My first psychologist (who knows her shit as she's a trauma expert in my country) suggested that pushing others away is a way of avoiding abandonment, to abandon others before being abandoned. I swing between either one, unfortunately.
My first psychologist (who knows her shit as she's a trauma expert in my country) suggested that pushing others away is a way of avoiding abandonment, to abandon others before being abandoned. I swing between either one, unfortunately.
BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
I know I've asked before, but I'll fish again! Any of you get overly attached to people outside of your relationship? I'm talking about doctors, teachers etc? And when I say overly attached I mean utterly obsessed? Same or opposite sex?
Used to be utterly obsessed with my first psychologist but I've managed with setting healthy boundaries when I was treated by her. Same gender yes
BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
I laugh in the face of healthy boundaries. I just can't stop pushing, and I've had some skilled therapists. But I burn them out eventually. All same sex. I have no control over it whatsoever. I'm manipulative, always 2 steps ahead. How did you get your head to stick to the boundaries?
I usually can stick to boundaries if the other party negotiates them and is consistent. I thrive on consistency and routine but everything falls apart when people are not consistent or break their word. I care a lot about those I care for and if they are clear and consistent, my clinginess is usually under control and hence my ability to stick to healthy boundaries somewhat. Still, I'm a very intense person.
gentleflower
Student
- Jun 6, 2019
- 105
I was very recently diagnosed with BPD as well and I am struggling to deal with it.
My family knows about it and they now assume I am some form of lunatic ...
I do especially have difficulties in forming relationships. I either absolutely love a friend and I don't necessarily mean romantic love and then I just always push too much or I barely feel anything for a few other friends, although they have been good to me. It is weird, I do not understand myself anymore.
My family knows about it and they now assume I am some form of lunatic ...
I do especially have difficulties in forming relationships. I either absolutely love a friend and I don't necessarily mean romantic love and then I just always push too much or I barely feel anything for a few other friends, although they have been good to me. It is weird, I do not understand myself anymore.
BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
So your saying that boundaries need to be negotiated and talked about? This is rarely done with me. Of course I would stick to boundaries if the other party said they would end the relationship if I don't. I too like consistency and also care very deeply about these people, I don't push boundaries out of malice but rather anxiety and desperation. The question is, how do you/ did you cope when this consistency is broken? Nothing stays the same for ever. And what about when the therapeutic relationship ends for whatever reason? How do you cope then? Do you still stick to the boundaries?
Yes. Be it for therapeutic relationships or friendships, I operate based on a very black and white mindset. If things are predictable, my anxiety will ebb with familiarity. I usually do end up pushing boundaries as a result of anxiety and desperation too, when I'm confused by incongruent/inconsistencies. Most friends around me are quite consistent people, those that aren't are those that will walk off sadly.
Therapy didn't work out, nor did it work out well with the psychiatrists because for the former, the 2nd psychologist who took over was a unethical practitioner when it suited her. With the psychiatrists, there was a sense of them just wanting the status quo - so long as I wasn't hurting myself too badly, it's fine. So ultimately I decided that it's not worth spending hundreds per month on status quo. I am grateful for the times they did go the extra mile for me though. However I chose to leave.
But I spiralled. My family can be quite insensitive and over time and much family drama, coupled with losses in relationships, my rage and despair got worse.
Now I deal with it as best as I can. I'm asking myself if I can trust my occupational therapist or if I should give up believing that I can get better.
I've dealt with the loss of the therapeutic relationship with my first clinical psych and a social worker who left the hospital where I sought treatment from. Both moved on elsewhere within a month of each other coincidentally. I broke down then, but resolved to leave it as it is out of respect for what they had done for me, and their obvious attempts to help ease me into letting go. My only regret is that Ms T didn't get to witness me achieve a milestone that most thought I wouldn't be able to.
Now, in my early 30s, I'm drifting and struggling. I want badly to return to postgrad overseas and I'm trying very hard, despite how unattainable it seemed to be.
It
It will take time. Be kind to yourself.
I cope by reading up books on this. It helped that I'm not a layman to all these either.
Feel free to pm me if you need any info or suggestions on suitable books to help you understand.
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BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
Ah yes. I tried that. Social Worker of 8 years left. I let her go without much drama but unfortunately she started working in my surgery and so it started up again. In the end she made a formal complaint about me. I couldn't fucking stand her then. She moved again. Sorted. Another social worker retired but she continued to see me socially (boundaries?) until it tapered off nicely. Saw my support worker socially when she left too, and college tutors. One when I was 16 years old. Like I said, I laugh in the face of boundaries! My current one is a Dr, toughest one yet, but I'm well rehearsed. People can judge if they like. I'm just being honest. I'm a text book borderline, always have been.
AgonyOnMe
Member
- Oct 19, 2019
- 46
Do you include magical thinking with those obsessions? Like creating scenarios that are otherwise out of character for them but you would be the exception?
Yes, that is my MO. Get them before they get me and if they do get me first, act as if It didn't phase me one bit, like I hardly even noticed.
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My personality disorder is 'mixed' rather than BPD, which means I have enough traits in several pd's one of them is BPD for it to amount to a PD, but does anyone else as well as suicidal ideation and behaviour ,deal with homicidal ideation and thoughts of revenge against specific people who did wrong to me years ago, and my grudges vary from .really fucked up shit they did to me that would mess anyone up , to others who did things that while nasty should not have caused a two decade long grudge? With my pd, my worst problem apart from my anxiety is my anger. I think thats how eventually I will CTB, it won't be suicidal ideation which leads to a plan and then an attempt that will do me in, it will be someone or something will make me so angry I will think I'll show the bastards F the world... etc etc and it will be a bit like the time I broke my hand and knuckles from punching a concrete wall but this time much more serious and I will leave this mortal coil like a giant F YOU to society in general.
JTG1972
Set on my path, just need the strength
- Oct 2, 2019
- 51
GinaIsReady
Exit Strategist
- Mar 29, 2019
- 995
And I believe it's why so many of us are so kind and empathic toward each other (another BPD trait).
Oooooooo ouch!! I'm so sorry!
GreyMonkey
Heartbroken
- Aug 20, 2019
- 277
This is the most desperate and discomforting aspect of this disorder for me and is creating a downward negative spiral now that I'm 38 and cannot hide from the possibility that there is no normal or decent future ahead of me.
No partner, no career, no kids, no money, no hobbies... I have friends yet when I'm in the depression the friendships are so hard to maintain that they slowly drift away and besides feel like an empty distraction when everything else is a mess.
I used to have lots of hope that someday I'd figure it out. That hope is shot to pieces now and all I can see is a lifelong struggle just to get by. Ugh. How can I live like that?
Fuck I don't really want to die but I just don't see any point to living like this.
A lot of my friends are into spirituality and self development and I watch them all grow yet it seems almost impossible to me to truly grow like that.
BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
Definitely includes fantasy, yes. Always the exception, the special one, the favourite.
I don't think I'm the exception though. I tend to wish (very much in vain though) to be cared for, though I know it's wishful thinking.
I identify a lot with Frankenstein's monster.
I identify a lot with Frankenstein's monster.
GinaIsReady
Exit Strategist
- Mar 29, 2019
- 995
BPD is a disorder that distorts one's perceptions. How the fuck am I supposed to navigate life and be okay with distorted perceptions? I'm going to be ctb'ing soon.
Whatever you choose, may you achieve peace. Best wishes..
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Im sure I have this-- ive read enough to see the critera. But I can never live the rest of my life like this so i am going to ctb.
BridgeJumper
The Arsonist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 1,194
Diagnosed BPD and bipolar, attempted 35 times in the last 10 years. Which I dont know if it means Im just an attention whore, a coward, or both. Either way, the mental pain is unbearable. Also, doctors who learn of my diagnosis treat me like shit.
Yeah, that's my shocking experience in Australia too. Being treated like shit for having a PD.
Pricelessadvice
Can't stay here
- Jul 30, 2019
- 24
Panicked, desperate clinging to relationships and then pushing them away. Then hating myself even more.
I haven't been formally diagnosed but yeah, I am bpd.
I haven't been formally diagnosed but yeah, I am bpd.
Who here struggles with the ambivalence between life and death?
I'm not attempting yet because I really can't afford to fail. I'd lose what little I have and live a painful existence. For now, I've friends who care - from a distance. They are mostly abroad. But once they experience the monster I am, I'll be all alone - that I know.
I don't trust people when they say they care. In the end, people tend to choose the easiest route and leave.. at least that's what I believe. I just survived my 31st birthday recently and it was easily the most miserable day - being hurt by people who pretended to care..
One quote in 'Shutter Island' spoke to me a lot - to live as a monster or to die as a good man. I often wondered if dying would liberate me from the pain, and the resentment I often find myself trapped in due to what my family put me through.
My occupational therapist was surprised years ago when I told her what happened at home, that they (my parents) don't even know what physical or mental health issues I have. What can I say...
And I've stopped believing and seeking services. They are a waste of time and money and healthcare in my country is not cheap..
I'm not attempting yet because I really can't afford to fail. I'd lose what little I have and live a painful existence. For now, I've friends who care - from a distance. They are mostly abroad. But once they experience the monster I am, I'll be all alone - that I know.
I don't trust people when they say they care. In the end, people tend to choose the easiest route and leave.. at least that's what I believe. I just survived my 31st birthday recently and it was easily the most miserable day - being hurt by people who pretended to care..
One quote in 'Shutter Island' spoke to me a lot - to live as a monster or to die as a good man. I often wondered if dying would liberate me from the pain, and the resentment I often find myself trapped in due to what my family put me through.
My occupational therapist was surprised years ago when I told her what happened at home, that they (my parents) don't even know what physical or mental health issues I have. What can I say...
And I've stopped believing and seeking services. They are a waste of time and money and healthcare in my country is not cheap..
GreyMonkey
Heartbroken
- Aug 20, 2019
- 277
Are there any positives to having Borderline Personality Disorder?
Anonymous answer: Absolutely, once you have it mostly under control. To give you context before I answer: I would now be considered to have “high functioning” BPD. I don’t have outbursts, tend to turn my anger inwards, and am very successful. I’ve done a lot of personal work with many years of t...
Check.
When healthy.
When unhealthy I'm a fucking mess.
AgonyOnMe
Member
- Oct 19, 2019
- 46
There's nothing positive from BPD. For instance, with a narcissist, they can live their life without worrying about other people's feelings. That can be a positive, albeit not healthy, trait. BPD however, makes such a mess of your life. If you don't have a "sense of self" (basically just an empty feeling) you have no anchor, nothing to build off of. You just feel like you're in limbo your entire life. Always waiting for that completion of yourself so you can move on with your life's goals.Are there any positives to having Borderline Personality Disorder?
Anonymous answer: Absolutely, once you have it mostly under control. To give you context before I answer: I would now be considered to have “high functioning” BPD. I don’t have outbursts, tend to turn my anger inwards, and am very successful. I’ve done a lot of personal work with many years of t...www.quora.com
Check.
When healthy.
When unhealthy I'm a fucking mess.
GreyMonkey
Heartbroken
- Aug 20, 2019
- 277
AgonyOnMe
Member
- Oct 19, 2019
- 46
Not hopeless - just unbearable :) It does get better with age. Somewhere in your 30s you manage to deal with it. You wake up one day and although I can't say you feel you've "found yourself" but you realize you've learned to cope. I can actually say I'm happy now. Yes, I know I'm here trying to off myself but it's not because I'm unhappy, it's because I have no reason to live. I've recently lost the only person I had to live for so for others I'm sure things continue to get better as they age.
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GreyMonkey
Heartbroken
- Aug 20, 2019
- 277
I'm 38. It just got the worst it's ever been. So bad that I realised that this is what I'm struggling with.
AgonyOnMe
Member
- Oct 19, 2019
- 46
GreyMonkey
Heartbroken
- Aug 20, 2019
- 277
An intenslely insecure relationship with someone I became utterly attached to.
A year of "I don't want you/don't see a future with you" "I want to be close to you/I want you in my life"
Every week being pushed away then pulled close.
Over and over and over. My inanity to let go. My mood completely reliant on her. When she is there I feel good. When she pushes me away I fall apart and end up on here.
And in the process lost contact with a lot of close friends, they got sick of me. Started failing my studies. Ruined a business. Lost heaps of weight. Started smoking.
Now I'm in a hole and just... so tired of it.
It literally just happened again. Last Tuesday we said goodbye we are going to take space and connect again sometime next year. The next day she calls me and says she doesn't want that. Then we have an incredibly intimate couple of days. Then she goes on a woman's retreat and some woman there says I was bitching about her. Which can't be true. I do have a problem with openly sharing my distress (in a futile hope to be soothed) yet I never would have spoken bad about her so it can't be true. I might have shared about my pain.
Anyway then I get a call. And get blocked on everything again. It's exhausting. I just don't know how to be ok when she is mad at me.
A year of "I don't want you/don't see a future with you" "I want to be close to you/I want you in my life"
Every week being pushed away then pulled close.
Over and over and over. My inanity to let go. My mood completely reliant on her. When she is there I feel good. When she pushes me away I fall apart and end up on here.
And in the process lost contact with a lot of close friends, they got sick of me. Started failing my studies. Ruined a business. Lost heaps of weight. Started smoking.
Now I'm in a hole and just... so tired of it.
It literally just happened again. Last Tuesday we said goodbye we are going to take space and connect again sometime next year. The next day she calls me and says she doesn't want that. Then we have an incredibly intimate couple of days. Then she goes on a woman's retreat and some woman there says I was bitching about her. Which can't be true. I do have a problem with openly sharing my distress (in a futile hope to be soothed) yet I never would have spoken bad about her so it can't be true. I might have shared about my pain.
Anyway then I get a call. And get blocked on everything again. It's exhausting. I just don't know how to be ok when she is mad at me.
