LilGhost
Shark
- Apr 8, 2026
- 12
I feel like I rot from the inside out. Like I died in one of my attempts, my brain just didnt realize it yet.
I get more migraines then usual, my vision goes blurry, my mind cant focus, my body dont listen, i am to tired...
It wasnt that bad, but it started in March. I hated my life before that, but I actually found strength in me to go through bunch of doctors, to get another disability diagnosis (i have 4 overall....), but i was okay with that thinking my insurance is covering the cost of mobility aids and glad I finally found whats wrong with me.
Then I lost my best friend
Found out that unlike my intial thoughts, my disability is not covered by insurance fully so i cant even pay for mobility aids, found out that ill never get better, ill never be a human, plus some pressure from my family that wants me to visit (i'd rather die then see them again)
And like... idk. It all makes me feel like i dont belong here. No matter how much I fake being a human, ill never be one. I started hating my life when i was only 12. wtf is wrong with me?
I get more migraines then usual, my vision goes blurry, my mind cant focus, my body dont listen, i am to tired...
It wasnt that bad, but it started in March. I hated my life before that, but I actually found strength in me to go through bunch of doctors, to get another disability diagnosis (i have 4 overall....), but i was okay with that thinking my insurance is covering the cost of mobility aids and glad I finally found whats wrong with me.
Then I lost my best friend
Basically my friend who was just like my family apparently never considered me one and was planning (i think shell do it on Tuesday) to cut me off after an argument that SHE was the cause of and it all could have finished by her just treating me like a human....
Not like I need her anymore.... But loosing her would mean to loose my friend group(that she cried in front of so that makes me a villain), loosing stability, mb getting jumped by her boyfriend (he was threatening me before), getting problems with her brother (his on my side too, cause he called her out in that argument, its more that he dont like leaving their house which would make staying over harder, cause she already was pissed off when I stayed over during the argument (we both were lowkey close to not planned ctb)) and partially yeah... going through pain of loss again. As much of the pain she caused me, she was one of two only people i opened myself to. Also its pissing me off that she sees herself as a victim cause I didnt "confront her correctly" (i was asking her to stop acting like shit towards me "normally" for half a year and i didnt even yell or call her names. I was just saying everything as a matter of fact and when i realized we are going circles, was just resending my previous messages cause she kept saying same shit or ignoring my shit). It is very hard to explain the whole story.... I hope I did. She also was acting like we are best friends once the conflict was "solved" and i found that out through her brother. She "didnt want stress anyone out during finals"
That wasnt a reason why the argument started, but at some point she joked that she would sh oot me if saw in the woods cause of my hypermobility (cause i can do weird shit normal bodies cant) knowing damn well I struggle from people not seeing me as a human as it would happen often cause im autistic)
And like... idk. It all makes me feel like i dont belong here. No matter how much I fake being a human, ill never be one. I started hating my life when i was only 12. wtf is wrong with me?
