Brokensoulwalking
Member
- Mar 14, 2023
- 45
Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've been on here. In all honesty I've missed the place but I made a promise to someone i would give life a chance after last year when I made an attempt on my life. I was also embarrassed as my attempt failed and it makes me feel like I'm doing this for attention.
Probably a lot of rambling incoming sorry if you subject yourself to my pity party.
Unfortunately, things have fallen back into his they were. I started self harming again worse than before, I look in the mirror and say "I fucking hate you" and run a sharp knife across my chest or wrists.
I broke my soberierity last night for the first time in nearly 2 years clean, and I took a cocktail of whatever pills I had in my cupboard hoping it would knock me unconscious in the bath tub and I wouldn't wake up.
As a man I don't really know how to describe how I feel. I guess I'm not a man, I was raped several times as a child and I don't think I have any qualities a man could do. Everyone I've dated recently has told me what a bad person I am when it's ended and I believe them.
I am a terrible human being, only because the things I've witnessed have made me numb to everything. Violence is natural to me, I see it I don't bat an eyelid. If I hurt someone I don't care.
I can't describe what it is to feel cold other than I just feel nothing other than what I can touch and sadness.
I often ask myself did I deserve what happened to me. And in my mind I say yes I did, I must have done or will do something in my life to deserve this, karma is a debt we all have to pay.
I don't want to go into depth what happened to me, maybe when it gets closer to my day I will write everything down and put it in here.
My biggest regret is leaving my cat behind. She like me never had anyone love her when she was young, and I spent two years giving her the love she needed to feel safe and secure. Now she loves being around me but won't go near anyone else. If I could speak to her I would tell her how sorry I am, and I hope one of my friends can take her and give her the same love she deserves.
But I turn 32 in August. I planned a trip with my family half with my family and half with the girl I was seeing, I will spend the half with my family I will then travel to Lisbon and I will end my life there.
I have two options there. There is a bridge there which is high enough to jump from I just need to be quick so the police don't stop me.
Or I can go by my preferred method. Late at night when the city sleeps, I will get so drunk and high that I can't function and "fall" into the water by the docks. There is no way of getting back up and it will be too quiet for anyone to notice me. I will slowly drown and be at peace.
If you took the time to read this thank you. I will start to write my shitty life down and I will share it closer to the time.
Probably a lot of rambling incoming sorry if you subject yourself to my pity party.
Unfortunately, things have fallen back into his they were. I started self harming again worse than before, I look in the mirror and say "I fucking hate you" and run a sharp knife across my chest or wrists.
I broke my soberierity last night for the first time in nearly 2 years clean, and I took a cocktail of whatever pills I had in my cupboard hoping it would knock me unconscious in the bath tub and I wouldn't wake up.
As a man I don't really know how to describe how I feel. I guess I'm not a man, I was raped several times as a child and I don't think I have any qualities a man could do. Everyone I've dated recently has told me what a bad person I am when it's ended and I believe them.
I am a terrible human being, only because the things I've witnessed have made me numb to everything. Violence is natural to me, I see it I don't bat an eyelid. If I hurt someone I don't care.
I can't describe what it is to feel cold other than I just feel nothing other than what I can touch and sadness.
I often ask myself did I deserve what happened to me. And in my mind I say yes I did, I must have done or will do something in my life to deserve this, karma is a debt we all have to pay.
I don't want to go into depth what happened to me, maybe when it gets closer to my day I will write everything down and put it in here.
My biggest regret is leaving my cat behind. She like me never had anyone love her when she was young, and I spent two years giving her the love she needed to feel safe and secure. Now she loves being around me but won't go near anyone else. If I could speak to her I would tell her how sorry I am, and I hope one of my friends can take her and give her the same love she deserves.
But I turn 32 in August. I planned a trip with my family half with my family and half with the girl I was seeing, I will spend the half with my family I will then travel to Lisbon and I will end my life there.
I have two options there. There is a bridge there which is high enough to jump from I just need to be quick so the police don't stop me.
Or I can go by my preferred method. Late at night when the city sleeps, I will get so drunk and high that I can't function and "fall" into the water by the docks. There is no way of getting back up and it will be too quiet for anyone to notice me. I will slowly drown and be at peace.
If you took the time to read this thank you. I will start to write my shitty life down and I will share it closer to the time.
