Venting bpd and everyone else

[Life_and_Death]

(internal thoughts/feelings)
i dont want to fix things anymore. fixing things is just me "pointing out your flaws", and im getting so tired of it. everything upsets me, give up and stop trying to avoid it. youre going to drive yourself just as crazy as me if you try. "dont do that its upsetting. dont do that its upsetting. dont do that its upsetting". not only is it not helping, its making things worse. but theres nothing i can do because theyre legit. you cant just tell me to ignore my abuse triggers. and ok granted not "just me pointing it out" obviously theres me slowly getting use to/desensitizing over time, but thats over time and in the mean time i feel like shit. and yeah, me hating myself is really really helpful.
(more so ranting after this point, not as much to do with the title, just me in general)
i need my medication. it silences my thoughts. but i dont want it. i was looking at it? at least thinking about it the other day. and i dont want to be "wrong", taking it would mean i am. its helpful though. it makes things manageable. its the same idea as an advil for my headache, or my medication for my lactose intolerance. its just something to help, but i dont want it.
and ive been having uncomfortable intrusive thoughts. not that thats anything new but not typically when im sleeping. which personally feels more real (probably because im less connected to my body, as if dissociation on its own wasnt bad enough).
and eating...i dont want to eat. ive barely eaten. i dont think ive had anymore than 2 of those small bags of gummies (like welchs but a different brand). im expected to eat today though, im sure ill get through it with a bite here and there with a bunch of "no, im fine"s mixed in.
(kind of goes back into the title)
i left the group with my SO and nobiobigbro, then woke up to a message from SO.... just go away. im feeling horrible and hating everything. i dont feel loved and i know its my fault because thats what bpd does. its like that abusive bf that hides you in the closet feeding you bullshit and your only choice is to believe it because thats all you know. i just want to kms. i just want this to stop. killing myself, just feels right.

 

[Life_and_Death]

and eating...i dont want to eat. ive barely eaten. i dont think ive had anymore than 2 of those small bags of gummies (like welchs but a different brand). im expected to eat today though, im sure ill get through it with a bite here and there with a bunch of "no, im fine"s mixed in.

at this point i just want to keep losing weight....i know 1lb basically means nothing but the marker was just below the 110lbs line.. thinking about going back up to 125, even 115...im not interested. feeling hunger is like food rejection at this point "im hungry, dont eat". i wish there was a way for me to continue without my sickness getting worse.