I cannot deal with this loneliness anymore

[endeledestein]

First post...

Im a guy from Spain. I had depression all my life, but what most pain caused me by far is the loneliness of not having somebody to talk every day and trust... I have always been alone and rejected... All my life... Completely alone...

I also have autism/asperger, and Im needy and weak and nobody ever wants or accepts me...

Its so painful. I have tried so much, i talked with so many people... I got my heart broken so many times... I just cant deal with this anymore...

Im crying so much while writing this shit... I have been crying a lot in the last days...

I just cannot deal with this pain. Its so painful. Its pain, its more pain, its always pain. Its always emptiness, its always loneliness, its always more pain and more pain, and more pain.

There is nothing else but pain and more pain and rejection and more pain.

I cannot deal with this anymore...

There is no point in living like this... I give up...

 

[kinoki]

First post...

Im a guy from Spain. I had depression all my life, but what most pain caused me by far is the loneliness of not having somebody to talk every day and trust... I have always been alone and rejected... All my life... Completely alone...

I also have autism/asperger, and Im needy and weak and nobody ever wants or accepts me...

Its so painful. I have tried so much, i talked with so many people... I got my heart broken so many times... I just cant deal with this anymore...

Im crying so much while writing this shit... I have been crying a lot in the last days...

I just cannot deal with this pain. Its so painful. Its pain, its more pain, its always pain. Its always emptiness, its always loneliness, its always more pain and more pain, and more pain.

There is nothing else but pain and more pain and rejection and more pain.

I cannot deal with this anymore...

There is no point in living like this... I give up...

I'm so sorry. I am here if you wanna be friends, I don't understand fully, but I do somewhat. I'm here. No one deserves to be lonely, and you're struggling I'm here

 

[endeledestein]

I cant stop suffering...

I read people that love other people that are pieces of shit, and still love them and are witht hem...

And I must be worse than all of those... I must be the most disgusting shit in existence...

It hurts so much, this emptiness... This loneliness...

Nobody wants me...

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I cant stop suffering...

I read people that love other people that are pieces of shit, and still love them and are witht hem...

And I must be worse than all of those... I must be the most disgusting shit in existence...

It hurts so much, this emptiness... This loneliness...

Nobody wants me...

Eh I have a tendency to fall hard. If my ex came back, I would probably take her and she's objectively not a great person. It's not a reflection of you but more so the closeness someone has with their ex and the comfort.

Be a little gentler with yourself if you can. You're not worse than anyone, and comparison is the thief of joy. Small steps like moving your body, doing something you enjoy, or talking it out can help ease that weight over time. I'm here for you if you want to talk more.

 

[endeledestein]

The loneliness I have doesnt go away by just talking...

I need someone to feel like I matter, talk every day... And cuddle and share affection...

Nobody ever wanted to be close with me...

 

[The Disqualified]

First post...

Im a guy from Spain. I had depression all my life, but what most pain caused me by far is the loneliness of not having somebody to talk every day and trust... I have always been alone and rejected... All my life... Completely alone...

I also have autism/asperger, and Im needy and weak and nobody ever wants or accepts me...

Its so painful. I have tried so much, i talked with so many people... I got my heart broken so many times... I just cant deal with this anymore...

Im crying so much while writing this shit... I have been crying a lot in the last days...

I just cannot deal with this pain. Its so painful. Its pain, its more pain, its always pain. Its always emptiness, its always loneliness, its always more pain and more pain, and more pain.

There is nothing else but pain and more pain and rejection and more pain.

I cannot deal with this anymore...

There is no point in living like this... I give up...

Me too. I have been lonely my whole life. Have no one.
The loneliness crushs me. It destroys me. I don't have anyone I can trust or go out regularly. Everyone just leaves me. All I want is to kill myself and, at last, find peace.
Always been like this as well, since childhood. Lonely, rejected. So much suffering. I wish you improve. Sending best wishes

 

[endeledestein]

Me too. I have been lonely my whole life. Have no one.
The loneliness crushs me. It destroys me. I don't have anyone I can trust or go out regularly. Everyone just leaves me. All I want is to kill myself and, at last, find peace.
Always been like this as well, since childhood. Lonely, rejected. So much suffering. I wish you improve. Sending best wishes

This... Is what i feel...

I dont think I can improve... THe only way would be finding someone that accepts me... And its been too many years and too many ppl to know that someone like that is unlikely to exist... I mean, statistically there is someone, but finding her would be akin to a miracle... And Like the post says... I cant do this anymore... Every day is just too painful, its agonizing... And all that pain over the years has traumatized so much... and truly nobody wants me....

There is no improving...

I hope I can do it soon... Im such a coward...

 

[endeledestein]

I bought cyanide in 2015 but I think it went bad... I just contacted someone for 500 gr... Its a wholesale site. Last year I asked and he made me an offer and had no problem, but I didnt buy it... Now I asked again, lets see if he doesnt see anything suspicious...

Im in so much pain...

I just wanted someone to care about me... I would have done the same and care about that someone and everything...

I just wanted what most people have...

But not me... Im just unwanted trash...

 

[Macedonian1987]

First post...

Im a guy from Spain. I had depression all my life, but what most pain caused me by far is the loneliness of not having somebody to talk every day and trust... I have always been alone and rejected... All my life... Completely alone...

I also have autism/asperger, and Im needy and weak and nobody ever wants or accepts me...

Its so painful. I have tried so much, i talked with so many people... I got my heart broken so many times... I just cant deal with this anymore...

Im crying so much while writing this shit... I have been crying a lot in the last days...

I just cannot deal with this pain. Its so painful. Its pain, its more pain, its always pain. Its always emptiness, its always loneliness, its always more pain and more pain, and more pain.

There is nothing else but pain and more pain and rejection and more pain.

I cannot deal with this anymore...

There is no point in living like this... I give up...

I hear the profound weight of your loneliness, and I want you to know that your heart and your voice are deeply valued in this moment. It is so incredibly painful to feel rejected for who you are, but you aren't "weak" for needing connection, you are a human being who deserves to be accepted and seen. Please know that even in this deep emptiness, there is space for your story to be heard and for the relentless cycle of pain to find a moment of stillness and comfort.

 

[NihilDoll]

As a fellow Aspy, yeah, i feel that.
The "wrong planet syndrome" can be overwhelming sometimes. Like you're standing in a room full of people and you just don't understand a single word.
Finding acceptance with Aspergers is an absolute pain. Very few people are willing to understand it or deal with it.
I have the "luck" of also being extremely introverted, so loneliness isn't crushing me like it does you.
But i very much understand your pain.

The small silver lining is: I think this is a great community who genuinely understands you.
I know this can't fix the hole in your heart, but it is something in a world of nothing.

 

[endeledestein]

As a fellow Aspy, yeah, i feel that.
The "wrong planet syndrome" can be overwhelming sometimes. Like you're standing in a room full of people and you just don't understand a single word.
Finding acceptance with Aspergers is an absolute pain. Very few people are willing to understand it or deal with it.
I have the "luck" of also being extremely introverted, so loneliness isn't crushing me like it does you.
But i very much understand your pain.

The small silver lining is: I think this is a great community who genuinely understands you.
I know this can't fix the hole in your heart, but it is something in a world of nothing.

There is no community. Other aspergers dont give a shit either, and what I need is acceptance and love and cuddles and everything... I have been posting in reddit for months, trying to find somebody. I posted in every forum, I have read thousands of posts trying to find somebody who might accept and want me...

And other ppl being lonely doenst make it better for me in any way...

I cannot do this shit anymore...

 

[endeledestein]

Im in so much pain... I have been thinking about suicide all my life... I have been in lots of pain before, always... But I always thought of suicide as something for the future...

But I cant take this anymore... Its clear that nobody wants me. Its pointless to keep living...

I cannot do this anymore...

I thought that when I decided to kill myself I would finally be at peace... But the pain doesnt stop... The loneliness doesnt stop, it keeps crushing my soul....

Was so much to ask for someone to accept me and wanted to share my little life and cuddle a lot...? Was it really that much...?

I must be the worst disgusting monster in earth if it was asking that much...

 

[endeledestein]

I spoke with my grandmother today for the last time... She is in an old people's home for the past 1 year, since my grandfather died... He was lucky and was able and just died one day... But my grandma has been in a cognitive declive for years, losing ability to walk or even think...
I used to call her once a month or even less cause even though I love her I didnt know what to say to her, and its not like we could talk about anything either... But today... It was too much... She could barely talk, barely heard me, couldnt understand what I was saying to her.. And it really pains me to see her like this...

Im lucky and she is taken care for and my aunt takes care of her and everything too... So I have the "privilege" of being able to chose to not talk to her ever again...

I feel like a disgusting person for chosing this, but I couldnt stop crying in the call even tho I masked it... And I cant stop crying now...

For many years I always thought that I couldnt kill myself cause of my grandparents, but that problem has disappeared...

And well, the loneliness is killing me too... Im "better" than yesterday, but... The thoughts that Im screwed dont go away... That I ran out of time, of chances and everything, that its pointless to keep living anymore... I got a bit push in the last days and brought me much closer to end it...

 

[endeledestein]

This loneliness has made me do some pathetic stuff Im not proud of at all... I feel like a pathetic being

Someone from USA (very far) in reddit messaged me to talk and voice call... I usually dont want to talk with far away people cause its very painful if we like each other, but I was so lonely... Turns out it was 30 year old girl with cerebral palsy. She was very nice, but I could tell she wasnt a developed person... She lived in an assisted home, her parents died long ago and she was alone... It broke my heart... I couldnt not stop crying during all the call and had to end it and cried for some while after...

At least she wasnt very aware of her situation and she is happy... So she is shielded from all the grown up shit stuff... And much more happy that I have ever been... So thats a relief...

But seeing people in this state... It just breaks my heart and makes me cry a lot and hurts me a lot... If I hadnt enough with my own pain...
oh my fucking god, ic ant stop crying, i have been an hour at this shit... for everything... i almost never cry even when im huge pain but i cannot deal with this shit anymore... im such a pathetic being...

 

[endeledestein]

So... By a miracle a very nice girl messaged me in another site and we talked, and she was very nice and accepting... But as always with me... Nothing is meant to be... We really talked a lot, a call for 8 hours straight... Then texting, then more call... Introverted like me... She says Im nice and handsome... And has seen like 70% of my neediness and clinginess (which is really heavy) and still shes not scared by that...
She says she still wants to be my friend and cuddle and come see me (we are from different countries)

But ofc Im writing here, cause of fucking course there has to be a but...

She said that 2 about me are deal breakers for a relationship for her and we talked about it and there is no way around it... I cannot help what I feel, all I can do is control my acciones, which is what I offered, that I would do that... I dont really want to give details... But still, its a deal breaker for her...

She still said we can be friends and talk every day for many hours and would still come and cuddle and all that.. But really, even if its a situation "above" frienzone, maybe friends with benefits, its still a frienzone...

Idk... maybe to someone who reads this sounds stupid because technically im not "alone"... But if Im rejected in that sense, in some sense, then Im really alone...

I just have to keep with the plan of dying again... I felt so stupid for thinking I could be wanted and loved... And lets be real, if someone as nice and accepting as her cant want me, there isnt really a point anymore... But its not like I have the strength to keep searching and dealing with the massive pain of loneliness every day... There is nobody for me... Im just alone and unwanted...

 

[endeledestein]

I ordered everything... I just need to get the emetics from the goddamn doctor... Im not good at lying...

 

[endeledestein]

Fucks sake... Getting the SN was super easy, and Im having problem getting the antiemetics... I went to the general practician, told him some half true bullshit that he bought, but told me that they avoid giving antiemetics cause they have many secondary effects...

This was the dumbest step to fail...

i dont know what to do

 

[endeledestein]

I have a 2nd chance in monday with another doctor... Will try to lean harder on the bullshit... If not, ill have to use cyanide instead of SN...

I dont know what I did to deserve this... I havent hurt anybody... All I ever wanted was to just have one person to trust and talk every day and cuddle and trust..And I would do the same for her and more... But nobody wants me...

 

[Macedonian1987]

I have a 2nd chance in monday with another doctor... Will try to lean harder on the bullshit... If not, ill have to use cyanide instead of SN...

I dont know what I did to deserve this... I havent hurt anybody... All I ever wanted was to just have one person to trust and talk every day and cuddle and trust..And I would do the same for her and more... But nobody wants me...

No please don't use cyanide over SN. I have researched suicide methods for years and death by cyanide is much more violent and unpleasant compared to death from SN. Dying from cyanide feels like you are drowning on a dry land.

 

[endeledestein]

What other exit do I have? At least it will be less than 2 min, while SN also hurts and it will take hours...

Id use SN if I can, but if I cant get emetics, I have no other exit...

 

[Joarga]

¿Qué otra salida tengo? Al menos será menos de 2 minutos, mientras que SN también duele y tardará horas...

Usaría SN si pudiera, pero si no puedo conseguir eméticos, no tengo otra salida...

¿No tienes padres que te quieran? Yo, con 57 años, nunca he tenido pareja, pero el amor de mi madre me hacía sentir menos solo.
Desde su muerte, hace 8 años, sólo pienso en morir.
Te deseo lo mejor

 

[endeledestein]

Its very possible that the lack of love from my mother is what made me be so needy... I honestly dont know and dont care anymore.... I dont care about family

 

[LetMeOut67]

First post...

Im a guy from Spain. I had depression all my life, but what most pain caused me by far is the loneliness of not having somebody to talk every day and trust... I have always been alone and rejected... All my life... Completely alone...

I also have autism/asperger, and Im needy and weak and nobody ever wants or accepts me...

Its so painful. I have tried so much, i talked with so many people... I got my heart broken so many times... I just cant deal with this anymore...

Im crying so much while writing this shit... I have been crying a lot in the last days...

I just cannot deal with this pain. Its so painful. Its pain, its more pain, its always pain. Its always emptiness, its always loneliness, its always more pain and more pain, and more pain.

There is nothing else but pain and more pain and rejection and more pain.

I cannot deal with this anymore...

There is no point in living like this... I give up...

I'm in a very similar situation
We shouldn't be expected to live like this

 

[PanaxMan]

First post...

Im a guy from Spain. I had depression all my life, but what most pain caused me by far is the loneliness of not having somebody to talk every day and trust... I have always been alone and rejected... All my life... Completely alone...

I also have autism/asperger, and Im needy and weak and nobody ever wants or accepts me...

Its so painful. I have tried so much, i talked with so many people... I got my heart broken so many times... I just cant deal with this anymore...

Im crying so much while writing this shit... I have been crying a lot in the last days...

I just cannot deal with this pain. Its so painful. Its pain, its more pain, its always pain. Its always emptiness, its always loneliness, its always more pain and more pain, and more pain.

There is nothing else but pain and more pain and rejection and more pain.

I cannot deal with this anymore...

There is no point in living like this... I give up...

I feel the same and being homeless just shows the impact of real humans and the society collapsing in towards not helping people

 

[endeledestein]

I just, I am suffering so much... The pain of the loneliness is too great... I cannot take this anymore...

Im 36... Realistically, I cannot wait 5 more years, not even 1 more year to find someone... Im too broken... To traumatized by loneliness... The agony of every day is too painful...

What can I even do anymore. Im in last shred of my time, and you cannot find someone like this... Not that I would even know where to look for...

I cannot keep going... The pain is too much...

 

[SAVROMx]

I cant stop suffering...

I read people that love other people that are pieces of shit, and still love them and are witht hem...

And I must be worse than all of those... I must be the most disgusting shit in existence...

It hurts so much, this emptiness... This loneliness...

Nobody wants me...

Hey man. I'm from Romania, i understand you perfectly. I'm here if you wanna talk about it! Please be safe, i care about you!

 

[endeledestein]

I finally got antiemetics... Everything is ready... From this time on, every second I dont do it Im a coward....

 

[endeledestein]

So this nice girl finally rejected me... I mean, it was expected... Im destroyed...