I wouldn't recommend antidepressants, I've been on all sorts and have no joy. Thinking of stopping them also. They can also have a detrimental effect on young people.

Yeah, I've been in counselling before that didn't seem to help at all and since then I've definitely deteriorated and coped much worse. The next step would've been antidepressants but my history of ODs and partly my age means they don't want to do that, which is unfortunate in case it did actually help me. Mental health treatment in my area isn't great so there isn't much left for me unless I fancy CBT again but I don't think there's much point.

 

[Anima]

I thought antidepressants were my last hope but I'm incredibly unlikely to be prescribed them. I hope you can do at least some of the things on your bucket list before your time comes to an end, best wishes. Hugs

Why unlikely?
..... I think they are ineffective in 2/3 of severe depression or sth last je that. As long as there's no proof what causes all this it's just trial an error meaning loads of money

 

[dyingtodie]

Most hugged up thread ever. Loving it. Virtual hugs from me as well!

Ahh, Hope! My archnemesis, how I long to destroy you for good but your innocent naivete just melts my heart and I heed your welp to wait another day. But soon Hope, soon...mark my words!

I sure wish I had someone to talk to, you know, one of you dead or dying folks...cause talking to the living, man, that's a bummer! Then I hate myself for not forcing myself to live, against my will, so I may too be like them, when I see their ignorant smiles - hahaha, lalala, look, I'm happy-optimistic-man! Depression CAN get better. But, probably not when it's due to seeing reality as it really is. Or due to feeling the ongoing horrors and atrocities surrounding us as if they're happening IN us. If I landed here tomorrow, an ET, sooo well, happy and high flying, surely after a weekend with a laptop to fill me in on the deets of your Earthly ways of being, I'd find myself writing this post here, with y'all. Love you all (in the sense I believe that there is ultimately ONE self, that's been broken up into lots of suicidal little selves, because the loving creator wanted to experience suicidal hell so that it could finally return, to itself, jeez dude, just stay home! ... well, now that you know what this feels like, I sure hope to Christ next time, you will.)

 

[15dec]

Why unlikely?
..... I think they are ineffective in 2/3 of severe depression or sth last je that. As long as there's no proof what causes all this it's just trial an error meaning loads of money

Partly due to my age, and due to a past history of ODs a mental health worker said she would never even consider it, so there's a good chance other workers would follow the same thought process and carry on putting me in counselling which hasn't helped instead.

 

[stargazer]

I voted Never because I feel I'm just too far gone, in terms of poor career prospects, declining physical/mental health, and not wanting to have to become a full-time carer (eventually) for my parents in the coming decade or two.

I also just don't like where society is heading, too many people in the world, too much competition for everything not just jobs. So I just don't want to be around anymore. And I'm 24 now.

 

[15dec]

Most hugged up thread ever. Loving it. Virtual hugs from me as well!

Ahh, Hope! My archnemesis, how I long to destroy you for good but your innocent naivete just melts my heart and I heed your welp to wait another day. But soon Hope, soon...mark my words!

I sure wish I had someone to talk to, you know, one of you dead or dying folks...cause talking to the living, man, that's a bummer! Then I hate myself for not forcing myself to live, against my will, so I may too be like them, when I see their ignorant smiles - hahaha, lalala, look, I'm happy-optimistic-man! Depression CAN get better. But, probably not when it's due to seeing reality as it really is. Or due to feeling the ongoing horrors and atrocities surrounding us as if they're happening IN us. If I landed here tomorrow, an ET, sooo well, happy and high flying, surely after a weekend with a laptop to fill me in on the deets of your Earthly ways of being, I'd find myself writing this post here, with y'all. Love you all (in the sense I believe that there is ultimately ONE self, that's been broken up into lots of suicidal little selves, because the loving creator wanted to experience suicidal hell so that it could finally return, to itself, jeez dude, just stay home! ... well, now that you know what this feels like, I sure hope to Christ next time, you will.)

Yeah, hugs for everyone! Lol. Depression can get better but I guess I've hit a bit of a breaking point to be honest. I can't really escape the hope that things will magically be okay or that I'll finally get treatment that works. Best wishes friend, hugs (again!)

 

[Paulsmith]

I've sometime think there is hope then it's taken away from me soon after. Death is a blessing and I'm glad it's coming in a matter of days hopefully