At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[saddestbunny]

probably since I was 12-14, don't fully remember now but remember wishing to die all thru high school

 

[venin]

probably since I was 12-14, don't fully remember now but remember wishing to die all thru high school

I'm sorry for you… high-school was hell for me too…

 

[I_want_to_sleep]

I started having intense thoughts of CTBing at 4 years old. I think it's mostly to do with my upbringing and the thought patterns it made me develop.

 

[venin]

I started having intense thoughts of CTBing at 4 years old. I think it's mostly to do with my upbringing and the thought patterns it made me develop.

Can you give me some details please? If it's ok with you ofc

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

6 year old, isolation , dysfunctional family, sexual abuse

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I think abortions really messed me up. That's what really triggered off my desire to die. If u think about it, abortion is like suicide of your future, ending of your people. I didn't think about it this way then though. I was aborting because I was from poverty, dysfunction, and abuse as a child and felt unable to cope with life. The institutions failed me, my parents failed me, and I felt as if I had no decent future, my kids probably won't either in communist hellhole USA. I didn't at that time understand about God and was not a believer.

 

[ko1toz]

It started when I was around 9-10, I grew up in a tough home but an even worse internet space which introduced me to self-harm, suicide etc. I'd been petrified of dying from a young age, but it began to seem more and more ideal. At first, I honestly wanted to survive an attempt just so people would finally realize I was suffering, though the idea of not surviving was also appealing. It's developed as I've grown and now the idea of surviving an attempt horrifies me!

 

[vanadium23]

I first thought about suicide around 10; nothing super horrible happened, I just considered my life experiences so far to be negative on net.

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

I was 11 years old, it was 1996, I wrote a suicide poem (it rhymed every second verse and all), and wrote for poetry lesson in English class, called "suicide, I'm not alive" or "suicide I'm dead inside" (I think I wrote two poems one with each title actually, but it was a long time ago now and mum never let me have the poem back) and clearly the teacher did not focus on the rhyming abilities I had, but rather decided this needed looking into, and called my mother to school as well as got the school principal involved, and my mother acted all nice in front of them, acting confused and surprised, and I think I heard her mention some derogatory rubbish about my dad (I realise now it was rubbish), and then as soon as we got near the car and were outside of hearing range of anyone else, she started getting angry at me that I was disrespecting her for writing that!

With the benefit of hindsight, I should have called the poem "Would someone please waterboard my child abusing sadistic mother" or "Someone throw my child abuser of a mother on the breaking wheel!" but I didn't have the foresight clearly.

They never even graded my poem!
Apparently, the teacher cried reading it as she was going through a divorce or something at the time.
My poem was along the lines of I would kill myself but I am dead inside already anyway.
I did not realise that this was not normal to feel this way at that age, and they did not let me read it as each kid was supposed to read their poem in front of the class, mine got omitted from that whole requirement.

I decided to convince myself not to end my life and just to reserve my right to do it later at any point, but to see what happens as I said to myself that I was only 11 and not an adult yet, and that I want to see what videogames and new PC hardware comes out in the coming year(s), that is how 11 year old me convinced myself to hold back on ending my life lol

And yeah, I am on this forum as I recently went through my past, found lots of odd behavior I do not recall, sent emails and such, and then realised I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and it was caused by childhood abuse from my mother who also has the same NPD condition (though I am aware of it now and she isn't. and I can't even begin to describe the messed up emotions I am feeling about my life, from childhood abuse from my own mum, to the NPD I never knew I had creating false narratives in my past where I thought all my breakups and the divorce I had was all the fault of my ex-girlfriends/ex-wife, but now I see it was all me pushing them away and creating false narratives subconsciously.
It is as if I am waking up from a nightmare, all caused by being born to a mother who made me suffer in childhood because she wanted to emotionally cannibalise me, her own son, since I was born!
Now if that isn't messed up, I don't know what is... plus the guilt I feel for all the hurt I caused those women I was with, even if I was not aware at the time... what an existential mess that I didn't deserve!
At least if I was sexually abused then I would have worked out that this was clearly wrong by the time I was 12 and we had sexual education class, but with psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, there really isn't a way to know as a child that this isn't how a mother/father is supposed to treat their child, kids didn't compare notes on what good parenting is after all, and it was never covered in school in any class.

 

[venin]

I was 11 years old, it was 1996, I wrote a suicide poem (it rhymed every second verse and all), and wrote for poetry lesson in English class, called "suicide, I'm not alive" or "suicide I'm dead inside" (I think I wrote two poems one with each title actually, but it was a long time ago now and mum never let me have the poem back) and clearly the teacher did not focus on the rhyming abilities I had, but rather decided this needed looking into, and called my mother to school as well as got the school principal involved, and my mother acted all nice in front of them, acting confused and surprised, and I think I heard her mention some derogatory rubbish about my dad (I realise now it was rubbish), and then as soon as we got near the car and were outside of hearing range of anyone else, she started getting angry at me that I was disrespecting her for writing that!

With the benefit of hindsight, I should have called the poem "Would someone please waterboard my child abusing sadistic mother" or "Someone throw my child abuser of a mother on the breaking wheel!" but I didn't have the foresight clearly.

They never even graded my poem!
Apparently, the teacher cried reading it as she was going through a divorce or something at the time.
My poem was along the lines of I would kill myself but I am dead inside already anyway.
I did not realise that this was not normal to feel this way at that age, and they did not let me read it as each kid was supposed to read their poem in front of the class, mine got omitted from that whole requirement.

I decided to convince myself not to end my life and just to reserve my right to do it later at any point, but to see what happens as I said to myself that I was only 11 and not an adult yet, and that I want to see what videogames and new PC hardware comes out in the coming year(s), that is how 11 year old me convinced myself to hold back on ending my life lol

And yeah, I am on this forum as I recently went through my past, found lots of odd behavior I do not recall, sent emails and such, and then realised I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and it was caused by childhood abuse from my mother who also has the same NPD condition (though I am aware of it now and she isn't. and I can't even begin to describe the messed up emotions I am feeling about my life, from childhood abuse from my own mum, to the NPD I never knew I had creating false narratives in my past where I thought all my breakups and the divorce I had was all the fault of my ex-girlfriends/ex-wife, but now I see it was all me pushing them away and creating false narratives subconsciously.
It is as if I am waking up from a nightmare, all caused by being born to a mother who made me suffer in childhood because she wanted to emotionally cannibalise me, her own son, since I was born!
Now if that isn't messed up, I don't know what is... plus the guilt I feel for all the hurt I caused those women I was with, even if I was not aware at the time... what an existential mess that I didn't deserve!
At least if I was sexually abused then I would have worked out that this was clearly wrong by the time I was 12 and we had sexual education class, but with psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, there really isn't a way to know as a child that this isn't how a mother/father is supposed to treat their child, kids didn't compare notes on what good parenting is after all, and it was never covered in school in any class.

I'm sorry it was that fucked up. I can relate to a lot of stuff you wrote…

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

I'm sorry it was that fucked up. I can relate to a lot of stuff you wrote…

Do you have a similar experience yourself?

It is totally fucked up and a half, I could have still been married and had a family by now, she was a good woman I married, but the NPD makes you push people away that are closest to you, and somehow tricks you into thinking they are to blame... like how the fuck does that even work? It makes me feel totally spun out and lost, like people get all affected when they find out their dad isn't their real dad or that they were adopted and such, but I am finding out that my whole past, the memories are there, but the narrative was totally fake and now I can rebuild the narrative using sent messages and emails and memories start coming back of what actually happened.... it's like some psychological thriller movie, like the Bourne Identity but... fuck...just fuck, like how the fuck can a therapist fix this... people say go to a therapist or psychiatrist (yeah and they just ask how I feel now and don't ask about my past, and then give me how many milligrams of whatever stupid SSRI or SNRI or SbloodySSSSSSSwhatever shit that doesn't work. Sorry, but no tablet, no drug will fix the fact that I have lived a nightmare as if I were a zombie and just woken up for nearly 40 years..

I am at mid-life and just realised my whole past was subconsciously sabotaged because my mother used me as her punching bag after giving birth to me, which meant a ruined childhood, then ruined teenage years, then NPD clearly kicked in once I lost my virginity at 20... and alcoholism which is a symptom of child abuse/NPD parenting abuse of a child, and hey nearly 40 and oh no, yeah you thought that went good? Just bad luck that those relationships and other stuff didn't work out, well sorry it was all your fault but you didn't realise you were self-sabotaging due to the anxious/avoidant attachment arising from your mother abusing you in your ruined childhood.

People say I need to seek therapy, but fuck me if therapy can help that, plus the guilt I hurt the women I pushed away, as well as the pain of losing the one I married and knowing she is with another man that she is still with and married to him now from 2012 until present after we divorced in 2011 (same year we got married), yeah feels great.

Maybe this is why those with NPD are never supposed to go digging down the deep dark rabbit hole of their past... it's like Bourne Identity/Matrix red pill taking shit that I can't handle as I am at middle age, I want the blue pill, I have changed my mind! Too late... just had to go down that rabbit hole didn't I...

BTW, if you research Erik Erikson's stage theory of psychosocial development then this basically messes up my whole chance at avoiding despair as I age as I am already at middle age and have nothing in my past to even cling onto as having been good now I have gotten myself out of NPD denial, plus the regret guilt and feeling like a victim of my own mother, as well as unknowingly at the time psychologically and emotionally abusing the women I have been in relationships with... I am essentially left with nothing good from my past, and I am nearly 40 years old, with suicidal history since age 11, so I mean, a shit ton of baggage and nothing to hang onto for any self-confidence and identity from my past, essentially I am fucked from here on as far as I see it. Yeah thanks for the abuse mum you Narcissistic cannibal. The only person that she loves is the hall of mirrors in her mind that reflects the false image of who she/her NPD makes her think she is (she thinks that she is a good mother), but last time I checked good mothers don't abuse their children. Oh and good mother's show their children empathy when they are sad and not scream at them or berate them for disrespecting them for being "insubordinate" as she would say.

 

[hellispink]

Age 11, my mother being cold and hurtful, plus severe bullyng no one was there, i realized this worlds horror and endless cruelty. Never was i the same after that

 

[venin]

Do you have a similar experience yourself?

It is totally fucked up and a half, I could have still been married and had a family by now, she was a good woman I married, but the NPD makes you push people away that are closest to you, and somehow tricks you into thinking they are to blame... like how the fuck does that even work? It makes me feel totally spun out and lost, like people get all affected when they find out their dad isn't their real dad or that they were adopted and such, but I am finding out that my whole past, the memories are there, but the narrative was totally fake and now I can rebuild the narrative using sent messages and emails and memories start coming back of what actually happened.... it's like some psychological thriller movie, like the Bourne Identity but... fuck...just fuck, like how the fuck can a therapist fix this... people say go to a therapist or psychiatrist (yeah and they just ask how I feel now and don't ask about my past, and then give me how many milligrams of whatever stupid SSRI or SNRI or SbloodySSSSSSSwhatever shit that doesn't work. Sorry, but no tablet, no drug will fix the fact that I have lived a nightmare as if I were a zombie and just woken up for nearly 40 years..

I am at mid-life and just realised my whole past was subconsciously sabotaged because my mother used me as her punching bag after giving birth to me, which meant a ruined childhood, then ruined teenage years, then NPD clearly kicked in once I lost my virginity at 20... and alcoholism which is a symptom of child abuse/NPD parenting abuse of a child, and hey nearly 40 and oh no, yeah you thought that went good? Just bad luck that those relationships and other stuff didn't work out, well sorry it was all your fault but you didn't realise you were self-sabotaging due to the anxious/avoidant attachment arising from your mother abusing you in your ruined childhood.

People say I need to seek therapy, but fuck me if therapy can help that, plus the guilt I hurt the women I pushed away, as well as the pain of losing the one I married and knowing she is with another man that she is still with and married to him now from 2012 until present after we divorced in 2011 (same year we got married), yeah feels great.

Maybe this is why those with NPD are never supposed to go digging down the deep dark rabbit hole of their past... it's like Bourne Identity/Matrix red pill taking shit that I can't handle as I am at middle age, I want the blue pill, I have changed my mind! Too late... just had to go down that rabbit hole didn't I...

BTW, if you research Erik Erikson's stage theory of psychosocial development then this basically messes up my whole chance at avoiding despair as I age as I am already at middle age and have nothing in my past to even cling onto as having been good now I have gotten myself out of NPD denial, plus the regret guilt and feeling like a victim of my own mother, as well as unknowingly at the time psychologically and emotionally abusing the women I have been in relationships with... I am essentially left with nothing good from my past, and I am nearly 40 years old, with suicidal history since age 11, so I mean, a shit ton of baggage and nothing to hang onto for any self-confidence and identity from my past, essentially I am fucked from here on as far as I see it. Yeah thanks for the abuse mum you Narcissistic cannibal. The only person that she loves is the hall of mirrors in her mind that reflects the false image of who she/her NPD makes her think she is (she thinks that she is a good mother), but last time I checked good mothers don't abuse their children. Oh and good mother's show their children empathy when they are sad and not scream at them or berate them for disrespecting them for being "insubordinate" as she would say.

I am also a victim of narcissistic abuse so yeah

 

[NancyVicious]

I was about 11. My brother died when I was 5, my parents were broken afterwards. They preferred him, he was a better person than I am. Home was never a place of love or kindness like it should be. It was more a reminder of why they wished it had been me instead. I missed him so much too, he was the only person who had really loved me.

First failed od at 14. I'd given birth to my eldest child a few weeks before. The dad was older and violent. My parents hated the shame I'd brought on them by being a teen mum. I couldn't cope with trying to get through each day in an environment where everyone hated me. I thought my baby would be better off without me

 

[StolenLife]

I first wanted to ctb at 12 after being severelly bullied and abused, and after I had to leave my two best friends who changed for the worse and became toxic.

 

[Lost Magic]

I was thinking about it in my mid 20's. I think it is partly hereditary and has a big part to do with my horribly toxic environment growing up. I fluctuate between days that are kinda okay and days where I just want the ground to swallow me hole. Let's put it this way, living till old age is not my plan.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Around 12. My parents separated without telling me what was happening, came home from school to a for sale sign in the front yard. I've always been alone with my thoughts and feelings, and made to feel like they were hardships to everyone else. Hard to feel like you belong here when you've never been accepted for what you are.

 

[John Ryder]

Prob mid 20s. Damn Venin, this shit blew up. Try to remember the little people on your meteoric rise lol

 

[enough of this]

I was 18. I had grown up with narcissistic and very abusive parents. Having no one to turn to, I got very depressed. When I went away to college, it made matters worse, being away from the only home I knew. I found security in the consistency of all of the abuses, and knew how to cope with them, as painful as they were. Being removed from that left me totally vulnerable. The abuses and bullying continued in a place that was totally foreign to me. When I couldn't take it anymore, I turned to suicidal ideation. I've relied on thoughts of suicide ever since as a means to maintain my identity. I live a very sad life. But, it's the only one I have.

 

[front of me]

27/28

 

[silentcicada]

Started getting depressed at 8 but CTB thoughts at 11.. was under a lot of pressure. Failing school, no stable parental figures, teachers hated me, no friends, etc etc. Tried to hang myself with a belt but failed miserably. :P

 

[julysilentwoods]

12, nothing happent specific then It was because of abuse that I've been going through since I was a toddler, 12 is when I startt being able to understand these things (I was developmentally delayed)

It was then at 12 I told my psychiatrist I wanted to kill myself and I got diagnosed with depression but I never had depression they just gave me this & meds instead of helping me escape abuse.

I'm a happy person outside the abuse, I'm not depressed k don't fit at all

 

[whyyoulooklikethat]

Idk if it really counts but when i was like 5 and I got hit I wonder what my family would do if I killed myself

 

[venin]

I was about 11. My brother died when I was 5, my parents were broken afterwards. They preferred him, he was a better person than I am. Home was never a place of love or kindness like it should be. It was more a reminder of why they wished it had been me instead. I missed him so much too, he was the only person who had really loved me.

First failed od at 14. I'd given birth to my eldest child a few weeks before. The dad was older and violent. My parents hated the shame I'd brought on them by being a teen mum. I couldn't cope with trying to get through each day in an environment where everyone hated me. I thought my baby would be better off without me

I'm really sorry for your loss and the other misfortunate events…

You sound like a kind person, just so you know

I first wanted to ctb at 12 after being severelly bullied and abused, and after I had to leave my two best friends who changed for the worse and became toxic.

Children can be so sadistic… sorry those things happened to you

I was thinking about it in my mid 20's. I think it is partly hereditary and has a big part to do with my horribly toxic environment growing up. I fluctuate between days that are kinda okay and days where I just want the ground to swallow me hole. Let's put it this way, living till old age is not my plan.

I feel you… I still hope it's healable, even though the evidence is not that encouraging

Hard to feel like you belong here when you've never been accepted for what you are.

That's so fucking true…

Prob mid 20s. Damn Venin, this shit blew up. Try to remember the little people on your meteoric rise lol

I'm so sorry man

I wish it hadn't… I've felt less alone and misunderstood reading the posts, but it's breaking my heart seeing what these nice people have endured…

FUUUUUCKK

I was 18. I had grown up with narcissistic and very abusive parents. Having no one to turn to, I got very depressed. When I went away to college, it made matters worse, being away from the only home I knew. I found security in the consistency of all of the abuses, and knew how to cope with them, as painful as they were. Being removed from that left me totally vulnerable. The abuses and bullying continued in a place that was totally foreign to me. When I couldn't take it anymore, I turned to suicidal ideation. I've relied on thoughts of suicide ever since as a means to maintain my identity. I live a very sad life. But, it's the only one I have.

I can relate a lot to your situation…

Honestly, for me it's still unbelievable that life can be so cruel, so unfair and fucking insane… When you're a kid you're so optimistic and trust life, people, idk, just to grow up and discover things like this are possible and are not even that rare.

Sorry you've experienced this nightmare. I really know how it feels

Started getting depressed at 8 but CTB thoughts at 11.. was under a lot of pressure. Failing school, no stable parental figures, teachers hated me, no friends, etc etc. Tried to hang myself with a belt but failed miserably. :P

I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain…

Idk if it really counts but when i was like 5 and I got hit I wonder what my family would do if I killed myself

so sorry to hear that

 

[NancyVicious]

thank you. I'm having a bad day and that comment has made a bit of a difference to me

 

[venin]

thank you. I'm having a bad day and that comment has made a bit of a difference to me

 

[Costrecce]

Started at 15 and hasn't stopped since. Everything from life started to crash down, bullying was at its peak worst, was already so tired from life

 

[venin]

Started at 15 and hasn't stopped since. Everything from life started to crash down, bullying was at its peak worst, was already so tired from life

I'm so sorry….

Can I ask how old you are?

 

[LostFuture.]

Never have explicitly, but have been passively doing so with my alcohol addiction.

Binge drank once a week beginning at 21 (university parties pretty much forced this), now just drinking that amount every night alone because my current personal and societal situation is unbearable and there seems to be no way out.

 

[venin]

Never have explicitly, but have been passively doing so with my alcohol addiction.

Binge drank once a week beginning at 21 (university parties pretty much forced this), now just drinking that amount every night alone because my current personal and societal situation is unbearable and there seems to be no way out.

I'm sorry things are this bad for you