collidedsigns
Scholar of despair and anguish
- Nov 22, 2025
- 44
Ever since I learned what suicide was I realised depression was terminal. Ever since I was 12 I've slowly watched it take things from me. It began with taking away my love of dance and acting. Then it was taking away my ability to enjoy time with friends. Even now it takes away my ability to do work for university.
It's horrible. I'm slowly watching aspects of my life become ruined by a numbness I can't escape, and every-time I try it still finds a way to destroy everything around me. I'm currently inpatient at a psych unit and I've had leave today to see my beloved cat but even being with her I feel nothing at all. I've lost all my cares for everything. Nothing matters anymore. I hate everything and nothing I do makes me want to care for anything. I truly feel like this illness is at the point where I'm beginning to die bit by bit. My emotions are dead, my relationships (from my end) are dead, the only thing that isn't dead is my body.
I need to stop my heart beating myself. I feel like I'm at the physical equivalent of when your organ start shutting down. But theirs no cure, no fix NOTHING will heal me, nothing can reverse the damage depression has caused me. And all it has left to take is my life.
I know it will. Even impatient I've been practicing for my final fall from grace, I have researched, ordered and prepared to make sure at least one method works. I'm not sure when it will happen but it will, because I've already come to terms with it. I'm already fine with the fact I will die at my own hand. I wish I could do it right now. It's all I have left to do with my time on this planet.
I hope this is over soon, I'm so tired. I just want to surrender to this never ending torture
It's horrible. I'm slowly watching aspects of my life become ruined by a numbness I can't escape, and every-time I try it still finds a way to destroy everything around me. I'm currently inpatient at a psych unit and I've had leave today to see my beloved cat but even being with her I feel nothing at all. I've lost all my cares for everything. Nothing matters anymore. I hate everything and nothing I do makes me want to care for anything. I truly feel like this illness is at the point where I'm beginning to die bit by bit. My emotions are dead, my relationships (from my end) are dead, the only thing that isn't dead is my body.
I need to stop my heart beating myself. I feel like I'm at the physical equivalent of when your organ start shutting down. But theirs no cure, no fix NOTHING will heal me, nothing can reverse the damage depression has caused me. And all it has left to take is my life.
I know it will. Even impatient I've been practicing for my final fall from grace, I have researched, ordered and prepared to make sure at least one method works. I'm not sure when it will happen but it will, because I've already come to terms with it. I'm already fine with the fact I will die at my own hand. I wish I could do it right now. It's all I have left to do with my time on this planet.
I hope this is over soon, I'm so tired. I just want to surrender to this never ending torture
