Biggest reason for CTB

[selfhater]

having a body

 

[Nem]

A-hole dr nearly killed me with shitty meds, suffered severe damage...almost killed me and j almost killed the dr
Peace/hugs

 

[LLawliet]

This might not seem enough reason to want to ctb, but it's enough for me
It seems like most of my friends are fake, superficial, or just don't care about me. I was texting my friend in the middle of a really bad depressive episode, and they texted me at first, but after a while, they just ignored me and left me on read. I'm in a good relationship but none of my friends think he's good for me or they don't like him. It seems like only 4 people would actually care if I live or die. And even they have better friends than me. I try and be friends with everyone but it's just not real. My emotions feel shallow, it like a song without bass. It's not like they're hollow, but just on the surface. Superficial and shallow and like an imprint. Almost like it's a memory of emotions I've felt before. Pain doesn't work, and people don't help. Ctb just feels like the only way out.
Other times, though, it seems like I should ctb because I'm only making this horrible planet worse. I'm only dragging people down and making life harder for the people I love. Ctb would be permanent for me, but temporary pain and managing for everyone else.

 

[Marchioness]

I told my therapist I was sick of the rollercoaster and I wanted to be better permanently. I can go from world explorer, achieving awards and winning hearts to good causes to depressed, shut-in with slight narcolepsy and binge eating problems within a few months without proper meds and properly timed (affordable) therapy sessions.

 

[metapod]

too many bad things happening in my life, im just so tired of living i can't do it anymore. i only have one reason to stay alive, so once that's gone, it's my time to go by my own hand. no one will take anything more from me.

 

[Viola]

Because I don't work as a person, I'm flawed and broken.

 

[alexK]

Past mistakes, Poor decisions, trauma, abuse, oppression, depression/anxiety that I have to suffer untreated.. and the list goes on

 

[Cashewmilk]

I do have some mental illnesses and I am usually very misunderstood, but these are not really the reasons I want to ctb. My real reasons for wanting to die come from my knowledge of philosophy that has led me to learning a lot of things that can be hated about this life, such as:
1. We're all born without our consent, which is essentialy a cruel violation of our rights. We never have a say on the matter.
2. Suffering exists because of sentient life, and the two cannot be separated. There's no such thing as a life completely devoid of suffering.
3. The default of life is pain and desire. Happiness and getting what you want may or may not happen, but pain always does.
4. Humans are too corrupted and naturally unfit for living in total harmony. We will never see an utopia.
5. There's no such a thing as free will. All events that happen are predetermined by previous events that were predetermined by previous events and so it goes until the birth of the universe, which could very well be predetermined by a past event.
6. Humans have much more knowledge that we, flawed animals, can handle, and that leads to either suffering or denial. No good options for us.
7. Human nature makes us unable to act morally all the time, and if we don't, that causes suffering to others.
8. Everything we do is in the end meaningless and foolish as life has no meaning and everyone dies.
9. Living eternally is also pointless, as you will eventually have to suffer or enter in a state of denial to be able to keep going.
10. Keep living < Ceasing to exist by your own choice (killing a person would be other cruel violation of consent) < Never existing at all.
I could go on for a while listing other reasons why I don't think life is really worth the effort, but I suppose you guys get the idea. To think that my thirst for knowledge and love of philosophy would lead me to wanting to kill myself... I now understand why people love living in denial. The truth can literally kill someone. I don't regret learning all of this, though. I think this is the reason we don't find intelligent life anywhere else than on Earth. They all evolved to the point of learning that life sucks and destroyed themselves and their civilizations.

This. Pretty much sums it up. Yes my life has been a complete nightmare, I always wanted to CTB, officially since aged 12. Tried to at 14 and made a big fuss everyone got involved, it's been well known by everyone who knows me that I have severe debilitating disabling depression and bipolar. Been self medicating mostly with illegal drugs, never finished school, never got my license, barely kept a job, the only thing that has been constant in my life is my art. I've always loved art, but nobody cared, everyone just wanted me to be a productive person that could make money. It was always money money money, money has always been a problem. Maybe that's why I became a prostitute, and I feel like that's probably my only lifeline, like if I ever ended up homeless and had no way to CTB or something. But yeah, I've been a heroin addicted prostitute for the past 10 years. I've tried to CTB so many times I've lost count. My compression hanging method failed me so many times, my overdose of lethal opioids failed, I've been to scared to jump off high rises, my body just does not want to die. I feel lost now, I remember people used to get N from A back in like 2014-15, and I see that has still been happening, I was making a plan to go back into prostitution part time (with 1 client) so I could save up money for N, but it looks like that idea might be shot to hell now. So now I'm going to look into SN, I have NO idea about anything about it yet, except from seeing it mentioned on here, and in an e-mail from a pro-choice supporter who was trying to help (that is how I found this site by googling SN). So now I'll be doing some research about that. I have no money at all, I'm on welfare disability but all my money is gone the moment I receive it to bills. I am living with my mom and my sister who are incredibly emotionally abusive towards me, I get bullied and attacked at least once a day, and they gaslight like they invented gas lighting, it's like talking to a brick wall, no getting through. No point, there is no hope there. Basically I have nobody at all to talk to so I am glad I can join support groups online (they're not helpful though everyone thinks I'm absolutely insane and that my life is so bad I should leave, lol too bad I can't, but leaving the planet is a good idea), I only have my mom to support me by giving me a place to live (I've never left home to be honest I'm still here), and food sometimes to eat, and money sometimes for groceries and smokes. At least I can give her that much credit that she's a good mom, even though she picks on me and attacks me everyday. Anyways, I'm glad to have found this place, I was sad when I saw that the google groups was gone, and I've never seen a place like this on the internet ever, maybe I have but back then I was just about wanting to CTB and not talking about anything....but now I have so many thoughts, opinions, questions, I was hoping to find a website like this.

Because I don't work as a person, I'm flawed and broken.

That perfectly sums it up for me, in such a efficient eloquent way!