NSFW Dealing with S/A vent/advice request?

[nightmare-receiver]

Hi guys I didn't really know what thread to post this in. I guess I'm kind of looking for advice, but SA might have to be under nsfw? TLDR: Any advice for dealing with fallout from/healing from sexual assault? I'm desperate.

Spoiler: The Details

I'm 22, and I was raped at 14 by my boyfriend. He convinced me to stay with him through a combination of abuse, manipulation, and isolation. I kept it a mostly secret for 7 months before my best friend at the time told someone. It became a legal thing, I didn't have enough to press charges but I had enough for a temporary protection order against him for "sexual violence." It only lasted 3 months. It's my only concrete piece of proof, and sharing it with anyone is a legal gray area.

My best friend at the time told a bunch of people, and it got around quick. He told people about it too. I had to be home from school for 3 months, and when I came back he followed me everywhere after I finally had the courage to officially break up with him. I went to another school and I hoped it was over, but when I graduated and went to college he followed. His cousin went to my school, so now he was hanging out with him in my dorm building, and they're both hanging out with the only friends I had made. I lived with these friends, and they thought I was overreacting, and that I was upset with them over nothing while they voluntarily ran in the same group as my rapist. I moved again and switched schools.

My new college was hours away, and the only place I ever felt safe. I felt like my life and metal state were getting so much better. I graduated and came home, and it feels like I'm right back where I started. It happened in my house, so everywhere I look reminds me of it. He still lives so close to me. He has a stupid band, which sounds like shit, but is still finding gigs. It hurts so bad to watch him receive so much attention because it's so dangerous for anyone who gives it to him. Multiple girls have contacted me saying the same thing or similar happened to them. I feel so much guilt, like I didn't fight back hard enough to make him feel like it wasn't easy to do again or something. I've reached out to a girl in his band, because that's how he got me, but she was awful about it. I have to hear about him playing at all these local venues, and he started working at one of the only stores I go to. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop where every few months or years he shows up and nobody believes me or cares.

I don't really see the point in continuing most of the time. I've done therapy, and I feel like it never helped. I tried group therapy, and was assaulted by a guy there, bad luck I guess. Medication doesn't help this. I feel like if I were going to heal, I would have made some kind of progress already in these 8 years. I've seen people who have been through similar things heal and grow, but not me. It is the driving force of me wanting to CTB, and I can't ever see it getting better. Please help, if you have anything to say that might.

 

[SASU-KE]

Seems like you've been struggling for a long time. If therapy and meds haven't helped,Have you had any relationship after that? Friend or a partner who was supportive?

What about parents? Are there people who you can speak with about these things IRL? It's mind boggling to think that some of the girls you're trying to reach out to aren't willing to listen.

Kudos to you for actually reaching out to people and trying to warn them. It's very kind of you to do that.

 

[rotthjärta]

Im sorry about the piece of shit people around you, the system for just giving him a 3 months protection order, those who didn't believe you or treated you as you were overreacting, you are not overreacting at all. You are not doing anything wrong as a matter of fact. Don't let that get to your head. You being able to voice discomfort or voice who or what had wronged you is a form strength, it might sound a little cheesy but it is true and I hope you don't lose the ability to speak up or say when things are wrong.

I don't have life changing advice. But changing up your space can help and I mean everything as in the furniture in your room too where its all placed i mean. It's one of the ways to allow yourself to look at your own place as a new personal space. Even just throwing out old things or clothes that you don't need. For me it helped when I wanted to sort of "cleanse" my mind, give myself a form of "new beginning". It's your house and it's your space, somewhere personal should feel safe.

The only other way to get out of that loop is to leave that city or town, it would be really hard to yes but if you are looking for a job or something try to get something outside of there. I think you can feel better, when you went to your new college a bit further it was a bit better, right. So there is a possibility, there is hope, i understand contemplating ctb but don't cut short when you have a chance or even that small bit of hope to live life comfortably, happy and far from this. I don't have advice on what steps to take or where to go but i hope you live the life you deserve, its angering seeing how such a disgusting person can go on to live like nothing ever happened.

With cutting off friends, find other friend or people who wont doubt you, in real life it may be difficult, try making connections online. You need people who are good friends to keep your mind away from the negative. Someone to encourage you to look in a different direction in life.

Be good to yourself.