Discussion Do you pretend to be happy among people

[WhiteRabbit]

My husband is the only one who knows how I feel. I act happy around family but I don't see them that much. I've alienated all my friends years ago.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yes and it's quite easy for me to do most of the time. If my so called "loved ones" would rather lock me up for showing any honesty with how I feel about living or how futile it is for me to continue doing so, then I'm going put on the happiest fake smile I can even up to when my final days are near so that they'll never suspect a thing. They've been warned plenty of times already over the past year so they really shouldn't be too surprised when I finally go but even if they are I still wouldn't care. Then again maybe it's so easy for me to pretend to be happy around people BECAUSE I know that no matter what happens, I'm still fully intent on carrying out my CTB this year and there's very little that can be done to stop me.

 

[blueclover_.]

Short answer: Yes, in most cases.

Long answer: I have been playing the social game since i was in elementary school. All of my personalities are fabricated exactly to gain the upper hand of the social interaction at the time. My morals, characteristics, and ideologies can shift through between them according to my wish. At this point I do not have a real personality, and i've never had it in the first place. Maybe it is a weird coping mechanism that manifested itself in said form in order for me to psychologically survive the social hierarchy at the time.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

No. I try to stay emotionally neutral when I am in public, because that is honestly how I feel when going outside. But I am sure this behaviour is judged as being "miserable"; since apparently to (some) people the human emotional state is black and white.

I do not agree with acting happy just for the sake of it, but only if I am genuinely in that mood, and the same goes for being unhappy too.

 

[Myono93]

I used to think I put on a happy mask but found out I was not very good at it. At work or family functions people always commented that I looked like I didn't want to be there. I don't try to look happy anymore. I just don't talk about how miserable I actually am. No one wants to hear about that kind of shit.

 

[Somber]

I need the best way out before I lose the strength to make my own choice. Please show me how to find it.

Have you read the PPH on the options there are? They are rated by how practical and peaceful each method is. You can find links on this forum.

I pretend among most people. They can't solve it anyway so why bother them with knowledge that might complicate me getting a ticket. I do find it increasingly harder to pretend though.

 

[Sides]

Have you read the PPH on the options there are? They are rated by how practical and peaceful each method is. You can find links on this forum.

I pretend among most people. They can't solve it anyway so why bother them with knowledge that might complicate me getting a ticket. I do find it increasingly harder to pretend though.

I have downloaded the PPH and have begun to read it, thank you.

That's a lot of information to digest, though, and my time for reading is extremely limited at the moment. Within the last month I've suffered a major heart attack, gone into the death spiral of congestive heart failure and quick and progressive decline of my energy and physical abilities, had two of my best friends and my eldest stepson been diagnosed with COVID, tried to give my family a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, been dumped and abandoned by my psychiatrist, suffered amphetamine and benzodiazepine withdrawal, been taken to the ER and subsequently hospitalized where they confirmed myocardial infarction, performed left and right heart catheterization, and ultimately performed open heart bypass surgery (6 vessel CABG coronary artery bypass grafting, with 99% blockage of 3 of 4 main arteries), after which the psych consult and social worker reported me to the Department of Children and Families for being an unfit father for using drugs that could lead to cognitive decline (amphetamines, benzodiazepines.)

Now I am finally home from surgery and trying to recuperate, but I am weak as a baby and my wife is furious with me because DCF is coming to inspect the house and interrogate the children this week, and she is terrified that they are going to try to take our children away. We have retained a family law lawyer and are preparing to fight that battle, but I am so weak that I require my wife's assistance just to get into bed at night and out of bed in the morning, and I am exhausted and feel done for the day after shitting, shaving, and showering in the morning.

Man, what I am trying to say is that I am just exhausted, depressed, and in pain every moment of every day and night, and while I realize that catching the bus is not a decision to be made lightly or without serious research and consideration, any shortcuts or Cliff's Notes would be a blessing right now. I am just dead dog tired and in constant pain, but the problem is that God just keeps waking me up in the morning, when I wish He would just let me sleep forever and be at peace.

I do agree with you that it is getting harder and harder to pretend among other people, and put on the happy clown face in public. Especially when I was in the hospital recovering from open heart surgery and amphetamine withdrawal, and nurses had to help me on the toilet or to clean myself, and people would ask "So, how's it going?" I would just laugh and shake my head. How do I even begin to answer such a question?

If I told them how I truly feel, they would involuntarily lock me up or commit me to a psych ward or nursing home "for my own good." And that's not helping anybody, not me, not my family, not my chances of catching the bus.

So when people ask "How's it going?" then the only answer I can make is "Fine." Because what the fuck else am I going to say that won't make things worse, right?

I know you know how it is, which is why I love being here on this site among a family of like-minded people. Because the normal people are just going to tell me to "Think positive" or "Take it one day at a time" or some other Pollyanna Sunshine crap like that, and I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a long day. But then they are all long days now, and I get no rest at night without pain.

So all life is suffering.

 

[EliphasBlackwood]

Yes. I do it all the time. To my friends and to my family I do put up a jovial facade. Someone already mentioned the Pagliacci thing in this thread and it fits me to a t. I guess I do it for several reasons. Well for one is that I don't want to drag them down with my issues. I sometimes crack but I never reveal the true depths of my depression or that I'm suicidal.

 

[Chronicillness]

It's a common courtesy to put on a happy/neutral disposition when in public. I don't think you need to be an overachiever, and full-on role play a happy person's demeanor, but there's definitely some responsibility on your behalf to not project your suicidal desires/extreme suffering onto an innocent audience. Social etiquette is still very important to me. I treat others the same way that I would prefer to be treated. You get what you give.

I don't think you owe anyone more than what's needed to smoothly flow through necessary and/or unavoidable interactions. I'm curt, but politely curt, when interacting with other people. You can also make a polite lexical escape, rather than brusquely ending an interaction.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't need to be happy to be able to laugh at people.

 

[Somber]

I have downloaded the PPH and have begun to read it, thank you.

That's a lot of information to digest, though, and my time for reading is extremely limited at the moment.

There are tables in the PPH that rate different methods on various characteristics from how easy it is to obtain the resources to carry it out to the chances you'll succeed and how painful the process is. If you have little time to read skip ahead to those, choose what is important to you and just read the chapter on the method you've chosen.

Don't cut any corners though, you don't want to end up worse due to a failed attempt. I can't tell you what method is best for you or even if CBT is the right choice, there might be other solutions entirely and I hope you will look at those first.

Just be safe and best of luck.

 

[FailureGirl]

Yea kind of, its abit like autopilot now. I have to wear the mask and can't let it crack... I wonder if it is lately tho, people seem concerned about me, keep asking if I'm ok. I'm fine I tell them then smile and give them alittle story like always... I'm always good, I'm always alright, I'm always fine..

 

[clown]

yes. not a single person know im depressed and suicidal. if i ctb my death will be a total surprise for my family and they will be devastated.

 

[Wrennie]

Always. And I've been known to be the 'joker' and the one to lighten up situations much of the time. It's exhausting though

Before I got sick to the point of being in the situation I am in now, I was always considered the 'joker' of the group too. Constantly cracking particularly 'morbid' jokes was literally the only way that I could cope with my continued existence & childhood trauma. People actually thought that I was happy… but maybe the types of people that feel compelled to insert dark humor into almost every social situation are actually deeply hurting inside & it's like a cry for help.

 

[Parnate]

I try to pretend , but I can't really control what I say, sooner or later I blurt something that gives away my negativity and insecurity

 

[ikadasui]

Try to. Let the gag slip up yday and now I got ghosted by one of the few people I genuinely do give a shit about.

 

[worn_out]

The feeling part of me doesn't show in how I talk most of the time, so I just produce the expected actions. It keeps me in a job, but sometimes I wish I could just let it out publicly.