Venting Brains are dumb

[heywey]

I'm sitting here, with absolutely nothing wrong; I'm comfortable, with enough to eat and drink, the future looks bright for the first time in a while, I worked my ass off the past few days so I could take today off completely guilt-free and just take some much needed rest.

But I just keep spiraling. It's like I can feel my thoughts getting physically caught in this loop of fear and rumination, and for all the things going right I only think of the ways they could go wrong. I think of everything I've done wrong in the past and it feels like I'll do nothing right ever again. I feel awful, sitting here with every reason to feel okay and I'm having a fucking meltdown while I'm watching TV.

And logically I know it's ridiculous. I've been through this enough times I can take a step back and say 'yeah no those thoughts arent helpful at all'. But it's like this black hole of despair that sucks me in no matter how many different ways I try to ignore it or move past it. I know it's unreasonable, I know I gain absolutely nothing by feeding it, and yet.

Wish this overengineered melon would just shut the fuck up sometimes. Rant over I guess.

 

[Tautochrome]

Yep, a developed brain is a curse, a messy meat sack with residual instincts driven by a chemical cocktail. I don't think it's possible to override its shenanigans with sheer power of will or rationalization, without taking meds