ctb diary

[nails]

i've been constantly posting about waiting to ctb. i'm starting to feel like it's a waste (also, very annoying) to make a bunch of new threads about it; so i'll just keep all my yapping regarding this topic in a single thread.
anyways...

i wish i had a set date that i could look forward to. i don't really have a general timeframe, either. i'm aiming for sometime before my birthday (late April), but even that's starting to seem too optimistic. i don't want to set a date until i have everything i need. plus, there are a few tasks that i need to complete. i thought i would be at least halfway there, but everything is going wrong.
sometimes i think about scrapping everything and just jumping in front of a train. i'm just so exhausted and i'm getting worse by the day. i just want it to be over.

it's so unfair that i've been driven to this point but still have to go through so much more just to end it.

 

[Worndown]

If you have the materials needed, you will know when that time is here.
Not all spontaneous suicides are spontaneous. If you have the supplies available, it is just grab and go when needed.

 

[nails]

i wish i could stop thinking. i still get those random bursts of energy where i consider calling off my ctb plans. it doesn't last long; just a few moments later, i remember that i just can't live. i hate this, no amount of help or positive changes could make living bearable for me. i can't wait to die, it's all i can think about from the moment i wake up. i really wish i could live and be happy and normal, this isn't fair. i'm so lightheaded, i wish i could speed things up and get what i need so i can finally die. i have no drive to do anything anymore, i just want to die.

 

[nails]

there's nothing to do. everything is so boring. if it's not boring, it just annoys me or makes me feel more depressed. there's no point in starting anything, i just feel worse when i remember that it won't go anywhere. i just want to feel something different

 

[nails]

everybody sucks, i can't wait to die so ill never have to deal with anyone ever again. i wish i could be an introverted loser so i could avoid human interaction and successfully drop all of my friends without feeling so empty. i hate everyone, people are so useless, no one even fucking tries. i'm so happy i won't have to deal with this much longer.

nothing is appealing, dying is all i look forward to now; everyone and everything in my life just makes death even more exciting, i'm tired of dealing with this. i can't wait for this to finally be over.

 

[nails]

i recently learned that my favorite band is going to perform in my city. i was super excited, i don't even remember the last time they performed in the us.
now i'm just really pissed because their performance will be in september; i don't plan on living past april.

i had a stupid list of stuff i'd like to do before killing myself, and seeing them live was on top of that list.
the list wasn't very serious, i knew most of it wasn't even possible, and i had assumed seeing them live was also impossible because i didn't think they'd come to the us anytime soon. knowing that i could definitely see them if i stayed a bit longer makes me feel worse. it's in my grasp, i just can't live that long.

it's nice that i won't have to deal with useless thoughts like these for much longer

 

[nails]

the fact that i'm still alive is so stupid. i'm so ready to go, i wish i could just die now.
i have no drive to live and nothing to live for anymore. i'm not as scared as i used to be, i doubt anything that could come after death will be worse than this. nothing is exciting, everything that made me happy in the past has either been taken away or somehow makes me feel worse. everyone is fucking annoying and useless and i hate talking to my friends because none of it even means anything. everything feels so difficult; continuing to live like this is so lonely and draining. i constantly feel like i'm to puke and collapse but i still have to cosplay as a functioning human being every single day.

 

[nails]

i'm so tired all the time, but sleeping feels nearly impossible these days. i only sleep when i crash in the middle of some other activity. trying to consciously fall asleep is impossible and just leads to more anxiety attacks. i don't want to take my sleep meds anymore because i haven't taken them in a while so they'll just make me drowsy after i wake up, and i can't really afford to be drowsy throughout the day at the moment. this is such a pathetic and awful existence and there's no reason for me to still be here. nothing helps; healthy coping mechanisms make me feel more irritated and venting to others makes me want to rip my arms off because everyone is either too fucking inept to even try saying anything that could be helpful, or they try to guilt trip me out of killing myself. no one tries to actually be helpful, it's so hard to feel anything but resentment towards people.
i acknowledge that my issue can't be solved and it's not something that can really be dealt with through "coping". i can't live with this, the only way i could get better is if this thing was gone completely, but that's not possible. it would still be nice to hear something that doesn't sound like it came from chatgpt or a high school counselor, though.

 

[nails]

actually looking into train methods, finally. i'm really scared something won't work out and i won't be able to use this method.
destroying my insides by overdosing on a bunch of different meds really doesn't seem that bad. it doesn't get much worse than this, i can't shut my brain up so i hope i can at least overwhelm it with something else like physical stress.

 

[nails]

everything just reminds me of how badly i want to die. i can't fucking do anything, i'm so exhausted and in so much pain, i have no one because people are fucking useless. reaching out is so pointless because no one actually cares and everyone is stupid. i was up all night and still can't sleep even though i'm so tired. i have stuff to do today but oh well.
physical pain is the only thing that distracts me but it's so tricky because it's just never enough. nearly every day for the past month, i've been self harming by cutting, punching, biting, or burning myself, usually my arm/hand. now my arm is numb and it was for no reason because those distractions only worked maybe half of the time. it hurts to eat because i resort to biting the inside of my cheek or lip sometimes. i can't eat without feeling sick, so i guess it's not much of a problem.
all this, but people still whine in my fucking ear whenever i say i'd prefer to have access to drugs/literally just cigarettes or alcohol to deal with the anxiety just a little bit. wow, i had no idea drugs are bad for the body... like what's your point? i'm already deteriorating faster than i would if i had a fucking cigarette. i'm not going to be here for much longer anyways, i could not care less about long term effects or addiction. the people who say shit like that know about my entire situation but still start whining at the mention of drugs. people are so dumb, scrapping any common sense for the sake of their worthless opinion that i never even asked for and clearly did not need to hear. i don't care if drugs ruined your life and made you suicidalthere's nothing for me to ruin for myself, i was doomed from the start, so keep it to yourself.

i don't even vent about my problems with the hopes that i'll hear anything useful. sometimes i feel a bit better when i'm just talking nonstop, but then i feel worse because it's only a matter of time before someone says the dumbest shit that just makes me feel worse. this extends far past the drug rant, of course.

apparently dying is the only way i'll be able to get rid of this noise, i can't deal with it. at this rate, i'll probably end up hacking my arm off before i can even kill myself lmao. i'd do anything just to die now.

 

[pyranha]

i don't find your venting annoying or repetitive. i'm glad you have somewhere to say it safely. i can sympathize with the boredom you feel on a daily basis. overall, im sorry that you are suffering in this way, and if you do ever want someone to talk to, i will listen and do my best to give good advice regarding your situation. i don't blame you for wishing you had drugs and alcohol- ive often had to fight off the urge to start vaping to cope, embarrassingly enough. being fully present for this life feels like a form of torture

 

[nails]

my arm is still (mostly) numb and everything in my life just got worse lol.

why can't at least one thing just work out for me, holy shit. if everything is just going to keep getting worse, i should at least be able to kill myself. it sounds like a fair deal, lol. having a million reasons to kill yourself but no means of actually going through with it is so cruel.

 

[nails]

one step closer to dying everything is going so slow, it's making me really anxious. everything is getting worse and i'm really tired all of the time and no one cares. it was okay for the past few days, but i'm back to being so tired i can barely keep my eyes open; but i can't sleep because as soon as close my eyes, my brain gets so loud and i start thinking about everything that's making me feel so bad. i want to puke

 

[nails]

i really do think i'd be okay with being brain damaged or suffering from other severe injuries, and i've been trying to find good ways to cause this damage myself. i want a different problem, this one is boring.
i don't see many downsides and i have nothing to lose.

 

[pyranha]

would you like to talk about the 'problem'? i'd be willing to listen if so. i'm sorry you're having such a rough time

 

[WhySoSad55555]

I'm sorry I don't want to bother you or anything. I'm so sorry about how your feeling, I just wanted to say that I can relate a lot to how your feeling. I feel mostly tired and numb all the time nowadays. I hope you can feel better and be at peace soon.

 

[nails]

I'm sorry I don't want to bother you or anything. I'm so sorry about how your feeling, I just wanted to say that I can relate a lot to how your feeling. I feel mostly tired and numb all the time nowadays. I hope you can feel better and be at peace soon.

you're not bothering me, i appreciate your message. i'm sorry you're also going through such a hard time. i'll be wishing you the best, i hope you find some peace.

 

[WhySoSad55555]

you're not bothering me, i appreciate your message. i'm sorry you're also going through such a hard time. i'll be wishing you the best, i hope you find some peace.

Thank you so much. It's nice when you can find people that can relate to you, and have went through similar challenges. I'm new here, and trying to find a way to ctb is kind of confusing and sometimes overwhelming. Do you ever feel like everything never goes right for you? Or everything goes wrong in your life, in a ironic way? That always happens to me, lol.

 

[nails]

Thank you so much. It's nice when you can find people that can relate to you, and have went through similar challenges. I'm new here, and trying to find a way to ctb is kind of confusing and sometimes overwhelming. Do you ever feel like everything never goes right for you? Or everything goes wrong in your life, in a ironic way? That always happens to me, lol.

yeah, a lot of methods are pretty tedious and overwhelming. it's frustrating that dying can't be simpler.
and i understand, i've been dealing with a similar feeling. whenever i try to make positive changes, everything goes wrong; whenever i try to take the steps needed to ctb, everything goes wrong. it's honestly funny, like the universe has a grudge against me and nothing works out in my favor, lol, it's kinda cartoonish.
also, welcome to the site :) i hope you find comfort here.

 

[WhySoSad55555]

yeah, a lot of methods are pretty tedious and overwhelming. it's frustrating that dying can't be simpler.
and i understand, i've been dealing with a similar feeling. whenever i try to make positive changes, everything goes wrong; whenever i try to take the steps needed to ctb, everything goes wrong. it's honestly funny, like the universe has a grudge against me and nothing works out in my favor, lol, it's kinda cartoonish.
also, welcome to the site :) i hope you find comfort here.

Exactly, out of everything you'd think that dying would be easier, lol. Oh and thank you so much, your so kind :D

 

[nails]

i had fun today, but i feel like shit. all i thought about was dying, even when i felt good. i was being productive while also having fun, but i still couldn't stop thinking about the same issue. genuinely, everything makes me think about it—no matter how unrelated it is. i feel exhausted because i haven't been able to properly sleep in so long. falling asleep is still nearly impossible, i just want to die. i'm still getting closer and that excites me.

 

[Worndown]

Even a little fun can break up a long day.

 

[nails]

i feel so uneasy. i have so many negative feelings towards dying, but living is just so much worse.
i'm gonna be screwing some people over with my death, i feel so bad. my brothers are planning to move later this year. of course, i was going with them; they all seem excited to move and i can't help but feel guilty for inconveniencing them during such an exciting time. i tend to do that to a lot of people, it seems. my timing is always awful.
i'll probably be alive for my birthday and i'm really anxious about that. thinking about it makes my chest hurt.
yeah, can't wait to receive a bunch of bland messages from people who feel obligated to wish me a happy birthday, but can't be bothered to even acknowledge my existence during the rest of the year. i think i was happier when i was completely isolated and with months without human interaction. i hate everyone, making friends was the worst decision i ever made.
i miss only having one friend (even if she was lowkey abusive) i felt less lonely than i do now, even though i have so many people in my life

 

[nails]

i start my new job in a couple of days. i'm not excited at all, i'll be working alongside my brothers and they said the job is difficult. i can barely even think or function these days, so i'm not sure how this'll go. mentally and physically, i'm just really exhausted. either way, the pay is really good—so hopefully i'll be able to take care of this financial shit and then ctb. the closer i get to dying, the less exciting it becomes. it's just depressing, i can't even be happy during my final days. everything i enjoy has either been taken away or makes me feel worse, and i'll be lonely and miserable until i finally die. at least it'll be over, i guess.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

hey unmet friend. we're here for you. I relate to your words about feeling numb and everything going wrong (sometimes ironically)

sending hugs

 

[nails]

i hate everyone. i hate seeing these people who are so close to one another, i hate seeing people who support each other unconditionally, i hate seing people who are always there for one another. i can't have that. whenever i get something like that, it doesn't last that long. i fucking hate people. i wish i could die now, i'm alone and i can't deal with it.

 

[nails]

living is such an unappealing concept. i never get what i want, i'll never be who i want to be, and everyone eventually fucks me over and/or disappears. i continue to search for meaning in useless shit, looking for some reason to live—nothing ever comes of it. i've acknowledged that dying is the only option, i wish human instincts would get the message.
+ this world just fucking sucks. there's no hope for this planet and everything is moving backwards. being a hateful, right-wing retard is now the norm. people who i knew as allies/overall accepting people are now spouting vile shit; claiming that they're opinion is the one being suppressed as if it's not the most popular one out there. the fact that being "woke" (having basic empathy and respect for people) is so taboo just annoys me. saying "genocide is bad" is woke, saying "rape is bad" is woke, saying "women are people" is woke, gay people merely existing is woke—but yeah, we're the sensitive snowflakes.
i hate liberals, radical leftism is the genuinely the only way, but people continue to go soft on bigoted fucking morons and now we're here.
i simply cannot live in a world with so much hatred. hatred will always exist, regardless of the popular political opinion; i just wanted to rant a little. people are evil, i don't want to deal with them. i can't just ignore it, it'll always be there. i'd rather die than live in a world that struggles to see the problem with something as black-and-white as genocide or the revoking of basic human rights. i may be letting them win, but i don't really care; it's not like i'll live to see it.

 

[nails]

i'm such an idiot. almost every awful thing i feel is a result of my own stupidity. i keep repeating the same mistakes, acknowledging the problem, vowing to never let it happen again, then eventually letting it happen again because i get desperate.
i realize that my best hope is to live idly with minimal human interaction until i can ctb, but i get so desperate for interaction. i hate being lonely. those interactions are so pleasing in the moment, but i end up feeling guilty and lonely in the long run.

 

[nails]

i'm struggling to breathe, my chest hurts, i'm about to puke, i can't stop crying, and i have to get ready . i can get myself sucked into a jet engine, but i won't—it's been crossing my mind, though. last resort for my last resort
there was one person i've been talking to, but she got a job recently, so i doubt i'll be hearing from her. everyone else is either inactive or blatantly ignoring me.
such a fun end i wish my hanging attempt worked. i could've went out knowing that i had others who cared about me, now everything is wrong. i can't even go out the way i want to, this is pathetic.