whitetaildeer
Wreck & Rule
- Aug 5, 2024
- 397
To preface this: Dying by an eating disorder is an extraordinarily stupid, very bad idea, let alone decision, and you should not do it. I'm only writing this because I'm in a very late stage of an eating disorder, I know there is no way out, and I want to indulge in my suicidal ideation caused by it after a particularly embarrassing event that came as a direct result of my eating disorder occurred the day of writing this.
Not even two months ago, I relapsed into my eating disorder, i.e. bulimia. Despite my best attempts to stop, I was purging (self-induced vomiting) 6 times a day at minimum. At the apex of my eating disorder, I was purging 12+ times a day, several years ago. While the damage to my esophagus healed, I know it is very, very easy to re-open tears or inflict further damage. I don't know what I've done, but a month ago, I lost the ability to keep food down completely. I struggle to even keep water and medicine down. Today, I couldn't even keep food down in public, not even 10 minutes after eating it, and vomited at a metro station. In front of a bunch of people. On the floor. Fun.
I realize now recovery will not make a difference. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do about this, and I was stupid to try it. This isn't even considering I relapsed primarily out of some sense of morality (I felt it was somehow immoral to digest food, considering I am not a good person, and that it was a privilege that should have been taken away), so in a way, this is what I wanted. I don't have to battle with myself mentally any more to force myself to purge, I don't have to drag myself to the bathroom -- it'll come up anyway no matter what I do.
At this stage, I don't know if I should revel in this or not. If I should let myself die a slow death from bulimia, because if I get the energy to make myself worse, I can see death coming very soon for me. I have a lot to live for but after the loss of my girlfriend, I can't bring myself to care much for any of it.
I hate this.
Not even two months ago, I relapsed into my eating disorder, i.e. bulimia. Despite my best attempts to stop, I was purging (self-induced vomiting) 6 times a day at minimum. At the apex of my eating disorder, I was purging 12+ times a day, several years ago. While the damage to my esophagus healed, I know it is very, very easy to re-open tears or inflict further damage. I don't know what I've done, but a month ago, I lost the ability to keep food down completely. I struggle to even keep water and medicine down. Today, I couldn't even keep food down in public, not even 10 minutes after eating it, and vomited at a metro station. In front of a bunch of people. On the floor. Fun.
I realize now recovery will not make a difference. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do about this, and I was stupid to try it. This isn't even considering I relapsed primarily out of some sense of morality (I felt it was somehow immoral to digest food, considering I am not a good person, and that it was a privilege that should have been taken away), so in a way, this is what I wanted. I don't have to battle with myself mentally any more to force myself to purge, I don't have to drag myself to the bathroom -- it'll come up anyway no matter what I do.
At this stage, I don't know if I should revel in this or not. If I should let myself die a slow death from bulimia, because if I get the energy to make myself worse, I can see death coming very soon for me. I have a lot to live for but after the loss of my girlfriend, I can't bring myself to care much for any of it.
I hate this.
Last edited:
