VitezslavNezval
Spiegel der Nacht.š¹
- Jan 9, 2024
- 18
At this point I just don't know what I want from life. Nothing is changing much and when there is something I want to change, it is Impossible for me to change right now, or I am just too much stupid to do so.
I don't want to make it look like whining but I just feel lonely... I am transgender, but I haven't told anyone about it yet, because I don't pass, life feels so fake and nowhere leading because of this. I have some "friends" but I don't know how to talk with them, I don't even know if they are interested and with some of them I don't even want to talk. I have blocked many of my friends and stopped talking with them (They weren't that bad tho), I thought I will find new easily, but no...
So why I don't make new friends? I can't find anyone and when I find someone then it feels somehow boring to me. Sometimes I don't want new friends. I don't know where to look for them, I have heard advice that you have to search in a communities related to your hobbies, but that didn't help me much.
I don't pass, so frienship where someone calls ma by girl name while I sound as a man (and still kinda look) just feels strange to me. Maybe I can't live my life fully just because I am not what I want to be.
Everything feels so dull, tranquil and surreal...
I don't have any life goals other than become woman, but I am kinda failing at that too.
I love literature, but now I feel like I have lost the passion for it.
I don't know how to continue in life. It's just "do this then this and hope it gets better", maybe it really is what life is about, but that is the thing that is eating me inside. Everything seems so far away.
Younger me probably would be disappointed what kind of loser I have become, but younger me should have killed herself.
Suicide feels like relief, but I think I just want attention, because I don't have the courage to ctb. I always stop myself when I am almost losing consciousness, then I start crying.
I know there isn't any discussion point, It's just a vent anyway.
I don't want to make it look like whining but I just feel lonely... I am transgender, but I haven't told anyone about it yet, because I don't pass, life feels so fake and nowhere leading because of this. I have some "friends" but I don't know how to talk with them, I don't even know if they are interested and with some of them I don't even want to talk. I have blocked many of my friends and stopped talking with them (They weren't that bad tho), I thought I will find new easily, but no...
So why I don't make new friends? I can't find anyone and when I find someone then it feels somehow boring to me. Sometimes I don't want new friends. I don't know where to look for them, I have heard advice that you have to search in a communities related to your hobbies, but that didn't help me much.
I don't pass, so frienship where someone calls ma by girl name while I sound as a man (and still kinda look) just feels strange to me. Maybe I can't live my life fully just because I am not what I want to be.
Everything feels so dull, tranquil and surreal...
I don't have any life goals other than become woman, but I am kinda failing at that too.
I love literature, but now I feel like I have lost the passion for it.
I don't know how to continue in life. It's just "do this then this and hope it gets better", maybe it really is what life is about, but that is the thing that is eating me inside. Everything seems so far away.
Younger me probably would be disappointed what kind of loser I have become, but younger me should have killed herself.
Suicide feels like relief, but I think I just want attention, because I don't have the courage to ctb. I always stop myself when I am almost losing consciousness, then I start crying.
I know there isn't any discussion point, It's just a vent anyway.
