mercutiomartis
Member
- Sep 1, 2024
- 32
I was seriously considering ctb over the summer and then I spent some time in my home country and since I didn't have good internet access it kind of forced me to get out of my hole and do things like go to the market or other similar things, and it got my mind off of the ideation for a while, enough to roll over to when I returned home. I felt a bit better for a few months, I wasn't really thinking about suicide but I wasn't thinking about getting my life together either. I was kind of stuck in this weird limbo where I kind of just took everything day by day. I was even considering getting a job and putting myself back out there just to have something to do.
I started to feel the suicidal ideation creep back up a few weeks ago. I welcomed it but didn't well because I thought maybe I was just seeing the beginning of another depressive episode and I'd be able to distract myself enough to combat it. But the last few days have been pretty rough. I feel like the reality of what my life has become is starting to come back up again.
I live with my parents because I'm too mentally ill to live on my own, and while I appreciate them allowing to live with them I always think about how much better things were when I was living by myself. I had friends that would come over almost daily, I had a good routine, my own space that I decorated to feel cozy and inviting, things like that. Then I had a severe psychotic episode and I had to let go of all that to come home. Now I'm a fat slob with no friends and a room that doubles as my parent's closet, so I can't really personalize it. I don't feel capable of leaving the house or making friends. I don't think I have the mental capacity to get a job. I think about my ex constantly and it makes me feel absolutely pathetic because last I heard they got their life together and they're doing great (which I'm happy about but I haven't moved an inch from where they left me).
I'm back here again because I want to confront the fact that I'm still considering suicide and I need to tell someone about it or I'm going to explode. I feel like absolute garbage, I hate the life that I've created for myself, I hate that I have such a debilitating mental disability that I'm too embarrassed to talk about in real life. I hate that I have to cry silently in my room because if my parents find out then they'll lock me up in a ward again. I miss my ex so much and I hate that I can't get over them. I miss my friends that I had before I had to move back to this hell hole. I miss the person I used to be before I had psychosis. I miss feeling things aside from indifference and pain.
I started to feel the suicidal ideation creep back up a few weeks ago. I welcomed it but didn't well because I thought maybe I was just seeing the beginning of another depressive episode and I'd be able to distract myself enough to combat it. But the last few days have been pretty rough. I feel like the reality of what my life has become is starting to come back up again.
I live with my parents because I'm too mentally ill to live on my own, and while I appreciate them allowing to live with them I always think about how much better things were when I was living by myself. I had friends that would come over almost daily, I had a good routine, my own space that I decorated to feel cozy and inviting, things like that. Then I had a severe psychotic episode and I had to let go of all that to come home. Now I'm a fat slob with no friends and a room that doubles as my parent's closet, so I can't really personalize it. I don't feel capable of leaving the house or making friends. I don't think I have the mental capacity to get a job. I think about my ex constantly and it makes me feel absolutely pathetic because last I heard they got their life together and they're doing great (which I'm happy about but I haven't moved an inch from where they left me).
I'm back here again because I want to confront the fact that I'm still considering suicide and I need to tell someone about it or I'm going to explode. I feel like absolute garbage, I hate the life that I've created for myself, I hate that I have such a debilitating mental disability that I'm too embarrassed to talk about in real life. I hate that I have to cry silently in my room because if my parents find out then they'll lock me up in a ward again. I miss my ex so much and I hate that I can't get over them. I miss my friends that I had before I had to move back to this hell hole. I miss the person I used to be before I had psychosis. I miss feeling things aside from indifference and pain.
