Discussion BPD

[AgonyOnMe]

Those relationships are the trigger for everything. It's like they are our "core" and we can't even begin to fix ourselves until that is stable.

I feel for you because I think I know what you are going through and it's the worst thing I ever felt. I had a whole bunch of other stuff written out but I don't want to assume things. All I can say is we are here for you. We've either been through or are going through it. Just know that you can REALLY say what you feel here. We're not just saying that. Other people find us hard to deal with because our negative emotions seem endless. And they are but here is a safeplace to let them go.

 

[BPD_LE]

Oh wow, that's unusual. What triggered it? (if you want to share)

I don't think it's unusual. I'm 37, worse than ever too like @GreyMonkey
I've fought for 20 years to improve my quality of life. It's still shit.

 

[AgonyOnMe]

I don't think it's unusual. I'm 37, worse than ever too like @GreyMonkey
I've fought for 20 years to improve my quality of life. It's still shit.

Mine still shit too. It's just after living in this shit for so long, shit isn't a big deal anymore. My point was that a such a major crisis is a lot sooner than such a late age. It's usually in your teens or early 20s.

 

[BPD_LE]

My point was that a such a major crisis is a lot sooner than such a late age. It's usually in your teens or early 20s.

For me. I had major crises in teens, early 20s and now late 30s. My friend died 39. I know they say it gets better with age but this isn't my experience.
How old are you?

 

[AgonyOnMe]

For me. I had major crises in teens, early 20s and now late 30s. My friend died 39. I know they say it gets better with age but this isn't my experience.
How old are you?

Death of a friend is whole other issue I suppose. I just lost someone close myself, which is why I am here. (I'm 47)

 

[BPD_LE]

Death of a friend is whole other issue I suppose. I just lost someone close myself, which is why I am here. (I'm 47)

My friend was BPD too, ODed 10 years ago now. I'm sorry to hear you've recently lost someone.

 

[bea1974]

Getting to the Root of It: Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment Through Trauma-Focused Therapies

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) remains one of the most elusive mental health disorders in terms of effective treatment, creating profound emotional distress for both those who suffer from it and their loved ones. Many people living with BPD feel a sense of hopelessness not only due to...

www.bridgestorecovery.com

I honestly do believe that most, if not all, people diagnosed with BPD have actually got Complex PTSD. When they finally add C-PTSD to the DSM (it is coming, now that the World Health Organisation has finally acknowledged it's a thing!) at least some will finally get a more accurate diagnosis - one which acknowledges us as survivors, not defected people. Our personality is not the problem, it's about coping mechanisms developed by traumatic experiences.
,

 

[AgonyOnMe]

I honestly do believe that most, if not all, people diagnosed with BPD have actually got Complex PTSD. When they finally add C-PTSD to the DSM (it is coming, now that the World Health Organisation has finally acknowledged it's a thing!) at least some will finally get a more accurate diagnosis - one which acknowledges us as survivors, not defected people. Our personality is not the problem, it's about coping mechanisms developed by traumatic experiences.
,

I agree completely. I feel like we are told something is wrong with us. How can that be when all we've done is tried to cope with our surroundings. I get that we can be exhausting but to be told we are the problem in addition to what we are trying to deal with......why would anyone want to continue living in that world?

 

[PDAnnie2610]

‍Hard to tell.

I no longer trust people to care, though I hope they do. So much so that the thought inside (that most people are untrustworthy) pushes me away from wanting to seek people around me.

Being told I'm intense doesn't help. Broken promises from some people around me don't help me to trust others either.

The constant thought that I'm better off gone is like a resounding one in my head. Or that I'm useless and without a skill. Having this feeling that my degree is useless but wondering what i can do to make myself useful. (Yeah, I stuck to studying long enough to get a degree)

I'm worried that I'll need help from others around me when alone and anxious, and hence be a burden and wear people out.

Or as my aunt puts it 'the hamster wheel is spinning' Sigh.

I've already listed out what I need to do before CTB, and the list is onerous. More anxiety... doesn't help that my anxiety fuels hoarding and hoarding increases my anxiety.

I honestly do believe that most, if not all, people diagnosed with BPD have actually got Complex PTSD. When they finally add C-PTSD to the DSM (it is coming, now that the World Health Organisation has finally acknowledged it's a thing!) at least some will finally get a more accurate diagnosis - one which acknowledges us as survivors, not defected people. Our personality is not the problem, it's about coping mechanisms developed by traumatic experiences.
,

Yeah.. childhood bullying for a decade, being molested as a child and not getting help after that definitely helps - I can't handle an adult romantic relationship without flinching and does my darnest best to be as unappealing as ever as I grow up... and then having my attempts to seek appropriate help rebuffed, hence gave up...

 

[hypo666]

Does anyone else with BPD have problems with the same gender? I cannot tolerate men in authority and if Iam in a situation like that I will bottle things up until I explode. I found in my past before I isolated for years If I was around a group of men I would almost always be the one picked on. This began at an early age but as I got older when I was picked on I would react by either leaving the situation or if I felt trapped get into a physical confrontation. I either hero worship another man in a small minority of cases or in most cases I want to murder him. I even feel disgust if a man gets in my personal space and I think extremely violent thoughts. Sounds really awful but I haven't acted on those thoughts ,if I had I doubt I would be on this forum!.

I don't have this happen when dealing with women,I don't get those feelings of anger or self disgust .

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Mostly issues with opposite gender for me, but not of the same gender.

 

[bea1974]

My issues with men (and in specific circumstances with specific women too) are a direct response to the specific traumas I have survived. I refuse the diagnosis of BPD for myself, and insist I have C-PTSD, though.

I have specific triggers, and each can be directly related to specific traumatic experiences I have lived through. I view them as rational, normal, responses to life experiences I have had. I've done a lot of work both alone and with a trauma-therapist, which have helped me identify and understand my triggers and where they come from.

I no longer accept that I have an illness or that anything is "wrong with me". I now know that the things that happened to me, and the people who did those things to me, were wrong. I simply did my best to cope and to survive. The coping mechanisms I developed no longer serve me, but are embedded deeply now and are hard to shift. That's not a disorder of my personality, it's a sign of being traumatised multiple times, carrying wounds from those traumas,and somehow surviving.

It's taken me 22 years to reach this point (since first being diagnosed/labelled mad) and a lot of hard work.

I still plan to ctb, it's not like my problems are gone just because I have a better understanding of their root causes, far from it, but I will no longer accept any diagnosis or label which makes me the problem rather than those who inflicted those traumas upon me.

 

[AgonyOnMe]

Does anyone else with BPD have problems with the same gender? I cannot tolerate men in authority and if Iam in a situation like that I will bottle things up until I explode. I found in my past before I isolated for years If I was around a group of men I would almost always be the one picked on. This began at an early age but as I got older when I was picked on I would react by either leaving the situation or if I felt trapped get into a physical confrontation. I either hero worship another man in a small minority of cases or in most cases I want to murder him. I even feel disgust if a man gets in my personal space and I think extremely violent thoughts. Sounds really awful but I haven't acted on those thoughts ,if I had I doubt I would be on this forum!.

I don't have this happen when dealing with women,I don't get those feelings of anger or self disgust .

I can kind of relate to that. Having to interact with other women seemed to magnify my faults so I never enjoyed hanging around them. I've always just had a boyfriend and he was pretty much my social circle. I never had issues being around a group of his friends.

 

[BPD_LE]

Does anyone else with BPD have problems with the same gender? I cannot tolerate men in authority and if Iam in a situation like that I will bottle things up until I explode. I found in my past before I isolated for years If I was around a group of men I would almost always be the one picked on. This began at an early age but as I got older when I was picked on I would react by either leaving the situation or if I felt trapped get into a physical confrontation. I either hero worship another man in a small minority of cases or in most cases I want to murder him. I even feel disgust if a man gets in my personal space and I think extremely violent thoughts. Sounds really awful but I haven't acted on those thoughts ,if I had I doubt I would be on this forum!.

I don't have this happen when dealing with women,I don't get those feelings of anger or self disgust .

Most, if not all of my BPD relationship problems are with the same gender. Which is awkward because I have a boyfriend.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Sigh.

Hard truth. Realising how toxic I am.

Desperate for love and yet an absolute nightmare to anyone who is with me.

This is what has me want to die so much. Realising I'm not capable of actually having a relationship.

That and how fucked my career is. How much I neglected it. Poor little victim me. With an endless fucking hole filled by nothing. Gathering friendships to give me attention but never satisfied by them. People to give my endless pain attention and yet nothing fills it. Always empty.

I didn't ask to be like this. I don't want to use people. I don't want to make horrific relationships for women. I don't want to just drift through life as a failure.

And I don't know how to heal it. And it's either that or die. I don't wanna live like this anymore.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Sigh.

Hard truth. Realising how toxic I am.

Desperate for love and yet an absolute nightmare to anyone who is with me.

This is what has me want to die so much. Realising I'm not capable of actually having a relationship.

That and how fucked my career is. How much I neglected it. Poor little victim me. With an endless fucking hole filled by nothing. Gathering friendships to give me attention but never satisfied by them. People to give my endless pain attention and yet nothing fills it. Always empty.

I didn't ask to be like this. I don't want to use people. I don't want to make horrific relationships for women. I don't want to just drift through life as a failure.

And I don't know how to heal it. And it's either that or die. I don't wanna live like this anymore.

I feel you. Sometimes I wondered if there's a therapist that I can actually trust to work it through, it might just work out.. I had one but she moved on to somewhere else.

Have you ever considered therapy? I'm not pushing pro-life choices but was just wondering if you had considered alternatives.

May you achieve peace in whatever you choose.

 

[woxihuanni]

My first psychologist (who knows her shit as she's a trauma expert in my country) suggested that pushing others away is a way of avoiding abandonment, to abandon others before being abandoned. I swing between either one, unfortunately.

MY ex-partner tried to dump me the first time I showed a sign of rejection. From there on they just escalated things to get rid of me, and make me hate them. I'm not saying they have the label BPD, but it is a 'best defense is offense' strategy that is unfortunately common.

It doesn't work on somebody like me, though. There is no getting rid of me so long as I breathe, unless the foundations of the relationship are broken. Such as growing apart to be very different people, or losing physical attraction. So I wait patiently for them to notice that the cage they are battering against does not exist anywhere outside of their minds.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

MY ex-partner tried to dump me the first time I showed a sign of rejection. From there on they just escalated things to get rid of me, and make me hate them. I'm not saying they have the label BPD, but it is a 'best defense is offense' strategy that is unfortunately common.

It doesn't work on somebody like me, though. There is no getting rid of me so long as I breathe, unless the foundations of the relationship are broken. Such as growing apart to be very different people, or losing physical attraction. So I wait patiently for them to notice that the cage they are battering against does not exist anywhere outside of their minds.

Nice of you. Sadly I met many in my life who fled.

By the way, do you happened to be conversant in Chinese mandarin?

 

[woxihuanni]

Nice of you. Sadly I met many in my life who fled.

By the way, do you happened to be conversant in Chinese mandarin?

Thank you. No, I learnt some years ago, but remember little.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Thank you. No, I learnt some years ago, but remember little.

Ohh.. I wanted to say that you have a nice username.

 

[justwannadie]

I've been diagnosed with BPD. It's affected my life since I was a kid. It makes coping with anything in life so much harder. I'm incapable of soothing myself, or having a normal emotional response to something negative happening. People say things like "you can't always control the hardships that arise in your life, but you can control your emotions in how you respond to it." With BPD, I feel like that's impossible. I can't control my emotions. Everything feels overwhelming and more difficult than it would seem for a normally functioning person.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I've been diagnosed with BPD. It's affected my life since I was a kid. It makes coping with anything in life so much harder. I'm incapable of soothing myself, or having a normal emotional response to something negative happening. People say things like "you can't always control the hardships that arise in your life, but you can control your emotions in how you respond to it." With BPD, I feel like that's impossible. I can't control my emotions. Everything feels overwhelming and more difficult than it would seem for a normally functioning person.

Yes. But we are expected to keep trying.

Or at least that's the message I get. Keep trying trying and then..

Except that unlike those with other disorders, we often don't qualify for much help. So it's.. try or.. ctb for me.
I'm pondering on ordering SN. But just worried about issues with mail. I can't handle that trapped feeling of anxiety and isolation any more. Having it and a tentative date might just help me feel better?

 

[justwannadie]

Yes. But we are expected to keep trying.

Or at least that's the message I get. Keep trying trying and then..

Except that unlike those with other disorders, we often don't qualify for much help. So it's.. try or.. ctb for me.
I'm pondering on ordering SN. But just worried about issues with mail. I can't handle that trapped feeling of anxiety and isolation any more. Having it and a tentative date might just help me feel better?

Yeah, we're expected to keep trying and fighting. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to fight. I want to give up. I've been trying for a decade and it's only gotten much worse. The only solution for me is dying. I can't handle the anxiety anymore either. Having a date does make me feel more calm. I'm terrified of not being able to die and escape.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I honestly think the anxiety/agitation is one of worst part of this condition - it drives us into desperation..

 

[justwannadie]

I honestly think the anxiety/agitation is one of worst part of this condition - it drives us into desperation..

I think it is one of the worst parts. I'm always so agitated. I always feel like I want to scream. I feel trapped and desperate.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I think it is one of the worst parts. I'm always so agitated. I always feel like I want to scream. I feel trapped and desperate.

Same here. Spent the previous night doing the perfect rendition of 'the scream' for hours (silently) while crying because the anxiety was killing me. And the insomnia. And wondering if I should seek temp relief in SH before I ctb.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I feel you. Sometimes I wondered if there's a therapist that I can actually trust to work it through, it might just work out.. I had one but she moved on to somewhere else.

Have you ever considered therapy? I'm not pushing pro-life choices but was just wondering if you had considered alternatives.

May you achieve peace in whatever you choose.

Yes I have a therapist. Over the years I've tried many things. Getting a little relief, thinking on better, moving on. I'm aware now though that my dysfunction is deep.

 

[justwannadie]

Same here. Spent the previous night doing the perfect rendition of 'the scream' for hours (silently) while crying because the anxiety was killing me. And the insomnia. And wondering if I should seek temp relief in SH before I ctb.

Last night, I was having a panic attack over something relating to health anxiety (my fear of going blind) and I was crying and screaming and basically throwing a tantrum that my poor parents had to try to defuse. They failed. I couldn't sleep until 3 am. I was lying on the couch just imagining these terrible things and I wanted to thrash around and scream, I felt so scared and agitated. I'm terrified all the time.
And I had a strong urge to cut myself to relax, but didn't because I couldn't find any pencil sharpeners to remove the blades from.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Last night, I was having a panic attack over something relating to health anxiety (my fear of going blind) and I was crying and screaming and basically throwing a tantrum that my poor parents had to try to defuse. They failed. I couldn't sleep until 3 am. I was lying on the couch just imagining these terrible things and I wanted to thrash around and scream, I felt so scared and agitated. I'm terrified all the time.
And I had a strong urge to cut myself to relax, but didn't because I couldn't find any pencil sharpeners to remove the blades from.

I've a few sharps with me. And I'm all too aware of how addictive SH can be, that's why I held back. Spent years addicted to cutting and it took huge effort to stop. The end result was a body that I hate.

I cried alone. No one knew. It's better really. My parents can't be bothered - they value their rest more than me.

 

[justwannadie]

I've a few sharps with me. And I'm all too aware of how addictive SH can be, that's why I held back. Spent years addicted to cutting and it took huge effort to stop. The end result was a body that I hate.

I cried alone. No one knew. It's better really. My parents can't be bothered - they value their rest more than me.

I really have an urge to self harm tonight. I'm so stressed. Not being able to ctb right away (my method is expensive, I'm saving up for a high-rise hotel room) is driving me crazy.