tiger b
AI without the I
- Oct 24, 2023
- 1,229
Well I've known it was probably coming for a while, but my 'career' is over. Today. All in all, over 20 years of it including training. That's it.
Has it been successful? Yes - and no. I was 'supposed' to be successful. It didn't happen.
I made a huge mistake, right from the start: I thought being good, even very good, at one's job was the most important thing. It's not. It's more about playing the game, fitting into the environment, saying the right thing not the most helpful thing. Sucking up. I'm just not that sort of person. If I don't like someone or think they're a bully, I ain't kissing posterior.
The job ended relationships I had, it damaged my mental health severely to the point of CTB, 70 hour weeks weren't good enough, always feeling not good enough. I tried to bribe myself with material possessions, house, nice holidays, car etc. That didn't work. They felt meaningless. I just can't lie to myself. I'm sure many feel the same.
A lot of it I blame on myself and being naive. Very hard on myself. But that's a good combination for success...in the short term. Longer term and there's burnout...I've always been an all-or-nothing sort of person and that's a recipe for disaster in certain lines of work. I should have thought of that before choosing the job...but I really didn't know what a monster it could be. And many don't.
Given my background as an abused, neglected and quietly despairing yet angry child - it was a brave career to do. My first real employer had an idea what I went through. Occasionally I see them being interviewed on the news as an expert. He used to tell me I had so much potential...I'm the washed up one.
So, I'm off to do a crappy temp job (probably starting tomorrow) and inevitably I'll probably end up stinking out some call centre somewhere...what a sorry end.
Some wonderful memories and some achievements. I've genuinely 'helped' and that's some comfort. But that's it. Maybe I've paid my dues. Shame I'm so fkn broke! Fuck life and fuck good intentions.
The dream has died. Maybe I'm not far behind. We shall see.
I'll never feel guilty for being selfish again.
Has it been successful? Yes - and no. I was 'supposed' to be successful. It didn't happen.
I made a huge mistake, right from the start: I thought being good, even very good, at one's job was the most important thing. It's not. It's more about playing the game, fitting into the environment, saying the right thing not the most helpful thing. Sucking up. I'm just not that sort of person. If I don't like someone or think they're a bully, I ain't kissing posterior.
The job ended relationships I had, it damaged my mental health severely to the point of CTB, 70 hour weeks weren't good enough, always feeling not good enough. I tried to bribe myself with material possessions, house, nice holidays, car etc. That didn't work. They felt meaningless. I just can't lie to myself. I'm sure many feel the same.
A lot of it I blame on myself and being naive. Very hard on myself. But that's a good combination for success...in the short term. Longer term and there's burnout...I've always been an all-or-nothing sort of person and that's a recipe for disaster in certain lines of work. I should have thought of that before choosing the job...but I really didn't know what a monster it could be. And many don't.
Given my background as an abused, neglected and quietly despairing yet angry child - it was a brave career to do. My first real employer had an idea what I went through. Occasionally I see them being interviewed on the news as an expert. He used to tell me I had so much potential...I'm the washed up one.
So, I'm off to do a crappy temp job (probably starting tomorrow) and inevitably I'll probably end up stinking out some call centre somewhere...what a sorry end.
Some wonderful memories and some achievements. I've genuinely 'helped' and that's some comfort. But that's it. Maybe I've paid my dues. Shame I'm so fkn broke! Fuck life and fuck good intentions.
The dream has died. Maybe I'm not far behind. We shall see.
I'll never feel guilty for being selfish again.
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