I think chatGPT is pretty good in spotting cognitive distortions. For me this was thus far the best answer I received thus far. My friends who hate AI had to admit the answer about congnitive distortions was quite fitting and impressive.
And one distortion is the thought-action diffusion.
It says it seems like sometimes I treat thoughts like actions when it comes to ethics and morality. I judge myself for thoughts almost as much as for actions.
And I think it is one reason why I like SaSu I can speak what is on my mind no matter how stigmatized it is.
My grandma is dying. And I try to treat her well. And I told her I love her and all of that. We had a difficult relationship. We are quite different.
I have to admit I also envy my grandma for dying soon. I wish I could give her my remaining time on earth. I know she probably feels horrible, the process of dying is very distressing and probably nightmarish. And I would not be as strong as her. But if I knew I am going to die very soon I think I would look forward to it. No more worrying about the future. Though, one has to say there is no certainty that she dies soon. The process could take a while and there is also no rock bottom how bad it can get. I am just really scared. My real mental agony started in 2015. And so much fucked up shit happened since. I am pretty sure I cannot postpone my suicide for a couple of decades. Actually, I think for my grandma it is probably better not to witness what is going to happen. She won't experience that I commit suicide and which impact this will have on my family. She also doesn't know that I almost attempted in 2024. She is also religious and warned me about hell if I want to commit suicide. You know my grandma loves me and forgave me a lot.
But when I look back at my time when I was a child....I don't have that many memories of her. And I feel very guilty for saying that I don't have many good memories of her when I was a child. She drove me a lot to school. And then we had our conversation. Something that struck me the most. The thing that goes through my mind a lot. Backstory: My mom abused the shit out of me on a daily basis. Mostly to perform better in school. Sometimes when my grandparents witnessed it they told her not be so harsh to me. Then my family pretends no one actually witnessed it. I was crying all the time. And I was very distressed. The thing that strucks my mind the most is. When she was driving me from school back to home. She told me one day will have made it. You will be a higher up at a good company: (earning a lot of money). I am pretty sure I was like 15-17 when she told me that. I already was suicidal that age. Couldn't talk with anyone about it. I hated my life, I started to watch gore to cope with this hellhole. They never really asked how do you genuinely feel. What is going on in your mind. Are you doing well? All they cared about was money, a career and stuff like that. And now I am a mental wreck who will have the choice between poverty with a nightmarish mental health or suicide.
I think my whole family is uneducated as fuck. And they have not thought about the consequences of their actions. In some way this is a defense. But it is not smart to pass intergenerational traumata without reflecting on it. My family is going through hell. And the worst is yet to come. The real issues just started. And I want out. I simply want to quit. For me not committing suicide is my gift for my family. I cannot give more back. And honestly I am not sure how long that will work. I try to support my family as good as I can. I notice though my resources are quite limited.
I feel very bad for my grandma. And I try to compliment her a lot. Express how much I love her. But there happened so much shit. And I feel guilty to judge my family. She will be dead and then I can take anything back. And I try to be as good to her as possible. But my family has done so much shit to me. They put me through so much fucked up and traumatizing shit. I had to listen to extremely cynical shit that made me sick to my stomach. I think I have caused and will cause a lot of pain to my family. But it reminds me of a profile text of a member oh here. "Earnt it we have." Yes, this family has brought hell on earth to itself. I think the members were not conscious of it while starting the process. I think the worst is yet to come. And I think not having to witness our downfall is sort of a blessing.
And one distortion is the thought-action diffusion.
It says it seems like sometimes I treat thoughts like actions when it comes to ethics and morality. I judge myself for thoughts almost as much as for actions.
And I think it is one reason why I like SaSu I can speak what is on my mind no matter how stigmatized it is.
My grandma is dying. And I try to treat her well. And I told her I love her and all of that. We had a difficult relationship. We are quite different.
I have to admit I also envy my grandma for dying soon. I wish I could give her my remaining time on earth. I know she probably feels horrible, the process of dying is very distressing and probably nightmarish. And I would not be as strong as her. But if I knew I am going to die very soon I think I would look forward to it. No more worrying about the future. Though, one has to say there is no certainty that she dies soon. The process could take a while and there is also no rock bottom how bad it can get. I am just really scared. My real mental agony started in 2015. And so much fucked up shit happened since. I am pretty sure I cannot postpone my suicide for a couple of decades. Actually, I think for my grandma it is probably better not to witness what is going to happen. She won't experience that I commit suicide and which impact this will have on my family. She also doesn't know that I almost attempted in 2024. She is also religious and warned me about hell if I want to commit suicide. You know my grandma loves me and forgave me a lot.
But when I look back at my time when I was a child....I don't have that many memories of her. And I feel very guilty for saying that I don't have many good memories of her when I was a child. She drove me a lot to school. And then we had our conversation. Something that struck me the most. The thing that goes through my mind a lot. Backstory: My mom abused the shit out of me on a daily basis. Mostly to perform better in school. Sometimes when my grandparents witnessed it they told her not be so harsh to me. Then my family pretends no one actually witnessed it. I was crying all the time. And I was very distressed. The thing that strucks my mind the most is. When she was driving me from school back to home. She told me one day will have made it. You will be a higher up at a good company: (earning a lot of money). I am pretty sure I was like 15-17 when she told me that. I already was suicidal that age. Couldn't talk with anyone about it. I hated my life, I started to watch gore to cope with this hellhole. They never really asked how do you genuinely feel. What is going on in your mind. Are you doing well? All they cared about was money, a career and stuff like that. And now I am a mental wreck who will have the choice between poverty with a nightmarish mental health or suicide.
I think my whole family is uneducated as fuck. And they have not thought about the consequences of their actions. In some way this is a defense. But it is not smart to pass intergenerational traumata without reflecting on it. My family is going through hell. And the worst is yet to come. The real issues just started. And I want out. I simply want to quit. For me not committing suicide is my gift for my family. I cannot give more back. And honestly I am not sure how long that will work. I try to support my family as good as I can. I notice though my resources are quite limited.
I feel very bad for my grandma. And I try to compliment her a lot. Express how much I love her. But there happened so much shit. And I feel guilty to judge my family. She will be dead and then I can take anything back. And I try to be as good to her as possible. But my family has done so much shit to me. They put me through so much fucked up and traumatizing shit. I had to listen to extremely cynical shit that made me sick to my stomach. I think I have caused and will cause a lot of pain to my family. But it reminds me of a profile text of a member oh here. "Earnt it we have." Yes, this family has brought hell on earth to itself. I think the members were not conscious of it while starting the process. I think the worst is yet to come. And I think not having to witness our downfall is sort of a blessing.
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