Venting BPD is torture.

[lotus.dead]

How does one even live with BPD? How does one even properly love someone with BPD? It's running my life so much. I've lost way too many friends and FPs and it's driving me so crazy I could barely breathe. Yesterday i accidentally got so aggressive i threw stuff at my friends and punched them in the jaw. I reached out for help crying, only to realise even the most caring person could barely even understand what I feel. Now im planning CTB this week by OD. I know it'll hurt my family so much, i know it'll financially burden them, but the pain i feel outweighs the guilt i'll have for them. I hope anyone who understands what i feel responds, i rlly need to know that I'm not alone.

 

[Navi]

you definitely aren't alone. bpd has a high remission rate but its not easy. everything being turned up to 11 definitely doesn't help. i suggest taking a nap or doing something to ground yourself before making that decision. if you still decide to go for it, i wish you the best and the peace you deserve.

 

[tomame]

bpd has ruined much of my life too.

it's so terrible .. but, if you learn about it and self reflect on many of the destructive tendencies you have .. it leaves you with less cons of bpd and more pros

we're truly amazing people when we aren't being destructive

i would suggest watching videos by sam vaknin on YT. the book i hate you don't leave me- take the power back in this terrible disorder we have

 

[lotus.dead]

bpd has ruined much of my life too.

it's so terrible .. but, if you learn about it and self reflect on many of the destructive tendencies you have .. it leaves you with less cons of bpd and more pros

we're truly amazing people when we aren't being destructive

here's what my ex said this morning..

"no we're done , u lack accountability , stop trying to blame it on ur mental health , and yes , fix ur self first , its not u cant be fix , u dont want to be fix."

It hurt me so much because of course I'm trying my hardest to better myself. but its just so hard. I didnt mean to drain him so much. It feels like this disorder is preventing me from forming any relationship whatsoever. Even my close friends leave because they were uncomfortable with me being so self destructive. I'm damn sure death would solve everything.

i suggest taking a nap or doing something to ground yourself before making that decision.

The scariest part about taking a nap is waking up again and remembering whats breaking you in life. Realizing you're all alone, back in the reality you want to escape so bad.

 

[kunikuzushi]

you're not alone. i understand what you feel. i can't be loved. I'm not meant for this life. everything hurts me so much. i lose control of myself and throw things and scream at people i don't want to lose. which makes them leave me. i feel so alone knowing the people in my life can never understand this pain. and i know what you mean, the pain outweighs the guilt of leaving people. i thought that today. i was supposed to ctb tonight.

anyway i just wanted to reply so you know someone else feels similar pain. i really wish you can find peace.

 

[lotus.dead]

thank you so much for ur reply, i feel so comforted. all the best on ctb, i rlly hope u find peace..

 

[RedFruit]

I feel the same way. My BPD has pushed me to be a person I thought I'd never be. I slapped my ex in an argument when I was splitting the other week and it's over. He doesn't want to come back plus his dad is dying so he's not in the mental space to deal with me. Just sucks all around.

 

[lotus.dead]

I feel the same way. My BPD has pushed me to be a person I thought I'd never be. I slapped my ex in an argument when I was splitting the other week and it's over. He doesn't want to come back plus his dad is dying so he's not in the mental space to deal with me. Just sucks all around.

i feel so sorry for you.. its like someone else is taking control of us, leading us to do damaging things, but then we're the ones who suffer the consequences. I just want to go to heaven already. No more of this, please..