Discussion Do you SH because you want to CTB?

[FieldsofLavender]

I have a really intense SH addiction, my psychiatrist says it's because my brain releases an excessive amount of opiates into my system when I do it. When I first started SHing, though, I did it because I wanted to ctb, even though it's nothing like that now. What is it like for you?

 

[jodes2]

I've never really SH'd. Unless you count fruitless CTB attempts. I don't enjoy pain. Although there was some satisfaction trying to CTB. The closest I've come to SH is putting a needle in my veins to see how much I could bleed. But I hate pain and avoid it wherever possible. I don't get any release from it. I've been suicidal on and off for 20 years. Or 35 if you count wanting to be dead since I was 6. But I've never really self harmed and I'm terrified of pain. I wish I could get some sort of high from something. I haven't done hard drugs for 20 years, not because I don't want to, it's just very hard to get anything and I usually get scammed. Fuck the war on drugs. Why the fuck do they have to deny such pleasures. Yet the hypocritical law makers take oodles of cocaine, the fucking rich hypocritical bastards. I wish I had more money so I could go out and actually try to enjoy myself. Take risks. Get a buzz. But SH wouldn't do that for me. I'm left just with emptiness and a craving for things I just can't get. I wish I'd died a long time ago. I should have died at birth, I was premature. But the bastards didn't let nature take its course, they "saved" a baby who was to have problem after problem, not caring what misery they were bringing into the world.

 

[xenoz]

I don't SH often because the pain doesn't really make me feel better the way it does for other people. I will however go to it if I was recently reprimanded or yelled at for doing something wrong and I feel I deserve the physical pain, and even then I've never cut even remotely as deep as other people who SH have. So yeah, I don't it consistently, just in moments of deep spiraling where I don't have a grip on my thoughts anyway.

(Also, love the profile pic! greetings fellow MIaBoMIaBoM enjoyer, lol. )

 

[FieldsofLavender]

Why the fuck do they have to deny such pleasures.

I... Kind of agree, yeah... I also hate pain too, I just happened to have a brain broken in just the perfect way that if I can grit my teeth and take it for a couple seconds, I'll have a wonderful high, ehehe... And it is really stupid to just deny lower classes any access to drugs, ehehe. Like, I hate that lots of people are reliant on them and could become that way, but at the same time... I just want to bliss out and not have to think about my painful little life...

(Also, love the profile pic! greetings fellow MIaBoMIaBoM enjoyer, lol. )

(Milk milk milk milk milk milk milk)

 

[jodes2]

I... Kind of agree, yeah... I also hate pain too, I just happened to have a brain broken in just the perfect way that if I can grit my teeth and take it for a couple seconds, I'll have a wonderful high, ehehe... And it is really stupid to just deny lower classes any access to drugs, ehehe. Like, I hate that lots of people are reliant on them and could become that way, but at the same time... I just want to bliss out and not have to think about my painful little life...

I'm glad you can get something out of it! I wish you could get that buzz without SHing but I guess it's better than nothing! Yeah addiction must suck. But if all drugs were legalised we could just keep taking drugs until we die and have a more satisfying life

 

[FieldsofLavender]

I'm glad you can get something out of it! I wish you could get that buzz without SHing but I guess it's better than nothing! Yeah addiction must suck. But if all drugs were legalised we could just keep taking drugs until we die and have a more satisfying life

Wireheading when, hehehe?

 

[MidnightCat]

I've been "clean" of real SH for the last 7 years.

Althought I miss it frequently. I did it (and want to) because it helped me stop thinking about life itself for a moment and that gave me peace of mind even if just for a second.

Also.. I hate myself, and the idea of hurting myself is a way to punish me.

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

I SH a lot, and it's very severe, I've had over 100 stitches and staples, and my arms are disfigured, so suffice to say, I am addicted. I do it for many reasons, but one big reason is to... prepare to ctb in a way. My view is hanging can't hurt as much as SHing to almost my muscle, so it gets me ready.

 

[Anon1337]

I think I mostly did it for validation and as a distraction. Even though no one sees my scars, it's visible 'proof' of my suffering.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I SH a lot, and it's very severe, I've had over 100 stitches and staples, and my arms are disfigured, so suffice to say, I am addicted. I do it for many reasons, but one big reason is to... prepare to ctb in a way. My view is hanging can't hurt as much as SHing to almost my muscle, so it gets me ready.

I was wondering about this so thank you for sharing. I used to self harm a lot for years and I've been thinking of giving into urges recently because the pain might make my attempt to ctb a bit easier for me to handle the thought of.

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

I was wondering about this so thank you for sharing. I used to self harm a lot for years and I've been thinking of giving into urges recently because the pain might make my attempt to ctb a bit easier for me to handle the thought of.

I thought the same thing, that SHing to prep myself to CTB could be helpful.

 

[SunnysSunset]

Eh, I guess. I do it mostly because I feel like when the scars form, I'm taking back control of my body and my pain is finally worth something because I can physically see it. When I SH and go deep I'm aware of the risk of hitting something vital and getting in serious harm, but I do it anyways with the knowledge that if I do fuck up it's less of an "this is what I wanted" and more of an "I guess this is fine" lol. Does that make sense?

 

[stermc]

I usually do it while I am having a crisis or dissociating; I don't know exactly why I do it, but I started because it used to make me focus on the pain on the body and stop thinking. Now it's more of a "dark" thing. Some kind of pleasure on seeing the skin being cut and the blood appearing.

 

[vultureilse]

i do it because i just really suck at handling my emotions and the only coping mechanisms that work for me are the self destructive ones. idk if this is weird but theres just something calming about the idea of slowly destroying myself more and more

seeing myself bleed is really relaxing when im sad or anxious. when i do it because of anger its more like just using myself as a punching bag lol

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I sh occasionally, though I do hate the sight of blood or really intense/long lasting pain so I don't do anything too severe. For me I do it because it can shock my system and ground me, though sometimes it's very short lived. I've never connected sh with wanting to ctb personally because I use it to cope with immediate overwhelming emotions or thoughts. Wanting to ctb for me is more of a constant thing that leads to other coping skills. I already probably won't ever have the guts to ctb in a peaceful way, no way I'd do it through sh where it would have to be pretty darn brutal.

 

[mushroomhive]

at first yeah then it just devolved into an addiction, it sounds edgy but i just loved seeing myself bleed. i'm clean now aside from some minor relapses but im covered in scars that are too deep to ever fade