Biggest reason for CTB

[neilo99]

I look back at my life I have spent my life letting epilepsy and depression rule my life however much I try. I stop the epilepsy the depression/psychosis returns and visa versa. My brain and body are just tired of trying, I've given it 30 years.

 

[sammii]

I'm curious to see what is everyone's biggest reason for considering CTB as the only way out. Is it mental illness? Abuse? Trauma? Being misunderstood? Being LGBTQ, etc? Lack of connection? Lack of purpose? Lack of meaning? A little of everything Or nearly everything? I'm genuinely interested to hear what each of you has to say. This is my new home now.
My biggest reason and what every other reason stems from is mental illness and the fact that neurotypicals have literally no idea what it is like. I think most mental illness is a life long battle that can never truely be overcome, especially for me. (I'll save my personal testimony for when the Time is right. I don't want sympathy, but compassion and understanding) Thank you for your time.

Being LGBTQ+ doesn't affect my life in any way, I'm lucky enough to have family who don't care who I'm attracted to. It's never been a big deal for me personally.

I think for me it's mostly mental illness and the fact that I'm just really terrible at being alive, I don't enjoy it at all. I'm exhausted all the time, socialising is so stressful so I spend most of my time in my room, I've barely left the house in 3 years because I have panic attacks when I get overwhelmed, I can't hold down a job, I get migraines all the time and I'm pretty sure I stress my family out constantly.

Neurotypical people don't bother me too much some of them are alright

 

[passenger27]

Unlucky in life. Some people are dealt a royal flush, I didn't even get a pair of deuces. Lots of mental illnesses, agoraphobia most of all. It's like house arrest and it's not living, it's existing.

 

[tehdisturbedone]

Everyday sucks no matter what is going on, I could be literally having sex and I will think or feel like I'd rather be dead. Talk about a buzzkill that you can't tell to fuck off. I also can't stand myself so I find myself incompatible with anyone else. I also feel like I've wasted and drained my parents of thousands of dollars on an education that I will most likely never live to see myself reach my goals or that I will get ther and still not feel accomplished. I'm not sure I understand what love is as I'm not sure I really experienced that from anyone. Ultimately, I am my worst enemy so I have no other reason than that to annihilate what does me no good even if that is me. Suicidal Ideation doesn't make sense, it's not supposed to ever, it's literally against or biologically programming.

 

[Final Escape]

It began with childhood abuse and neglect, and the maladjustment from it basically destroyed my life. Of course it's also the toxic society we now live in worsened my outcome than it might have been otherwise. Every aspect of the system we now live under is flawed. They discourage intact families with the two biological parents, encouraging putting children's best interests ahead of parents is what we should have, they removed established science out of academia so now lies are pushed in higher education instead of the truth. It's really hard to not want to ctb knowing that there are evil people who are wanting to see an upside down world where backwards ideas and moral depravity is now seen as good. Sorry to be so depressing lol!

 

[woxihuanni]

Not having a home. Home is not four walls.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Not having a home. Home is not four walls.

I've always said I feel like a homeless person inside my own family house. Completely displaced and just forced to survive.

 

[woxihuanni]

I've always said I feel like a homeless person inside my own family house. Completely displaced and just forced to survive.

I've always been homeless. Then, more than a year ago, somebody said I'd never be homeless again. They made promise. They don't seem to understand or care that this promise will be kept one way or another. I will no longer have makeshift survival. It is my dead body that will leave. A cute smurf.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I've always been homeless. Then, more than a year ago, somebody said I'd never be homeless again. They made promise. They don't seem to understand or care that this promise will be kept one way or another. I will no longer have makeshift survival. It is my dead body that will leave. A cute smurf.

Do you mean homeless literally or figuratively?

 

[woxihuanni]

Do you mean homeless literally or figuratively?

Always figuratively, sometimes literally, most of the time with imminent threat of literally.

 

[trynacbt]

A stubborn lack of self-love, apparent inability to change or grow, incapacity to be a responsible/independent adult.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

A friend outed me as Trans and it destroyed my life. I was suicidal long before that, but Coming out against my will took everything i had left and the last 3 years have been an incredible hell of Mental illness. The last thing i had to live for was my daughter. And my ex is trying her damnedest to make sure i never see her again, using my mental illness as an rational. So IDK if its loss, or being trans. but both are shit.

 

[WhiteDespair]

The question as to whether or not life, and the effort required therein, is actually worth it.

 

[Mort]

Constant pain mental as well as physical the physical pain down to bad arthritis im all my joints. The mental pain down to me realising that i wasted my life prity much flushed my life down the toilet . Let others get the best of me as all i wanted to be friends so let them treat me like crap. By the time i work out was going on to late damaged was done. Mind you help a little in later life not trusting any one save me from a load more crap. Can't wait for the end to come just wish i was not so chicken shit scared of dieing one day my head will get it then it will be night night for . All the best folks see you on the other side sum day :D

 

[Nem]

Dr nearly killed me with dangerous advice and meds along with a sociopath ex...seems reason enough
Peace/hugs

 

[Lokd26]

For me, it's because I lost a son and my wife... now my life feels meaningless and empty. What's the point of going on for me now? I'd do anything to bring them back, but obviously that's not possible. But I can join them. That's why I choose to ctb

 

[FailedWoman]

I've been thinking about this a lot and it's hard to pick a single reason. But weirdly enough, being trans isn't it. It's more how I dealt with it.
I made all the wrong choices and I fucked up at every step, and I ended up paying a steep price for it. A debt that can never be repaid, if you will.
And lately my chronic pain has been getting worse and worse. It's pushing me over the edge.

 

[Mr2005]

I think I'll just write it on my status screen so when anyone asks I can just guide them too it

 

[BlueWidow]

Where to begin?

My screwed up family and screwed up childhood made me tired of being alive by the time I was 12. I had already been through so much by that point that I felt like I was 80 years old. The only people in my family who loved me and treated me decently, my mother and my sister, were both dead by the time I was 13. I was then left alone with a family that hated me and I ended up being made a ward of the state. I was in and out of the psych ward, treatment centers, foster homes, and basically passed around like an unwanted package from the ages of 13 to 18.
In my 20s, I attempted to get some kind of help for my severe depression and psychotic episodes on my own, but all they would give me were SSRIs which don't do anything for me. I've also done various kinds of therapy to no avail. I spent years trying and trying to find some way to improve my depression and other mental issues, but nothing ever worked.
Then I finally met a wonderful man who made me feel like a queen. It took me several years to allow myself to trust him because of all the things I'd been through before I met him, but I finally let my guard down. We eventually got married and we had 26 wonderful years together. I knew him for more than half of my life. Then in December 2012, he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. I spent 5 years watching him go through chemo, a bone marrow transplant, and many other terrible procedures while he was trying to fight the cancer. After some very horrific things happened in the summer of 2017, he was forced into hospice against his will by his doctors and he finally passed away that October.
I started losing everything that I gained from having him in my life almost from the moment that he passed away. I ended up losing my home, my car, my security, my happiness, and my reason to live. I've been going through pure hell since he passed away. Even though it's been 2 years now, the pain is no less than it was the night he died. I can't even escape when I'm asleep because I constantly have dreams about various things that were done to him in the last days of his life by various medical professionals and later by hospice. Now everyone that I loved and everyone that loved me is pretty much dead. Although I have some money, it's not enough to last me for what would probably be the rest of a natural life, and there is no way that I can get a regular 9-to-5 job. I have severe hypothyroidism which doesn't get better, no matter how much they raise my medicine. I've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome which I don't believe has any cure. I'm constantly exhausted, dizzy, and unable to concentrate or think straight. I spend my days in my bedroom going from sitting in my chair to lying in my bed. I have severe agoraphobia and I'm afraid to leave my house most of the time. I can just see that I'm going to get older and older and sicker and sicker and I'd rather ctb before I get too sick to be able to take care of it myself.
And lastly, I can't face the torture of another Christmas season, another Wedding Anniversary, or another New Year's Eve without my husband. I long for peace, quiet, and serenity. That's what I expect to get when I ctb.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Very miserable childhood & the knock on effect that has had, education fukd up-when I feel like I had the capacity & ability to do well, constant financial woes, lack of purpose, frustrated and unrealised potential, a very active mind that I have never had the opportunity to channel into an engaging and meaningful pursuit/ career-due to just having to struggle& survive all the time-in soul destroying, low pay jobs and then finding myself in a gas lighting, character destroying relationship - at a time when i really needed someone a little kind/ caring, encouraging & respectful in my life for once- that tipped me over the edge- and bought back alot of childhood trauma-just when I felt a little happier & stronger for the first time in my life. Now I have acute anhedonia- my once- lively, passionate, bright, kind, warm-hearted and hopeful-soul, mind & spirit feels utterly shattered & depleted- In my head I feel like im in my own version of hell-is the only way I can describe it-literally like a living nightmare.

 

[hopelessandbroken]

loneliness and depression.

 

[Enabran255]

My biggest reason is never having experienced romantic companionship. I came extremely close one time and it got sabotaged at the last second. Now I'm too old and too far behind to have a prayer of obtaining it.

 

[c824767]

I need to be dead before I get old and poor.

 

[freefrommybody]

The main reason might be considered quite shallow, but it's because I extremely despise my physical appearance. I think that it's a grotesque curse, and one scary thing is that it could be somewhat worse.

Secondarily, I don't care about what life has to offer, and I don't think I have much of anything to look forward to, no matter what path I take. I think my life is pointless, and to add injury to insult, it's a big pain too. I'm tired of struggling not to be worthless, and to keep myself from being depressed. I'm an unwieldy sad-sack who almost always messes something up anyway. It's so much easier to give up. I only feel guilty because of my family and pets, and admittedly, afraid of death because of how hard it is for me to comprehend.

But still, the bottom line is that if it weren't for the way I look, I wouldn't be planning my suicide.

 

[eSpJon]

social isolation which causes mental health to deteriorate and affects every other aspect of life (mastering a skill, relationships, career, love life)

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Still suffering from the consequences from a mistake I made when I was fricking 11 regarding friendships.
Being haunted by my past wherever I go.
Missing out on teenage years because of depression, social anxiety and pure stubborn stupidity.
Not being able to focus in uni bevause of the above.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Most importantly my physical health, which has wrecked havoc on my mental health.
My entire past up to this point has been a void that has only been filled with chronic disappointment and unnecessary suffering. I'm already a little under half of my life lived and it gets worse with age anyway.
My GPA has taken a nosedive since I became suicidal so I'm not going to be able to graduate anyway despite years of work towards my degree
I don't wish to contribute to society, and I dreaded having to pay taxes into a system that I loathed when I graduated.

 

[Sweet emotion]

For the past 14 years since I was 20 I have Complex regional pain syndrome. I've lost my life to it. I haven't lived. I've just been existing. There is no hope for me.

 

[MissNietzsche]

I wrote this somewhere else too, so I'll just copy/paste it: "There is no objective meaning to life. Also, subjectively, I'm fat and ugly, and I'm tired of living with my eating disorder. And I'm incredibly lonely and have no one to connect to or talk to on a daily basis."

 

[Soraa]

I really really hate myself. Simple as that