constant "I'm a bad person" anxiety

[wildflowers1996]

it's exhausting

I feel I don't understand my own motivations

I don't know if I am good or bad - I know it's unlikely that someone is 100% both but I feel like I need to know where I lie on the scale and I will never know because I can't ever tell if my motivations or good or are actually just selfish at their core

do I care about being good bc of genuine love/empathy for others? or do I just care about being good for my own self-esteem? to get people to like me? or both? am I just some insufferable person who wants to be "holier-than-thou"? a mix of all of that?

whenever someone says anything nice about me it's not reassuring; I just feel like "oh God I've manipulated them into feeling this way I really am awful they don't know every bad thing I've ever felt or done"

people say "if you worry about being a bad person you're probably not" but I don't agree???? maybe I'm only worried because I'm scared I will be punished for being bad???

and if that is the case, how do I fight my own nature? is it even worth trying?

I feel like I'm not naturally good or kind and it's something I have to work on but I don't know HOW - people might say to be less selfish to think more outwardly and focus on others more, rather than just sit around doing nothing saying "am I bad????" without actually doing anything to help anyone, but if I DON'T reflect on my own intentions and actions and am not self-aware I'm more likely to fall back into my own selfish nature???? I feel I cannot win, I don't know how to strike the right balance, plus I never know if I AM doing "the right thing" or not, because people have different ideas as to what that is

whatever I do it seems impossible not to end up being a crappy person somehow, and I feel like it's important NOT to be a bad person, so it's so stressful
I wish I knew what it was like in the head of an atheist, unpraised humanitarian worker, and how I could be like that, but also, I feel like being an atheist, unpraised humanitarian worker would be miserable

 

[Redacted24]

Well articulated.
I struggle with the same exhaustion. I'm being told that I'm a horrible monster in one side and told I'm one of the kindest people... on the same day by different people.
I don't try to be a bad person to another, ever.
I yelled at a bus driver recently and that gnaws at me still.
I just try to be truthful and to listen to others, as I hope they would with me. Even if I'm doing something wrong.
I've given up trying to please people.
I don't do good or evil to benefit others. I do it because it's in my nature... and it's up to the other person to interpret it as they want.
Don't fight your own nature.
People can sense when you're not being true, and then they tend to distrust you.
I've had times when I was feeling extra kind and went out of my way to help, only to have the other person look at what I brought with suspicion and throw it away because it was too nice, there must be something hidden that would hurt them.

Their feelings are theirs, leave them to it.
Just be you. You're the one that has to live with your feelings. Be comfortable with that.
It's still not easy dealing with other people. It's exhausting like you said. But try not to compound it by adding their reactions onto your own.
Good luck!

 

[Redacted24]

Oh, and as my spiritual advisor and life coach Lenka's ding song says,

"Slow it down, make it stop
Or else, my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not"

(from "the show)...

 

[wildflowers1996]

Oh, and as my spiritual advisor and life coach Lenka's ding song says,

"Slow it down, make it stop
Or else, my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not"

(from "the show)...

I love this song