catching my plane tomorrow!

[vonvonwantpeace]

Hey I hope you find peace. Good Luck. also my method is SN.

 

[Aleksandra]

Hey I hope you find peace. Good Luck. also my method is SN.

thank you! i only got my sn yesterday, i'm hoping to stay awake as long as i can, take the pills and then pass out from exhaustion before the SN knocks me :s

 

[Adrinabik]

thank you! i only got my sn yesterday, i'm hoping to stay awake as long as i can, take the pills and then pass out from exhaustion before the SN knocks me :s

Read Seneca's how to die before you go. It'll help calm your mind.

 

[mnjkl]

thank you! nearly 20 and i've just learnt to love it

I hate to think of you making this decision at 19, but I'll admit that you have a lot more guts than I did at your age. I wish you the best.

 

[Aleksandra]

I hate to think of you making this decision at 19, but I'll admit that you have a lot more guts than I did at your age. I wish you the best.

i think it's more so i feel selfish living. i don't want to get better, and there are people who do, and really try yet they don't get it because people like me who don't want to get better get that help. the nhs is already struggling on funds. there's no reason for me to be around anymore, all i would be doing is living off of benefits, in a council home and doing nothing with my life. i don't want to get to that point:(
it's bright outside and the birds are chirping, i'm having a hard time pushing my impulses to do it now. i'm feeling so sad

 

[mnjkl]

i think it's more so i feel selfish living. i don't want to get better, and there are people who do, and really try yet they don't get it because people like me who don't want to get better get that help. the nhs is already struggling on funds. there's no reason for me to be around anymore, all i would be doing is living off of benefits, in a council home and doing nothing with my life. i don't want to get to that point:(

The fact that you would even consider this means that you're not selfish. Despite my worst efforts, my life has changed drastically from when I was 19 and so I hope that you consider the possibility of your circumstances changing in the near future as well because at your age they probably will. At the same time I still admire your resolve, and whatever you decide to do I wouldn't judge any differently regardless of your age.

 

[Aleksandra]

The fact that you would even consider this means that you're not selfish. Despite my worst efforts, my life has changed drastically from when I was 19 and so I hope that you consider the possibility of your circumstances changing in the near future as well because at your age they probably will. At the same time I still admire your resolve, and whatever you decide to do I wouldn't judge any differently regardless of your age.

it's mostly due to my personality disorder along with my cptsd. it is a living hell to live with and the circumstances only get worse, i've been in therapy since 9, few years now i've given up on myself, truly tried but i'm just so adamant that i don't want to change my life anymore. i have considered my age in this, but nothing will get better because i don't want them to. i think that's the key fact, and people tell you over and over that you can only get better when you decide you want to - even when i found someone who loved me despite my shitty past, i didn't want to get better. he did everything he could to push me to recovery and i chose not to, up until he left recently. i only broke my own heart there. if i could, i would've killed myself a lot earlier..:(

 

[Suicidal4Ever]

yes i'm still on the fence of if i want to take 20 or 25g of it, as i'd need to take 25 pills opposed to 20, i can't swallow salty water so it wouldn't work for me:(

It's way worse than regular salt water imo. One drop almost made me vomit. Would go with capsules.

 

[Aleksandra]

It's way worse than regular salt water imo. One drop almost made me vomit. Would go with capsules.

i'm going with the capsules regardless, i hate salt water with a burning passion xd

 

[woxihuanni]

Hope you have not boarded yet, just woke up

 

[mnjkl]

it's mostly due to my personality disorder along with my cptsd. it is a living hell to live with and the circumstances only get worse, i've been in therapy since 9, few years now i've given up on myself, truly tried but i'm just so adamant that i don't want to change my life anymore. i have considered my age in this, but nothing will get better because i don't want them to. i think that's the key fact, and people tell you over and over that you can only get better when you decide you want to - even when i found someone who loved me despite my shitty past, i didn't want to get better. he did everything he could to push me to recovery and i chose not to, up until he left recently. i only broke my own heart there. if i could, i would've killed myself a lot earlier..:(

I think that what makes the most difference is the changing of your perspective. What you want can change. Although I know you're not looking to be dissuaded, I can't help but notice that your situation sounds similar to mine at your age. I found the usual methods of treating my ptsd were completely useless but I eventually found alternatives such as psilocybin that completely changed my perspective. If you haven't looked into psychoactives as a treatment for ptsd, you definitely should. They have only recently begun testing this because of repressive laws against psychoactives, but so far they have proven much more effective than existing medications and therapy, and this form of treatment has been used successfully for centuries by many cultures. If you have nothing to lose, then I think they're definitely worth a try.

 

[Aleksandra]

I think that what makes the most difference is the changing of your perspective. What you want can change. Although I know you're not looking to be dissuaded, I can't help but notice that your situation sounds similar to mine at your age. I found the usual methods of treating my ptsd were completely useless but I eventually found alternatives such as psilocybin that completely changed my perspective. If you haven't looked into psychoactives as a treatment for ptsd, you definitely should. They have only recently begun testing this because of repressive laws against psychoactives, but so far they have proven much more effective than existing medications and therapy, and this form of treatment has been used successfully for centuries by many cultures. If you have nothing to lose, then I think they're definitely worth a try.

a little too late, i'm far from wanting to change my mind. plus i can't use psychoactives, i have psychotic traits and they only make it worse.

 

[mnjkl]

a little too late, i'm far from wanting to change my mind. plus i can't use psychoactives, i have psychotic traits and they only make it worse.

Sorry, I couldn't help but try : )

I hope you find peace.

 

[Aleksandra]

12 hours left to go, i still haven't slept. set an alarm for 5pm so i can at least have a few hours to take my anti sickness pills and maybe watch a few films before rewatching the new episode of peaky blinders. i'm thinking of postponing it to 2am so i can go see the sea for the last time.
i think i'll end up doing it when it feels most natural to me, setting an exact time feels too forced, however i am very excited

 

[Rocksandsand]

Oh @zajebistakaczka (Natalia hehe) I am so sad to see you go. You're right - it is a beautiful graveyard here. I am so so glad that I saw this before you go (I lost my bloody phone for a few days grrr). I've followed your posts, and you have been to hell and back. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, you're overdue for some heaven.

Go to the sea if you can. Create something positive before your plane arrives

 

[Sunset Limited]

Whatever the outcome, I wish the best for you. Good luck.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Here is something positive for your pre-ctb festivities:

 

[Aleksandra]

thanks guys, i'm gunna hop on youtube for a bit and try to sleep. i'll be back for a few hours after 5 to say my final farewells

 

[Sunset Limited]

Have you seen the movie "the sunset limited"? It inspired me tremendously for CTB. It's full of great lines. After watching I got a ticket for "sunset limited". I thought if you had time, maybe you'd like to watch.




I know it's ridiculous, but I'm very sorry that others have CTB. That's probably why we're all here, but I still feel sorry. I hope you checked all the side roads. I am 42 years old. If I could go back 20 years ago, I wouldn't want to die. Of course I can't feel like you. I know it's ridiculous, it's just sad.

 

[Soul]

@zajebistakaczka, I'm sorry about everything that's led you to this. It will be the world's loss when you go. No matter what you decide, I wish you the best outcomes for you going forward. Journey well x

 

[Options]

I'm sorry its come to this. Thev UK will be an even worse place without you.
I hope you find peace.

 

[binturong]

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck! If you change your mind at the last minute,May each of your tomorrows be better than your yesterdays, be bright and beautiful like a rainbow. If not, Hope you find rainbow on the other side. Наталья I drew you a picture. Powodzenia!

 

[Bathsheba]

thanks guys, i'm gunna hop on youtube for a bit and try to sleep. i'll be back for a few hours after 5 to say my final farewells ♥

Thinking of you Honey. Good luck and love whatever you decide xxxx

 

[Lonewolfza]

I wish you find the peace you are looking for

 

[letmeseethedeath]

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck! If you change your mind at the last minute,May each of your tomorrows be better than your yesterdays, be bright and beautiful like a rainbow. If not, Hope you find rainbow on the other side. Наталья I drew you a picture. Powodzenia!
View attachment 15980

that's so beautiful oh my i'm sure she'll love it

 

[Aleksandra]

thanks for all the messages guys, i kinda over slept. i still feel really tired, but i'm too anxious to go back to sleep, go figure. i had a dream that my ex came home, early because his flight was pushed back and we were happy again, and i didnt feel so bad anymore. first time in about 5 years i didn't have a nightmare. but i woke up feeling more depressed.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck! If you change your mind at the last minute,May each of your tomorrows be better than your yesterdays, be bright and beautiful like a rainbow. If not, Hope you find rainbow on the other side. Наталья I drew you a picture. Powodzenia!
View attachment 15980

it's so pretty! i'm in love

 

[Nihilistic Porcupine]

For what it's worth, as someone who has lurked here but has yet to post- you should talk to your ex before you make any decision on any thing.

 

[Aleksandra]

For what it's worth, as someone who has lurked here but has yet to post- you should talk to your ex before you make any decision on any thing.

i have, over and over for the last two months

 

[JimFord99]

i have everything i need, just on time for tomorrow. i've met some lovely people here, i'm writing this now so i can keep talking until i finally log off. you're all wonderful people and i'm so happy i had the pleasure of knowing a lot of you before my departure. i'll be doing it at around 8pm uk time tomorrow, but i'm awake until 10am. can't lie, i'm a bit nervous but excited, it's been a wild journey. i wish it didn't have to be this way.

I sincerely wish you all the best, have a peaceful journey and rest in piece. I am going to miss you, no doubt about that, I really enjoyed talking to to, it really has been a pleasure. All the best, maybe we will meet again in another and hopefully better life.

 

[Nihilistic Porcupine]

Does he know what you're planning?

It might not change anything at all. But your subconscious mind told you something last night.

That's the big thing. We must always listen to our gut feelings, our instincts, our subconscious. Can't ignore those things.