depressing to think how I'll be remembered

[onlyforever1]

It's so sad to think that everyone, even people I talk to every single day, won't really remember me when I'm gone. I'll be a smear on the pavement and some time in a few years they'll be at a party and someone will make a crack about how their ex had borderline and all of a sudden they'll think of me and make a joke like oh yeah I used to know this girl with BPD she was totally insane. because of course they'll call me a girl. that's how I'll be remembered, after all. the crazy good for nothing girl who cried wolf so many times that no one was there to believe her when she finally did it. not trans. not kind. not funny. not anything except for a funny story a few years from now.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

I hope i can remember you well, tell me about yourself you like and i will try to keep it dear

 

[onlyforever1]

I hope i can remember you well, tell me about yourself you like and i will try to keep it dear

I have BPD that's all anyone needs to know about me. It explains everything. I'm not judging anyone for this, if I had had to be exposed to me for long periods of time I would also be relieved to forget. I'm terrible, I'm a terrible friend, a terrible daughter, I deserve to die.

 

[Linda]

I have BPD that's all anyone needs to know about me. It explains everything. I'm not judging anyone for this, if I had had to be exposed to me for long periods of time I would also be relieved to forget. I'm terrible, I'm a terrible friend, a terrible daughter, I deserve to die.

You don't "deserve to die". You didn't choose to have BPD.
You say that you are trans. That makes you priviliged. You can see the world from two very different perspectives. Most people only get to see it from one. That is (basically) the reason that many Native American societies thought that trans people had been specially favored by the gods. (That, in turn, led to the conclusion that trans people would be good at interceding with the gods, which is why so many shamans were trans.) If some people can't see that you are priviliged, that's their problem. You don't need to make it yours.
As for how people would remember you, stop worying about it. If you are dead, you won't care. And probably you won't be remembed by anyone, in any way, a hundred years from now. Few people are.

 

[onlyforever1]

You don't "deserve to die". You didn't choose to have BPD.
You say that you are trans. That makes you priviliged. You can see the world from two very different perspectives. Most people only get to see it from one. That is (basically) the reason that many Native American societies thought that trans people had been specially favored by the gods. (That, in turn, led to the conclusion that trans people would be good at interceding with the gods, which is why so many shamans were trans.) If some people can't see that you are priviliged, that's their problem. You don't need to make it yours.
As for how people would remember you, stop worying about it. If you are dead, you won't care. And probably you won't be remembed by anyone, in any way, a hundred years from now. Few people are.

It's my mom. She's the only person who cares about me and I can never come out to her. There are only two options for being trans, either you transition or you ctb. I love her so much I could never ever destroy our relationship like that I would rather be dead.

And I do think there's something wrong with me that I have BPD. I don't have trauma like everyone says you're supposed to have. All the conflict in my life has always been my fault even when I was a kid I was always the person in the wrong. BPD explains all of it, I'm just broken and rotten to the core.
I know no one will remember me, not really. But because I am a corrosive, awful person I want them to. I want them to have been changed by knowing me.

 

[Linda]

It's my mom. She's the only person who cares about me and I can never come out to her. There are only two options for being trans, either you transition or you ctb. I love her so much I could never ever destroy our relationship like that I would rather be dead.

And I do think there's something wrong with me that I have BPD. I don't have trauma like everyone says you're supposed to have. All the conflict in my life has always been my fault even when I was a kid I was always the person in the wrong. BPD explains all of it, I'm just broken and rotten to the core.
I know no one will remember me, not really. But because I am a corrosive, awful person I want them to. I want them to have been changed by knowing me.

My advice would be to tell your mum, and transition. You don't know how she will react, and there is some risk that she will react badly and that it will destroy the relationship. But if that happens, the relationship wasn't worth much in the first place.
Living a lie is almost never a good idea.

BUT, before you get serious about coming out and then transitioning you need to be certain - and I do mean CERTAIN - that you can make it work. Are you sure you will be able to pass in your new gender? Are you sure that you are willing to make the substantial effort that is needed for a successful transition? Can you afford it? (You may need a double mastectomy, as a minimum.) What kind of life partner are you going to be looking for if you are a man without a penis? (Phalloplasty is a possible surgical option, but it is extremely expensive, and I'm not sure how good the results are.) Transitioning is NOT an easy option. If you have other problems too, don't assume that transitioning will fix them. It probably won't. You will still be (almost) the same person inside your head.

How old are you? (I know you are at least 18, because the site rules tell me that, but it would help if I knew more.) For how long have you been considering transitioning?

 

[onlyforever1]

My advice would be to tell your mum, and transition. You don't know how she will react, and there is some risk that she will react badly and that it will destroy the relationship. But if that happens, the relationship wasn't worth much in the first place.
Living a lie is almost never a good idea.

BUT, before you get serious about coming out and then transitioning you need to be certain - and I do mean CERTAIN - that you can make it work. Are you sure you will be able to pass in your new gender? Are you sure that you are willing to make the substantial effort that is needed for a successful transition? Can you afford it? (You may need a double mastectomy, as a minimum.) What kind of life partner are you going to be looking for if you are a man without a penis? (Phalloplasty is a possible surgical option, but it is extremely expensive, and I'm not sure how good the results are.) Transitioning is NOT an easy option. If you have other problems too, don't assume that transitioning will fix them. It probably won't. You will still be (almost) the same person inside your head.

How old are you? (I know you are at least 18, because the site rules tell me that, but it would help if I knew more.) For how long have you been considering transitioning?

I know all this. It's impossible for me. I would never be able to transition. It won't fix or help me it will just make things worse. I am 34 and have known I was trans since 2007. You don't have to tell me how hard it is. I know it's impossible.
I am not impulsively coming on here saying I need to ctb. I wish to god there was an alternative. But it is impossible for me to ever be happy and living the way I currently am is tantamount to torture.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

I have BPD that's all anyone needs to know about me. It explains everything. I'm not judging anyone for this, if I had had to be exposed to me for long periods of time I would also be relieved to forget. I'm terrible, I'm a terrible friend, a terrible daughter, I deserve to die.

Your more than your mental problems, no one deserves to die, i won't deny it feels best but no one deserves to

 

[onlyforever1]

Your more than your mental problems, no one deserves to die, i won't deny it feels best but no one deserves to

it's easier for me to think about it if I think I deserve it. i don't really want to ctb at all but the life I want is impossible so there's no alternative.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

it's easier for me to think about it if I think I deserve it. i don't really want to ctb at all but the life I want is impossible so there's no alternative.

I don't disagree with you for your choice obviously I wouldn't I'm here but I do disagree that people deserve to die and I'm sorry that the life you wanted hasn't worked out I wish you the best

 

[onlyforever1]

I don't disagree with you for your choice obviously I wouldn't I'm here but I do disagree that people deserve to die and I'm sorry that the life you wanted hasn't worked out I wish you the best

like I said I really really wish there was another option but I can't keep going like this.

 

[Pure Vanilla]

I mean i think it depends on the person but people all move on eventually or start caring about other things more, i have a friend whos best and only friend in school slit their wrists and he saw the corpse and had nightmares about it for years but these days hes not having dreams in general anymore, people eventually move on bit by bit even if they dont want to, only exception are sometimes marriages etc