constant "I'm a bad person" anxiety

[wildflowers1996]

it's exhausting

I feel I don't understand my own motivations

I don't know if I am good or bad - I know it's unlikely that someone is 100% both but I feel like I need to know where I lie on the scale and I will never know because I can't ever tell if my motivations or good or are actually just selfish at their core

do I care about being good bc of genuine love/empathy for others? or do I just care about being good for my own self-esteem? to get people to like me? or both? am I just some insufferable person who wants to be "holier-than-thou"? a mix of all of that?

whenever someone says anything nice about me it's not reassuring; I just feel like "oh God I've manipulated them into feeling this way I really am awful they don't know every bad thing I've ever felt or done"

people say "if you worry about being a bad person you're probably not" but I don't agree???? maybe I'm only worried because I'm scared I will be punished for being bad???

and if that is the case, how do I fight my own nature? is it even worth trying?

I feel like I'm not naturally good or kind and it's something I have to work on but I don't know HOW - people might say to be less selfish to think more outwardly and focus on others more, rather than just sit around doing nothing saying "am I bad????" without actually doing anything to help anyone, but if I DON'T reflect on my own intentions and actions and am not self-aware I'm more likely to fall back into my own selfish nature???? I feel I cannot win, I don't know how to strike the right balance, plus I never know if I AM doing "the right thing" or not, because people have different ideas as to what that is

whatever I do it seems impossible not to end up being a crappy person somehow, and I feel like it's important NOT to be a bad person, so it's so stressful
I wish I knew what it was like in the head of an atheist, unpraised humanitarian worker, and how I could be like that, but also, I feel like being an atheist, unpraised humanitarian worker would be miserable

 

[Redacted24]

Well articulated.
I struggle with the same exhaustion. I'm being told that I'm a horrible monster in one side and told I'm one of the kindest people... on the same day by different people.
I don't try to be a bad person to another, ever.
I yelled at a bus driver recently and that gnaws at me still.
I just try to be truthful and to listen to others, as I hope they would with me. Even if I'm doing something wrong.
I've given up trying to please people.
I don't do good or evil to benefit others. I do it because it's in my nature... and it's up to the other person to interpret it as they want.
Don't fight your own nature.
People can sense when you're not being true, and then they tend to distrust you.
I've had times when I was feeling extra kind and went out of my way to help, only to have the other person look at what I brought with suspicion and throw it away because it was too nice, there must be something hidden that would hurt them.

Their feelings are theirs, leave them to it.
Just be you. You're the one that has to live with your feelings. Be comfortable with that.
It's still not easy dealing with other people. It's exhausting like you said. But try not to compound it by adding their reactions onto your own.
Good luck!

 

[Redacted24]

Oh, and as my spiritual advisor and life coach Lenka's ding song says,

"Slow it down, make it stop
Or else, my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not"

(from "the show)...

 

[wildflowers1996]

Oh, and as my spiritual advisor and life coach Lenka's ding song says,

"Slow it down, make it stop
Or else, my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not"

(from "the show)...

I love this song

 

[passer-by]

I'm going to leave this quote from Philipp Mainländer here for you, since it's something I resonate with as well. There is no such thing as a "good" deed. Every action is inherently selfish. According to him. And me.
And yeah, it is a quite disheartening discovery once you get truly into it...

"Every action of man, the highest as well as the lowest, is egoistic; for it flows from a certain individuality, a certain I, with a sufficient motive, and can in no way be omitted. To go into the reason of the difference of characters is not the place here; we have simply to accept it as a fact. Now it is just as impossible for the merciful man to let his neighbor starve as it is for the hard-hearted man to help the poor. Each of the two acts according to his character, his nature, his ego, his happiness, consequently egoistically; for if the merciful one did not dry the tears of others, would he be happy? And if the hard-hearted one relieved the suffering of others, would he be satisfied?"

Philosophie der Erlösung, Erster Band(2014)

 

[coolgal82]

people say "if you worry about being a bad person you're probably not" but I don't agree???? maybe I'm only worried because I'm scared I will be punished for being bad???

this bit specifically is so real. like i feel like im a bad person (alot of the time atleast? it changes. sometimes i feel like the best person ever who has done no wrong and any wrong i have done isnt my fault lmao.) and like whenever this comes up it always makes me go like "ok but what if i know that and am just faking worrying about it to make myself seem less bad?" or like "well im worried about it but i dont change any bad behaviours i do so what does worrying about it matter?" or various other reasons.

alot of this post is very real but that one bit in particular really spoke to me.

 

[obligatoryshackles]

There's nothing you can do about whether your actions result in a bad outcome. You can only do your best to arbitrarily judge what you think is the best course of action. And as useless as this advice is, it's just a matter of fact that there's basically no benefit in worrying about it to the extent that it hurts you.

You can't control the outcome of your actions. You can only control what you do in response. So if you make mistakes, take responsibility. If there's something you can do to rectify it, do it. If there's a lesson to be learned, find it and take it to heart. And if you struggle to do so, search for the reason why you struggle.

We will inevitably make mistakes, no matter our intentions. No one can fully understand even one other person, much less the totality of any given situation. Not to mention that our decision making process isn't fully rational to begin with.


And yeah, the self awareness thought loop is, in fact, infinite. There is no answer down that road.


I don't know if you would be receptive to this angle at all, but it is my opinion that all altruism is fundamentally selfish. Whether it's to virtue signal, for material gain, or just to feel good emotionally, there is no motivation to do good that isn't ultimately selfish. It is my opinion that you will not find a single human who performs altruism without gaining something from it, even if it's only to feel good, even if it's only in search of penitent catharsis.

So if you want to be good, find your reason to do good. It can be as vain as wanting to be seen as good or as shallow as just wanting to feel good. It can even be a mix of any number of reasons. All the more justification to do good. And yeah, bonus points if you consider the pitfalls of translating a reason into action. Just wanting to be seen as good can lead to performative, non substantive action. Wanting to just feel good can lead to conflict avoidance and aversion to anything that makes you feel bad. Just remember to pay attention to the outcome, take responsibility, and learn from it.

And yes, I am being patronizing and hypocritical. I don't have the strength of will to do all of that all the time. I'm a weak and mistake prone creature known as a human.