It seems like such a lame reason to give compared to more severe troubles in life but, what I think that mostly fuels my ideation these days, is disillusionment with life.
I have been suicidal for more severe reasons. I first became suicidal age 10 as a response to bullying and bereavement. That 'pain' was far more intense. I've also been far more intensely unhappy than I am now. In my 20's, I was stuck in a horrid wage slave retail job. I would have been willing to go with depression as a cause back then.
Now though, it's more this sense of exhaustion I suppose. Just this weariness of fighting to turn things around for decades on end and realising it wasn't worth it!
Past bad experiences have caused this sense of mistrust and disillusionment with just about everything. Friendship and families are unreliable, careers are unstable and exploitative, most things require effort and money and a lot of the time, don't seem worth the expendature, just simply have a biological body with so many needs is a pain in the arse!
I suppose also, there's the very real prospect of returning to a life (job) that I know I hated so much. Or, even retirement and old age with next to no money. So, part of it is also fear of my potential future.
It's kind of pathetic to whine about but it's just this feeling that I've had enough. That taking a break wouldn't be enough. That even a perpetual holiday would mostly result in me feeling bored. Besides, that isn't practical. You need to pay for that shit. I just went to rest I suppose. Forever sleep.
Does anyone else feel the same? What do you tell yourself to get yourself through another day?
I have been suicidal for more severe reasons. I first became suicidal age 10 as a response to bullying and bereavement. That 'pain' was far more intense. I've also been far more intensely unhappy than I am now. In my 20's, I was stuck in a horrid wage slave retail job. I would have been willing to go with depression as a cause back then.
Now though, it's more this sense of exhaustion I suppose. Just this weariness of fighting to turn things around for decades on end and realising it wasn't worth it!
Past bad experiences have caused this sense of mistrust and disillusionment with just about everything. Friendship and families are unreliable, careers are unstable and exploitative, most things require effort and money and a lot of the time, don't seem worth the expendature, just simply have a biological body with so many needs is a pain in the arse!
I suppose also, there's the very real prospect of returning to a life (job) that I know I hated so much. Or, even retirement and old age with next to no money. So, part of it is also fear of my potential future.
It's kind of pathetic to whine about but it's just this feeling that I've had enough. That taking a break wouldn't be enough. That even a perpetual holiday would mostly result in me feeling bored. Besides, that isn't practical. You need to pay for that shit. I just went to rest I suppose. Forever sleep.
Does anyone else feel the same? What do you tell yourself to get yourself through another day?
