Venting So upset that a health issue is making me feel like I have no other choice

[inpainnosleep]

I actually want to live. Despite having BPD, CPTSD, severe anxiety and depression, OCD, ASD, chronic migraines and so much truama, I really wanted to live. I overcame so many nervous breakdowns and obstacles and was finally living in a place of my own and had a platonic partner. Unfortunately I messed around with substances a lot in the last ten years. (I am 41F) I think that caused issues with nerve hyperexcitability. But worst of all, I have myocolonus, which does not let me sleep, like at all. For me there is nothing more important than sleep. For most people myocolonus is benign and rarely happens if at all. But for me, Every time I start to drift into sleep, one of my limbs moves violently or I get a muscle spasm and electric shock. I get next to no sleep and this makes me feel like death is the only option. It also makes my other conditions so much worse. But if I didn't have this issue, I would have wanted to live, even though my health has greatly declined in other ways in the past 7 months. What also makes me sad is that a large dose of Clonazepam (which also works as an anti-seizure med) would make this condition manageable, but no doctor this day and age is going to prescribe a large amount of Clonazepam. I already take 2mg for anxiety, and nobody is going to prescribe more. I am also extremely medication sensitive at this point, so no way would I be able to tolerate an epelepsy medication which most normal people have a hard time tolerating. Also, doctors don't see my condition as serious because I'm not going to die from it, lol. I spent the last 4 months in bed with severe brain fog and had to move back in with my parents who are now elderly but still abusive. I've left my house a total of three times in the last 4 months, just to go to useless doctors appointments which just made me feel so much more despondent. But I feel like my body is not compatible with life any longer. I know that people live on next to no sleep, but I just can't do it. All I think about is dying, but I fought so hard to survive and was afraid of death before this. Now I spent most of my time doing research on how to cbt.I wish I could have written this more eloquently, but my brain is so tired and tormented right now. I just want the ability to sleep (which I love) and I do not have that ability. I also keep thinking about the mistakes that led me to this point.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Hi there, I am writing this @2am because I have suffered with myclonus for over 2 years now and can't sleep. I also suffer from severe depression and severe health anxiety. I've taken so many psych meds over the last 20 years, im sure have messed my brain up, especially the anti psychotic add ons that can cause uncontrollable muscle movements. I am allowed 2mgs of xanax at night to sleep but have built up a tolerance. I started at 1mg. So they aren't going to give me anymore. So we are in the same boat except I don't want to live anymore as my mental illness is extreme. I lost my job recently and had to go on disability. I'm mostly housebound and I have lost all my will to go on. Also I am 56 years old and feel that's long enough. What do I have to look forward to at my age? I already have some genetic health concerns that could really fuck me up, which really scares me. (Thanks Dad.) Have you seen a neurologist? They might prescribe you the benzo or some other drug that helps,if there is one. I hope you can find something because you shouldn't have to take your life over sleep. But insomnia in general is a common reason for suicide. Tell the Dr how you feel. Sleep is vital to the brain and overall well-being. Wishing you all the best