Venting Death is slipping away from my fingers

[SantasHelper]

Yes, I was diagnosed last year w a rare disease . But I'm beating all odds. Cannot catch a break in any sense. Had a few surgeries, taken medications, I'm getting better. I was told I have a 50% chance. I just wanted my family and friends to be happy, I wanted to die 'accidentally'. I know I am stupid for taking the medications and getting treatment. But I felt so certain I would die. I'm going to lose my eyeball. I'm 99% certain I received too much anesthesia on my first surgery as it was hard for me to wake up, thought I was finally going to die.

I ruined my chance and for what, to make my family and friends happy. I want them to be happy. And being alive would make them happy. But I am not happy, I don't know if I ever will be. Haven't been hear in maybe over a year, did things I've never done. Went to gay club, travel, went to many concerts, hiking in different locations, I hooked up with people. All these things only bring temporary joy. I try talking to God, only temporary peace.
But slowly overtime I stop caring, I am not afraid to die anymore. I am planning my escape from this life.
Sorry if anyone thinks I'm stupid or disappointed in me. Don't know what's wrong with me. It's too late now. Maybe it's not. will have to stop taking medication & stuff. It's already taking my eye so whatever.

Thank you for reading, hope you all take care & find peace, either in death or in life.

 

[fleetingnight]

It's natural to try and please other people, even by doing things you don't want to. I don't think it's stupid. Maybe it's better to have more control over when/how you die? Idk what you have, but dying by illness seems like a really hard method no matter what it is. It's so unpredictable and often painful. I bet it's hard for anyone.

 

[SantasHelper]

I was ok passing sway with illness I honestly would rather it be random. I even made a will

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the peace you search for as well, best wishes.