lpdsvm
Experienced
- Jan 11, 2026
- 203
CTB by 2029 or not. It makes me feel unwell. This feeling is haunting me. I kinda accept my fate, but I feel helpless that I cannot fix my problems. Knowing that it could be pointless and useless to hang in there to see what happens in 2029, I sometimes think why not just now? Just drink that SN or whatever, and in 15 min, it's all over. All issues, all that 'power and negotiation' crap - it's nothing compared to CTBing.
I'm sick of waiting that long knowing it could be over very soon. I feel like I am holding the best leverage and yet cannot use it because I think it might be OK and life will let it slide.
I want to get used to the fact that I am OK with CTBing any time for any (unexpected) reason, but when something happens or I feel this is close I kinda forget about it.
I don't want to have any high hopes. I want to shut it all down and follow my plan.
I want to end it sooner because I know there is no hope anymore, but I also want to wait until the end and see......
I had that moment just now - wanted to stand up and end it, but I didn't because I know I can do it any time as long as it is not as bad yet. Tomorrow - I don't want to think about tomorrow unless it's about my methods.
I'm sick of waiting that long knowing it could be over very soon. I feel like I am holding the best leverage and yet cannot use it because I think it might be OK and life will let it slide.
I want to get used to the fact that I am OK with CTBing any time for any (unexpected) reason, but when something happens or I feel this is close I kinda forget about it.
I don't want to have any high hopes. I want to shut it all down and follow my plan.
I want to end it sooner because I know there is no hope anymore, but I also want to wait until the end and see......
I had that moment just now - wanted to stand up and end it, but I didn't because I know I can do it any time as long as it is not as bad yet. Tomorrow - I don't want to think about tomorrow unless it's about my methods.
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