Do you ever hesitate about going to ctb because you don't want to traumatize anyone?

[sad_dude]

... 'cause you don't want to let some certain people (or especially kids) struggle/get traumatized (when they see/hear about what will happen to you) the same way you did?

... but then there's this desperation/rare strong urge to ctb so you also feel like you don't care at the same time?

*Sorry if this is too specific or weird*
(New to posting and stuff, I really hope I do not sound offensive. Otherwise, please tell me.)

 

[stilhavinightmares]

1000000000% yes. It's why I'm still here.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

... 'cause you don't want to let some certain people (or especially kids) struggle/get traumatized (when they see/hear about what will happen to you) the same way you did?

... but then there's this desperation/rare strong urge to ctb so you also feel like you don't care at the same time?

*Sorry if this is too specific or weird*
(New to posting and stuff, I really hope I do not sound offensive. Otherwise, please tell me.)

oh yup definitely. i care a lot about my family and have a small sibling, which is kinda the reason i haven't seriously attempted ctb yet ://

 

[mObinDEc]

Definitely. I would assume it would be extremely traumatizing for loved ones if I were to commit suicide... makes me more apprehensive because I don't want my mother to commit suicide once I do so. Unlike me, she has people that love her, admire her, and depend on her, unlike me. She has a reason to live and I don't...

 

[MidnightCat]

1000000000% yes. It's why I'm still here.

Basically this.

I don't want them to suffer. If someone has to... better be me.

At least till I can't do it anymore.

 

[thx1138]

Yes. The person who finds your body will be very shocked and traumatized. This has stopped me from ctb in the past.

 

[EndlessDespair]

... 'cause you don't want to let some certain people (or especially kids) struggle/get traumatized (when they see/hear about what will happen to you) the same way you did?

... but then there's this desperation/rare strong urge to ctb so you also feel like you don't care at the same time?

*Sorry if this is too specific or weird*
(New to posting and stuff, I really hope I do not sound offensive. Otherwise, please tell me.)

Yes that's what kept me here for so long I have so many nieces and younger siblings that it may effect. Eventually the pain got so bad that I finally decided that I deserve to finally rest and be at peace. I started to distant myself from my family so that it won't effect them too much when I go.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Basically this.

I don't want them to suffer. If someone has to... better be me.

At least till I can't do it anymore.

I feel like I've been in the "can't do it anymore" so many times, including now, or perhaps it's "don't want to do it anymore" and I feel so trapped. It hurts so bad.

 

[Darkover]

no i couldn't give a shit not after everything i've been through

 

[outrider567]

No, I don't care about traumatizing anyone, I just want my mental suffering to end--I don't care how my death affects anyone, besides there are hardly any family members left anyway

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Yes, inconveniencing or harming other people has kept me from CTB. I'm both afraid of hurting people and also afraid that no one will care when I'm gone. I'm still trying to find the perfect day. My original day to CTB just passed so I'm not sure when I will CTB. I just know eventually that's how I'm going to go.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, definitely. I don't think I could do it to my Dad. I'm hanging on for him. I still worry about people after that though. Even people I don't or hardly know- it will likely be the police who have to deal with my body. I live alone. I don't like the thought of anyone having to deal with it though. It's just so unfortunate we can't go to a clinic- where everyone knows and is prepared for what will happen.

 

[Hurt]

All the time. I want to leave but I don't want to traumatize anyone. It makes me feel trapped.

 

[FuneralCry]

No and why would I. After all, the reality is that everybody has to die somewhere, someday and this is inescapable. Death, grief and loss are just an inevitable part of life, to die is something that is completely normal, and if people don't want to be traumatised by someone deciding to exit then they shouldn't bring life here in the first place. Nobody should feel bad about leaving this hellish world if that is what they really want as existence could never be an obligation. Suicide is a human right and a personal decision which has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

[Anonymus]

I am afraid for my mother. The other day she told me again that she would prefer that I die sooner, that it would be a weight off her shoulders so she wouldn't have to think about what would become of me once she's gone (she'll be 79 in March). She says it a few times, but it makes me think about rethinking CTB because I'm afraid she'll think it's her fault (guilt is something so imbued by religion, I don't like it at all), it would be quite tragic if it happened and she thought that. I remember that every sudden and severe blow she has received during his life has taken a heavy toll on him and has meant a deterioration of his mind from which he has never recovered.
I remember when she separated from my father (1987) and how she was affected for many years. When my grandmother died (May 1999) her judgment began to be affected a little, in September 2010 due to some work in the kitchen she began to forget things and had a bad temper. In February 2018 because of some leaks in the upstairs bathroom it affected him so strongly that I already told him she had to go to the neurologist (he forgets many things or does not remember things well). Each upset has meant a strong deterioration for him from which he never recovers and only accumulates that deterioration for years.

I don't want my "liberation" to cause him too much wear and tear that would make it unfeasible for him to continue living as he has been doing.
And besides, I have a motto from years ago, "don't do anything that you can't take the consequences of".
The only solution is to talk it over with her beforehand or to make it clear in some way that it is a decision in which she has nothing to do, but I can't help thinking that she will feel responsible and I am very sorry for that.

//

Tinc por per la meva mare. L'altre día em va tornar a dir que preferiría que jo morís abans que ella, que es treuría un pes de sobre per no haver de pensar que sería de mi un cop ella no hi sigui (farà 79 anys el Març). Ho diu poques vegades, però em fa pensar en replantejar-me el CTB perquè tinc por que pensi que és culpa seva (el sentiment de culpa és una cosa tan imbuïda per la religió, no m'agrada gens), sería força tràgic que passés i pensés això. M'en recordo que cada cop sobtat i fort que ha rebut durant la seva vida li ha afectat molt i ha suposat un deteriorament de la seva ment del qual mai s'ha recuperat.
Recordo quan es va separar del meu pare (1987) i com va estar força anys afectada. Quan va morir la meva àvia (maig del 1999) va començar a afectar-li el "seny" una mica, el setembre del 2010 per unes obres de la cuïna va començar a oblidar-se de les coses i a tenir més mal geni. El febrer del 2018 per unes goteres del bany de dalt li va afectar tant fort que jo ja li vaig dir que havía d'anar al neuròleg. Cada disgust ha suposat un fort deteriorament del qual no es refà mai i només fa que acumular durant els anys.

No vull que el meu "alliberament" li suposi un desgast massa fort que li faci inviable seguir vivint com fins ara.
I a més tinc un lema de fa anys, "no facis res del qual no puguis assumir les conseqüències que s'en derivin".
L'única sol·lució és parlar-ho amb ella abans o deixar ben clar d'alguna manera que és una decisió en la qual no hi té res a veure, però no puc evitar pensar que és sentirà responsable i em sap greu.

Editat: He editat per corretgir faltes d'ortografía

 

[MidnightCat]

I feel like I've been in the "can't do it anymore" so many times, including now, or perhaps it's "don't want to do it anymore" and I feel so trapped. It hurts so bad.

It does hurt. It's normal you feel trapped.

If we keep going it means "we don't want to do it anymore", otherwise we'll not be alive.

The good? That always leave a window open to the possibilities.
The bad? Oh man, "that always leave a window open to the possibilities."

So it's a blessing and a curse at the same time.

 

[yufei]

是的，它一直都是这样，它永远会被它的父母落后，伤害和伤害

 

[Flameboyant]

I'm only alive because I love my mom and don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. When her time comes, I will leave as well.

 

[elephantshoe]

I never really considered ctb when I was "only" mentally ill because I respect my family a lot and could not bear exposing them to such a traumatic experience. Now that I am severly physically ill on the verge of being bedridden I can not risk getting to sick to end it and being trapped in my body for a few decades. Nothing can stop me anymore. I hope my letters will ease their pain a little

 

[WhiteRabbit]

That's mostly why I'm still here.

 

[Sparr0w]

if i do ever CTB i want to try and time it so that police will find my body (scheduled post on social media? not sure) so that i wont end up traumatising anyone.
thats also why what my dead bodyll look like is semi-important to me, i dont think police/medical officals whove seen a billion corpses will care, but if a bystander saw anything id be really fuckin pissed if my corpse ruined their life lmaoooo

 

[_Kaira_]

I used to worry. Might be seen as selfish, but I realized that it doesn't matter when or how I personally die. There is absolutely no comfy future for me where I pass peacefully from old age, surrounded by family. Medical as well as social reasons. So atleast for me, it's more of the when, not how.

I also don't really have a family anymore. So there's that.

 

[redeyepiranha]

Yes, I think about it a lot, but I've become more "selfish" and not really care about consequences of my suicide, I just want to stop suffering

 

[Zaragoza]

This is the only reason I'm still here today. My biggest wish is to stop caring but i think it would ever happen. So i most likely will suffer for years until they're gone

 

[ncmxm]

Yes this is mostly why I'm here

 

[DukeDestroyer]

NO ONE in this world is holding me back from ctb. I still have both parents, their still together. I also have two older siblings that I don't care for at all. My niece and nephew are still very young. Yet if I ctb, I really don't care who finds my dead body and I don't care what kind of damage that will cause them. I even thought about ctb in public even. I really do hate people. I'm all kinds of messed up.

 

[aSilentVoice]

Yes, that is one of my main concerns. I had a nightmare once that my younger brother committed suicide. I couldn't stop crying in the dream and woke up in tears too. It was horrible. I worry how CTB would effect my mom, sister, and younger brother. But it's so hard to carry on.

 

[fhbpd]

Definitely my biggest concern. I haven't even tried to ctb because I'm too scared of failing which also traumatizes people, plus it has the downside of me actually witnessing the effects on my loved ones. I worry so much about what my suicide will do to my family and friends, but just want the suffering to end. I feel so trapped in this life.

 

[ctbgurl]

... 'cause you don't want to let some certain people (or especially kids) struggle/get traumatized (when they see/hear about what will happen to you) the same way you did?

... but then there's this desperation/rare strong urge to ctb so you also feel like you don't care at the same time?

*Sorry if this is too specific or weird*
(New to posting and stuff, I really hope I do not sound offensive. Otherwise, please tell me.)

in the end everyone will die and nothing will truly matter. nothing as in feelings, hopes, dreams, loved ones, etc. everything will be gone. that's what i remind myself when i think too much about it.

 

[pyroxenic]

Through too many guilt-tripping and threatening me of the damage i will cause to those surrounding me if i end my life, i am forced to be here now and i dont want to cause pain either. Its so complicated