Do you feel like theres a timer?

[cottonbones346]

Im having a hard time living with my mother, shes nice now but when i was younger she emotionally abused me, i hate saying that because love her so much but i dont like her there was almost a decade of time where she didnt love me. Shes nice now, which makes it hard, i see a mother that was once nice to me, turned on me, and now wants to love me again. She was negligent but also i could have tried harder. Anyways i know im getting angrier i know im growing to be a bad person and i just want to go to sleep. I dont want people to remember me angry. ive finally got access to the things i need to CTB its a bit expensive but its finally feasible. feel like im running against a clock of my own goodwill, the sooner I CTB the better people will remember me.

 

[FuneralCry]

No matter what this existence will end, so yes I just see existing as a futile process of waiting around to die, the only comfort for me lies in the thought of this existence permanently disappearing into nothingness. I envy those who have the option to die peacefully and reliably on their own terms, must be a relief to have what you need, in my case death sadly doesn't feel like it's coming anytime soon.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah. I feel like I'm in overtime. I wasn't meant to live this long. I don't think that I was meant to live past 18. I really think that I died then and shifted to this reality. Nothing feels real

 

[Eudaimonic]

Not exactly, but I do want to do it asap.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yes . Timer is ticking

 

[cottonbones346]

No matter what this existence will end, so yes I just see existing as a futile process of waiting around to die, the only comfort for me lies in the thought of this existence permanently disappearing into nothingness. I envy those who have the option to die peacefully and reliably on their own terms, must be a relief to have what you need, in my case death sadly doesn't feel like it's coming anytime soon.

yes, exactly, it feels like just waiting around. I hope you get the option you want soon, im sorry.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

How horrible you have had to suffer this, seeing yourself become angry due to mistreatment. I can relate. Hope you find peace soon.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yeah. I feel like I'm in overtime. I wasn't meant to live this long. I don't think that I was meant to live past 18. I really think that I died then and shifted to this reality. Nothing feels real

I feel the exact same way. I had an amazing life as a child and though depressed in my teenage years I really lived life and had many friends, hobbies and passions also for my style/look I was fun to hang out with and laughed a lot after 18 the person I was was basically gone and my social life ended at 17 but still had some dreams I chased at 17 so had I died at 18 years old I would´ve lived what I percieve as a full life. The only thing I have experienced in the 12 years since then is pain and suffering and losing my emotions to the point where I only experience apathy and anhedonia.

So yeah I´m in overtime too the clock ran out and I am stuck in some weird twilight zone the person I was died many years ago I was so happy, fun to be around and full of life I don´t know what I am now, the only thing that comes to mind is that I am just a shell of the person I once was.

 

[xinino]

Yes, if you think anxiously about it, does it matter if we die an hour before or after a day, a week, a year? Modern life is determinedly routine, how can we make the distinction between days anymore? And does it matter if we do? then cut the time behind you, it is just delusion that fades away and reappears every day when you go to sleep and wake up afterwards. Well, how? We can commit suicide or just don't think about it.

 

[cottonbones346]

How horrible you have had to suffer this, seeing yourself become angry due to mistreatment. I can relate. Hope you find peace soon.

that is exactly it. I hate watching myself grow into something that has hurt me

 

[Iris Blue]

I am sorry it is like that with your mother. I also had a tough childhood with my mom too so I can kind of understand. She was also very emotionally abusive and was, I suppose you could say a good part of the reasons I'd try to ctb. It took a few years before I could finally live with my dad but she would constantly guilt me into thinking I was making the wrong choice. I don't live with her anymore but she tries to reach out still wanting to see me. I love her and I feel so much guilt but I guess everything that happened in the past I just can't let go or see her any different.

I feel like I'm in a timer too constantly. I feel like for a long time I always had a certain age in my mind where I would no longer be here and that age is basically weeks away. Besides the age, I also don't think I can take any of this any longer either so it can feel suffocating. Finding a good way to ctb isn't easy either with the less awful ways to go being unavailable. Definitely doesn't help the situation.

Lastly, the way you described your situation with your mom definitely seems complicated, but how you said it doesn't seem like you are a bad person at all. You are trying to understand and make the best of what you have with her (I do apologize if I got that wrong). You have every right to be angry and even though it isn't fun to be, maybe that's the best way to deal with it all right now. As long as it isn't towards anyone else. I'm wishing you the very best and I hope things can get better for you soon. And you find whatever it is you are looking for.