Discussion Do you remember how old you were when you lost all hope?

[Spite]

After experiencing so much stress, despair, and misery, you may reach a 'point of no return'. You may start to think that things are never going to change, and that it will always be this way. The harsh truths of this world might become more apparent than ever.

Spoiler: Story you don't have to read, but it's here if you want to

In my case I've been depressed for a very long time, literally half of my entire life, but throughout my late teens and early 20s I remember I was still hopeful I could turn my life around, that it will get better - that someday I'll have my breakthrough moment - and it'll be one very lucky day/week/month where everything will work out in my favour, my life will lighten up, and I will be able to fully overcome my depressive, negative thoughts and go on to live a fulfilling, prosperous, worthwhile life. That thinking is perhaps a bit naïve, but it's something I held on to when I was younger.

I think that started to change around 2024. It's like... I felt a mental 'shift' in my mind. I remember saying to myself "Damn, I'm still depressed over the same things I've been depressed about since 2018, 2019, 2020, etc" Despite sinking into depression further around this time, I was still holding onto those tiny twinges of hope.

But I think just now at almost 28-years-old the realisation is starting to fully dawn on me that it is extremely likely it will always be like this. Once you realise that most of life is repetition, and things become more 'set in stone' the older you get, it's like... I'm starting to think to myself, if I've been depressed and suffering for the past 14 years, why would it ever change? I still hate wageslavery, I still have no friends and no social life. Probability trends would tell me that if I still hate working after doing it for the past 6 years, and if I still have no friends and no social life after 28 years, then I think it's safe to assume that this is what the rest of my life is going to be. I will always hate working, and I will never have friends or a social life. If there is any likelihood of this changing at all, it's near non-existent.

I can say for myself that, after 27 years and 11 months of being alive, I have pretty much lost all hope. I think I will officially raise the white flag on my 28th birthday. I'm done. I'm done trying and hoping that my life will get better. I'm not going to CTB (at least not just yet), but after I turn 28 I'm just... not even going to try anymore. I'll continue to exist, but over time, my mind, body and soul - my enthusiasm for life - will just slowly, slowly, wither away.

How about you? Obviously it's different for everyone but yeah, I think some people just get to this point after being alive for a certain amount of time, and... it breaks you. Many might start to feel this way in their 20s, maybe some might not get to this point until their 30s, 40s, etc. I don't know if it's something that can be treated...

 

[Hollowman]

At 49 something permanently broke in me. The only way I'm surviving is through my moms support. I should be really embarrassed but I'm so checked out I can't care. The only treatment is death.

 

[Lfsn_kivacs-rei]

This is really interesting, thank you for the post.

For me, it's been in steps. The first time I really felt it was at 19 (despair, world view tearing apart, long periods of not talking), then again at 22 (lots of SH but no attempt, very reckless lifestyle, begging for death), then a big one at 30-31 (I hurt someone deeply and went against my internal compass, sense of self shattered) where I attempted. That obviously didn't take.

I'm 37 now and there's not been a day since that attempt that I've been grateful to survive. Through a whole slew of issues, losses, the state of the world, chronic illness… I was broken back then and every day I look around like "how am I still here?". She is past her expiry date folks.

I'm sorry life has led you here. But you're not alone here as we all navigate our journeys.

 

[ravendrops]

Age 42 over here. The last 3 years of confusion heartache and absolute loss have done it for me. Like something is big deal broken.

 

[pax420]

I don't like this world either. I just turned 57 a week ago. I guess it's been a lifelong progression started by at about age 12 and finally turning into enough is enough a day or two before my 57th (and thank God) my last birthday. I had planned on ctb on may 30 th. I had a few really bad couple of years I lost my gf of 25 years due to unexpected death, our house, my car, my dogs, and everything I owned. Got strung out on fent, accidentally od'ed, had ,three heart attacks, three strokes, and a horrible round of pneumonia that left me on oxygen 24/7. This was the last three years of my life and I am going to write a life story explaining the rest soon. But after all that I had a date, a place, and the stuff to ctb all in order and I was ready. But....... I guess I had a little glimmer of hope pop up and I put it off. I had cataract surgery and I could see again, I had shoulder replacement surgery and I'm getting the use of my left arm back, and I found a new nebulizer medicine that was actually working and I found a little false hope that I fell for and changed my mind about offing myself. Then I walked outside warm sun beating down on me feeling good for the first time in years took off my oxygen and walked a good 20 feet before I fell out gasping for air lungs on fire. Then I finally realized this is it that was the best it will ever be. Bottom line I don't belong here anymore. Life no longer wants me and I don't want it. Times up. Ctb day is back on for Sept 30th. If I make it that long. To hell with hope. I'm not really depressed just so fucking tired.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I fully gave up around 15. My life was just finally too much for me after years of feeling horrible for many reasons. I made my first serious planned attempt then. I did try to kill myself as young as 7, but it was impulsive.

I wonder often if I was always going to end up as mentally ill as I am now, or if I did this to myself. I feel guilty for a lot that i caused in my childhood and teens. I wish I didn't have to think about it anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation for decades. Literally- 36 years to varying degrees. But, I would say I still had some hopes in those years. It's only been the last few years that I've begun to feel like- even if I achieved/ got what I thought I wanted- it wouldn't be enough and I still wouldn't be happy.

I think that's what's making it so hard to live really. That I don't see the point ultimately. Asides from holding on so as not to hurt my Dad, there doesn't feel much left for me. It's just a gruelling slog of trying to make it through as best I can.

 

[annointed_towers]

34

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't see how existing could ever be something hopeful in the first place rather it's the opposite, existence is the most terrible mistake that just causes all this torture, harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured and there's just so much evil in this terrible, dreadful existence with existing beings in agony every second.

I'll always see existing as something completely hopeless and it's just such a devastating tragedy how humans impose this existence and cause all this torture as a result, to be conscious burdened with this existence is always so torturous, to exist really means to suffer, I find it horrific how a human can suffer for decades longer just to face the terrible agony of old age and old age truly is just agonising extreme torture. To me existing feels like the most dreadful, undeserved punishment and simply just existing is enough to make me wish for the peace of non-existence, for me ceasing to exist is the positive solution to find peace from all future torture in this existence that is just waiting to die anyway.

 

[voc_89]

mid-30s (still scared to give out to much identifiers). For me its been off and on (just like with others). On in 2004 after a parent's death. Off in 2005 when i met my 2-year old half sister. On between 2006 and 2009 where my parent essentially abandoned (barely provided finanical support and sufficient housing) us in favor of the 'ex that got away' and their kids. Off between 2010 and mid-2012 when I met my first ever gf. Off in the second half in 2012 (my gf broke up with me a week before finals in my last school term) to 2014 (while the hopelessness was about the breakup I did not have SI, I refuse to CTB over love... though i get why that happens). Off between 2015 and 2018 (I decided to just become a ho... lol... not my best self then). And well On since 2019 (got into a car accident where the person who caused it fled the scene and police imo thought it was to much work to chase down my story so yh.... that was rough). My attempts though have been around 3/4 mainly cause i fear hurting my siblings

 

[Moodz]

I guess with 30 when I experienced my CPTSD for the first time after a breakup. During this time I didn't even know I had these kind of abandonment issues. Fell into severe depression for about two years. This was probably the worst time of my life in which my only objective was to off myself. Suffered the same experience a few years ago after another breakup after which I attempted. Now in my mid 40s I finally understand why I am like I am. Why I sabotaged my entire life. Why I don't like to be around people. Why I pushed family and friends away. Or why I was not able to settle down and have my own family. Being stuck in escapism sucks when you finally realize whats wrong with you after decades.

I am not really in pain, but I just don't see the point in continuing this dull existence anymore. I feel like I am stuck in a loop of nonsense in a very sick world and I don't have the energy and motivation to turn it around.

 

[chaoschuckler]

Had 1% hope that my uni life will b good at 17. Now i graduated it's 0%

 

[sadsillygoose]

Around 13-14 years old, and I used to think that life will get better. Its been 7 years, everytime I feel even slightest bit of hope or happiness I need to remind myself that I'm being delusional. Like I just have to distract myself from my thoughts and motivate myself to just get through the day, and then I look back to realise that its been years. Time has just blended into each other, each life milestone so far has been "yeah this sounds important, but I wasnt happy".