Yesterday I got diagnosed with ptsd, pdd and social anxiety. recommedned for an autism diagnosis. all things i thought i had already. but its really just confirming everything for me. i cant ignore it anymore. its also feeling just horrible that with pdd it kinda means im like this forever. and ptsd isnt short term either. I know why I have always been sad now i guess. I am struggling with the diagnosis to be honest. I feel validated but also doomed.
I quit my job recently, i couldnt handle the way my coworker was treating me. he treated me like a child and an idiot. he made me feel so small at a place id worked at longer than him. its his now. I started being attratced to someone again, no idea if it'll last. i made progress last time, after years of not being able to think about my own feelings I thought about asking someone out. I ended up bailing but maybe this time I wont self sabotage. Ive given 3 years to my ex, i really want to be able to stop now.
i struggle with ownership. i feel like i belong to other people. i feel i am never enough. maybe thats why i couldnt work with my ex coworker. he told me i wasnt enough and i already thought that. i am so upset that after over a year of working for them i had to give it all up. ive already given so much. i realise now that my coworker was triggering my ptsd and i was dissociating hardcore and couldnt communicate or do my job effectively so then i believed that i couldnt do my job ever. i dream of telling him this. i dream of going up to him and telling him how small he made me feel. how useless and naive. but that it was lies and i was hurt and he took advantage of that.
he used to be nicer to me when hed notice id get quiet. or if i was snappy or rude to him. hed treat me better. maybe he didnt mean to hurt me but he did. and i shouldnt have to go into a state of crisis for him to not treat me badly.
yeah. a lots changed. i used to be obsessed with work. i still hate not working. i feel useless without it. but i cant handle working right now.
I quit my job recently, i couldnt handle the way my coworker was treating me. he treated me like a child and an idiot. he made me feel so small at a place id worked at longer than him. its his now. I started being attratced to someone again, no idea if it'll last. i made progress last time, after years of not being able to think about my own feelings I thought about asking someone out. I ended up bailing but maybe this time I wont self sabotage. Ive given 3 years to my ex, i really want to be able to stop now.
i struggle with ownership. i feel like i belong to other people. i feel i am never enough. maybe thats why i couldnt work with my ex coworker. he told me i wasnt enough and i already thought that. i am so upset that after over a year of working for them i had to give it all up. ive already given so much. i realise now that my coworker was triggering my ptsd and i was dissociating hardcore and couldnt communicate or do my job effectively so then i believed that i couldnt do my job ever. i dream of telling him this. i dream of going up to him and telling him how small he made me feel. how useless and naive. but that it was lies and i was hurt and he took advantage of that.
he used to be nicer to me when hed notice id get quiet. or if i was snappy or rude to him. hed treat me better. maybe he didnt mean to hurt me but he did. and i shouldnt have to go into a state of crisis for him to not treat me badly.
yeah. a lots changed. i used to be obsessed with work. i still hate not working. i feel useless without it. but i cant handle working right now.
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