At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[Praestat_Mori]

Word for word exactly

Sorry for offtopic. @Nefer does your nickname refer to nfr (ancient egyptian) = beauty, beautiful. the hieroglyph is:
I wasn't suicidal for most of my life, however there was a really very short episode in my early 20's but as the situation calmed down quickly I wasn't suicidal at all, since my early 40's now, CTB seems to be inevitable sooner or later, should I not get my life back on track the way I want it to be.

EDIT: reading through the the thread makes me so sad, almost everyone long before even 20 years of age at least thought of CTB or attempted. I'm a bit out of words. But all your personal reasons are fully legit, no doubt about that!

 

[Nefer]

Sorry for offtopic. @Nefer does your nickname refer to nfr (ancient egyptian) = beauty, beautiful. the hieroglyph is: View attachment 117876
I wasn't suicidal for most of my life, however there was a really very short episode in my early 20's but as the situation calmed down quickly I wasn't suicidal at all, since my early 40's now, CTB seems to be inevitable sooner or later, should I not get my life back on track the way I want it to be.

EDIT: reading through the the thread makes me so sad, almost everyone long before even 20 years of age at least thought of CTB or attempted. I'm a bit out of words. But all your personal reasons are fully legit, no doubt about that!

No, it's from a anime called hunter x hunter and shortened from a character named neferpitou "Nefer-pitou". i just liked the sound of it and the character as well.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

No, it's from a anime called hunter x hunter and shortened from a character named neferpitou "Nefer-pitou". i just liked the sound of it and the character as well.

Now you know the root of your nickname! :-)

 

[venin]

Sorry for offtopic. @Nefer does your nickname refer to nfr (ancient egyptian) = beauty, beautiful. the hieroglyph is: View attachment 117876
I wasn't suicidal for most of my life, however there was a really very short episode in my early 20's but as the situation calmed down quickly I wasn't suicidal at all, since my early 40's now, CTB seems to be inevitable sooner or later, should I not get my life back on track the way I want it to be.

EDIT: reading through the the thread makes me so sad, almost everyone long before even 20 years of age at least thought of CTB or attempted. I'm a bit out of words. But all your personal reasons are fully legit, no doubt about that!

Well stated

 

[savoytruffle]

I guess around 12-13, right as I was finishing elementary and everyone suddenly thought it wasn't cool to hang out with the poor kid anymore

 

[venin]

I guess around 12-13, right as I was finishing elementary and everyone suddenly thought it wasn't cool to hang out with the poor kid anymore

Kids can be so evil… fking shit…

I stand by what @Praestat_Mori just said. Life shouldn't ever be about kids or teenagers wanna commit suicide. I have no words for how terrible this is.

 

[social_anxiety]

16 or 17.

I remember the exact moment when my first suicidal thought came. I was in bed wishing that I never existed. When the thought of ending my live appeared in my mind I desesperately asked God forgiveness. I was was raised in a very conservative and religious family so in that moment I realized that what I was thinking was a sin. At that time I was not as a religious person as I used to be (or as my parents taught me to be) but this is what happened. That episode was a game changer.

I had my first attempt at 19...

And now I'm past over 30...

 

[venin]

16 or 17.

I remember the exact moment when my first suicidal thought came. I was in bed wishing that I never existed. When the thought of ending my live appeared in my mind I desesperately asked God forgiveness. I was was raised in a very conservative and religious family so in that moment I realized that what I was thinking was a sin. At that time I was not as a religious person as I used to be (or as my parents taught me to be) but this is what happened. That episode was a game changer.

I had my first attempt at 19...

And now I'm past over 30...

It was just that attempt? Sorry to hear you were so young…

When my first suicidal thoughts came I also was religious. I condemned myself for thinking that way and would fear going to hell. As if feeling so bad you wanna ctb wasn't enough

 

[Kerrtu]

I started to realize in grade 5 if I were dead, there'd be no more pain. My brother abused me into my 20's.

 

[venin]

I started to realize in grade 5 if I were dead, there'd be no more pain. My brother abused me into my 20's.

Sorry to hear that. She abused you until you were in your 20's?

 

[social_anxiety]

It was just that attempt? Sorry to hear you were so young…

No, I had two more after that first one

When my first suicidal thoughts came I also was religious. I condemned myself for thinking that way and would fear going to hell. As if feeling so bad you wanna ctb wasn't enough

Yeah... that's one of the reasons I became an atheist

 

[Kerrtu]

Sorry to hear that. She abused you until you were in your 20's?

My older brother did.

 

[venin]

My older brother did.

That's terrible…

No, I had two more after that first one




Yeah... that's one of the reasons I became an atheist

I'm also an atheist now

 

[Takamagahara]

I was 9 years old, in fourth grade of primary school. I was feeling frustrated and lonely. The monotony of life was already getting to me; the process of homework, studies, play with friends, return, more homework, repeat. I had friends, but I was at least subconsciously aware of the fact that we were only "friends" while we were in school because of this shared space we had because we saw each other almost every day. Whatever friendship I thought we had would never last beyond the school environment.

There was no way I could ever talk about my feelings to my family. So I went up to my teacher at the time, and asked them a question. "Why do I have to go to school? Why do I have to go home afterwards?"

"You have to. Because that's just part of life," they had replied.

"Then what if I don't want to be part of life?" I remember saying.

I don't recall what their response was. Undoubtedly, it was some combination of blank stare and a vapid, confused platitude formulated to dismiss me and my questions.

 

[venin]

I was 9 years old, in fourth grade of primary school. I was feeling frustrated and lonely. The monotony of life was already getting to me; the process of homework, studies, play with friends, return, more homework, repeat. I had friends, but I was at least subconsciously aware of the fact that we were only "friends" while we were in school because of this shared space we had because we saw each other almost every day. Whatever friendship I thought we had would never last beyond the school environment.

There was no way I could ever talk about my feelings to my family. So I went up to my teacher at the time, and asked them a question. "Why do I have to go to school? Why do I have to go home afterwards?"

"You have to. Because that's just part of life," they had replied.

"Then what if I don't want to be part of life?" I remember saying.

I don't recall what their response was. Undoubtedly, it was some combination of blank stare and a vapid, confused platitude formulated to dismiss me and my questions.

That's so sad

 

[Kerrtu]

I have a few theories regarding my brother - sometimes I think he's a psychopath, other times a sociopath - definitely narcissistic traits and evil capabilities. He was treated when he was 13-15 +/- though the treatment was basically to drug him out of his mind so he was essentially slumped over or asleep most of the time. I have memories of going after school up pick him up with our mother - pretty much every time I went, orderlies had to carry him out - he was drugged out of his mind.

His violence started young and I believe i caught the brunt of it. I still have burn scars on my right hand from him - he tried lighting me on fire twice growing up. Speculation aside, I do think the night my father broke my mother's left leg was a major turning point in my brother's psyche. My sister helped me to escape to the neighbors so we could call 911 (father had ripped the land line from the wall in the kitchen). My brother stayed behind - the last look I had of him in that moment was of him basically laying over our mother.

My sister and I will likely never know exactly what happened in those horrific moments we had gone for help.

My mother died in November of 2019 - the nightmare is over for you, äiti. She was a tormented soul, but she's at peace now - I know it.

There was one morning I woke up and went into the kitchen expecting to see her there and she wasn't and it took a minute for it to register.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I was 8-9 when I learned my mom would self harm when she and my dad got together, so I snuck a razor blade and hid it in my room, I would practice cutting myself thinking that those small little cuts would be it for me, when I was 16 I had my first attempt I swallowed about 10 expired prescription Tylenol, it didn't do anything to me. When I was 17 I swallowed 4 handfuls of Tylenol that landed me a 4 week hospital visit. About 12 attempts total in my life, all of them sucked and were not thought out (all before sasu and very little research with methods)

 

[Stormy Raine]

I was adopted and my adopted mother abused me and I had a terrible life as a child and during elementary school probably 6th grade was my 1st attempt, and it's never stopped. I eventually met my biological mother and she was the biggest disappointment. I guess I expected her to ask how my life was, maybe a simple apology would have made a huge difference. She always were on drugs and eventually she died we didn't have a long time together. When she was dying I was so angry that I never came to the hospital, I hated her. Now she's gone and I understand about drug addiction and I wish I could have understood there and been there. Now I miss her so much and wish I could have 1 more day with her and say I'm sorry and I forgive her. I hope there's an afterlife because I'd love to see her again.

 

[tieiwi]

I don't know I think 9. I grew up in a chaotic household with parents that were going through a divorce and an abusive mom. I was very logical back then and thought if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the abuse. Once I made that connection I've been wanting to die ever since. One time when my mom was having one of her tantrums and hitting me I remember trying to hold my breath thinking I'd die if I held it long enough. Maybe I was around 12 at the time. I also remember as a punishment I was locked outside on the balcony. I remember sitting on the edge debating if I should jump off or not. I didn't because I came to the conclusion that it wasn't high enough for me to die. Thinking back I was right, I would've only broken my leg or something. Anyway I never had a chance of having a good life.

 

[sammiechzxv]

10ish. I was having family problems & being SAd.

 

[venting247]

I had a fascination with death from a very young age, and I didn't know how to stop it.

I would have nightly panic attacks and nightmares about horrific things happening to me. At 4 or 5, I wanted to disappear and I had a dream about letting myself drown in a local pond, my vision going black, and feeling at peace at the end of the dream. I would sleep with my blanket over my head my entire childhood, because it felt safe and I was paranoid about monsters and ghosts.

I was very weirdly obsessed with the idea of death, but I was terrified of dying and hearing about death. I hated the body I was in. I could best explain it by saying, I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die either.

I don't exactly remember when I first realised that I wanted to die. I would say I was maybe 7-10 years old, but much more passively. Like in a way that I absolutely didn't want to die, but I would if I felt it was the only way out. I didn't know what suicide was or meant until I was around 10 years old.

Every year starting to get worse. When I was 8, I became much more anxious and sad and I kind of felt piece in my sadness that summer.

I found out I had depression when I was 11 or 12 years old, just before I started a new school. I started losing interest in things, and it slowly got worse. I started self harming when I was 13. I was severely depressed and insecure by the time I was 14. Don't get me wrong, I never liked myself, and probably never will. I started openly talking about wanting to die, and wanting to hurt myself.

My grades dropped in the last few years.

Last year I made my first suicide attempt. I'm now 18, under assessment for DID, and I'm not doing good at all. I feel like this summer will be my last.

 

[day]

I originally thought semi-serious about it as young as 15 after a rocky relationship. I remember I had held a firearm in my mouth but kinda knew I wasn't going to do anything.

Now I'm 24 and this is the first time I've seriously considered it and I truly don't think there's a way to convince me out of it. Often times I think I'm making a mistake but more times than not I feel like I'm stuck in a world where I was designed to suffer. Oh well, not existing has really always sounded preferable. If I wasn't put here to begin with I wouldn't be such a mess.

 

[CH349]

Hard to tell, I was never afraid of death even when I was young. I remember one of my earliest memories was being on a really high building, and little me stared at the fall and thought about what would happen if I were to jump. I worried about other's lives, but never mine, so I suppose that can constitute as wanting to CTB.

 

[venin]

I have a few theories regarding my brother - sometimes I think he's a psychopath, other times a sociopath - definitely narcissistic traits and evil capabilities. He was treated when he was 13-15 +/- though the treatment was basically to drug him out of his mind so he was essentially slumped over or asleep most of the time. I have memories of going after school up pick him up with our mother - pretty much every time I went, orderlies had to carry him out - he was drugged out of his mind.

His violence started young and I believe i caught the brunt of it. I still have burn scars on my right hand from him - he tried lighting me on fire twice growing up. Speculation aside, I do think the night my father broke my mother's left leg was a major turning point in my brother's psyche. My sister helped me to escape to the neighbors so we could call 911 (father had ripped the land line from the wall in the kitchen). My brother stayed behind - the last look I had of him in that moment was of him basically laying over our mother.

My sister and I will likely never know exactly what happened in those horrific moments we had gone for help.

My mother died in November of 2019 - the nightmare is over for you, äiti. She was a tormented soul, but she's at peace now - I know it.

There was one morning I woke up and went into the kitchen expecting to see her there and she wasn't and it took a minute for it to register.

That's so awful… I'm sorry you experienced those things

I was 8-9 when I learned my mom would self harm when she and my dad got together, so I snuck a razor blade and hid it in my room, I would practice cutting myself thinking that those small little cuts would be it for me, when I was 16 I had my first attempt I swallowed about 10 expired prescription Tylenol, it didn't do anything to me. When I was 17 I swallowed 4 handfuls of Tylenol that landed me a 4 week hospital visit. About 12 attempts total in my life, all of them sucked and were not thought out (all before sasu and very little research with methods)

I'm sorry to hear it was that bad for you…

I was adopted and my adopted mother abused me and I had a terrible life as a child and during elementary school probably 6th grade was my 1st attempt, and it's never stopped. I eventually met my biological mother and she was the biggest disappointment. I guess I expected her to ask how my life was, maybe a simple apology would have made a huge difference. She always were on drugs and eventually she died we didn't have a long time together. When she was dying I was so angry that I never came to the hospital, I hated her. Now she's gone and I understand about drug addiction and I wish I could have understood there and been there. Now I miss her so much and wish I could have 1 more day with her and say I'm sorry and I forgive her. I hope there's an afterlife because I'd love to see her again.

I'm sorry it was so tough for you that's very kind and loving of you

I don't know I think 9. I grew up in a chaotic household with parents that were going through a divorce and an abusive mom. I was very logical back then and thought if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the abuse. Once I made that connection I've been wanting to die ever since. One time when my mom was having one of her tantrums and hitting me I remember trying to hold my breath thinking I'd die if I held it long enough. Maybe I was around 12 at the time. I also remember as a punishment I was locked outside on the balcony. I remember sitting on the edge debating if I should jump off or not. I didn't because I came to the conclusion that it wasn't high enough for me to die. Thinking back I was right, I would've only broken my leg or something. Anyway I never had a chance of having a good life.

That sounds awful. I'm sorry it was that you for you also. How's it now? Still that bad?

10ish. I was having family problems & being SAd.

That's really tough…

I had a fascination with death from a very young age, and I didn't know how to stop it.

I would have nightly panic attacks and nightmares about horrific things happening to me. At 4 or 5, I wanted to disappear and I had a dream about letting myself drown in a local pond, my vision going black, and feeling at peace at the end of the dream. I would sleep with my blanket over my head my entire childhood, because it felt safe and I was paranoid about monsters and ghosts.

I was very weirdly obsessed with the idea of death, but I was terrified of dying and hearing about death. I hated the body I was in. I could best explain it by saying, I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die either.

I don't exactly remember when I first realised that I wanted to die. I would say I was maybe 7-10 years old, but much more passively. Like in a way that I absolutely didn't want to die, but I would if I felt it was the only way out. I didn't know what suicide was or meant until I was around 10 years old.

Every year starting to get worse. When I was 8, I became much more anxious and sad and I kind of felt piece in my sadness that summer.

I found out I had depression when I was 11 or 12 years old, just before I started a new school. I started losing interest in things, and it slowly got worse. I started self harming when I was 13. I was severely depressed and insecure by the time I was 14. Don't get me wrong, I never liked myself, and probably never will. I started openly talking about wanting to die, and wanting to hurt myself.

My grades dropped in the last few years.

Last year I made my first suicide attempt. I'm now 18, under assessment for DID, and I'm not doing good at all. I feel like this summer will be my last.

I did that last night, the blanket over my head thing… it just feels safe. Also, this is exactly where I stand: I don't wanna die, but I simply cannot live like this anymore.

It's been horryfying for you… I'm really sorry it was this way.

Hope it gets better. One way or the other

I originally thought semi-serious about it as young as 15 after a rocky relationship. I remember I had held a firearm in my mouth but kinda knew I wasn't going to do anything.

Now I'm 24 and this is the first time I've seriously considered it and I truly don't think there's a way to convince me out of it. Often times I think I'm making a mistake but more times than not I feel like I'm stuck in a world where I was designed to suffer. Oh well, not existing has really always sounded preferable. If I wasn't put here to begin with I wouldn't be such a mess.

I also wish I hadn't been born at all, given my circumstances.

I'm sorry it was this way

Hard to tell, I was never afraid of death even when I was young. I remember one of my earliest memories was being on a really high building, and little me stared at the fall and thought about what would happen if I were to jump. I worried about other's lives, but never mine, so I suppose that can constitute as wanting to CTB.

Can I ask what happened to you?

 

[PrisonPlanet]

15. I had and still have no control over my life. Everyone else is in control of my life. I can't do shit with myself because I don't even make enough money to move out of my parents house.

 

[venin]

15. I had and still have no control over my life. Everyone else is in control of my life. I can't do shit with myself because I don't even make enough money to move out of my parents house.

Omg. I felt the exact same way but never put it in words. I had no control of my life as a child or as a teen. Now it's different regarding my "family" but I was left so traumatised that it's kinda in vain that I managed to escape.

Sorry to hear you're in that situation. I know what it's like…

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

I remember wishing to die as young as about 5 years old. I remember from a young age I begged God to save me or kill me.

 

[TheMetalhead]

First I wanted to CTB at the age of 14, living in an abusive household, being a shut in, not having anyone to talk to really..
My thought continued to me till I was 17 and first attempted to OD with everything I had in my house. No one knew about it despite me throwing up blood for days.
It went on to 4 attempts, most recent being exactly 370 days ago. I will CTB eventaully, probably before end of this year.

 

[venin]

I remember wishing to die as young as about 5 years old. I remember from a young age I begged God to save me or kill me.

That's really sad. I'm really sorry

First I wanted to CTB at the age of 14, living in an abusive household, being a shut in, not having anyone to talk to really..
My thought continued to me till I was 17 and first attempted to OD with everything I had in my house. No one knew about it despite me throwing up blood for days.
It went on to 4 attempts, most recent being exactly 370 days ago. I will CTB eventaully, probably before end of this year.

It's fucked up when it gets this hard… I hope you find peace whichever way you choose to go

 

[Nezumi04]

I think the first time I seriously tried was around 17yrs old... I tried to overdose on sleeping pills, but I just vomited and passed out for awhile. woke up after and had to clean up my mess...

I grew up in a very emotionally neglectful and abusive family (sometimes even physically by both parents)... my brother was also a bully to me at times. I still remember the time both my mom & brother ganged up on me, literally telling me I was a useless piece of trash that did nothing for anyone. They completely destroyed my self-esteem, and I don't think I had any left after that.... many times, I wondered why I was even born or alive, when I was just treated like a bother/baggage to everyone around me. My own family couldn't love me, so it was hard to imagine that anyone else would either. Not only that... but, my dad also sexually molested me growing up throughout the years. So, I felt really betrayed and ashamed with a heavy secret. On the outside, we probably seemed like a normal family, but underneath it all, it felt rotten.... This probably contributed to me feeling disconnected from others around me as if I was living in a different reality, and also had a harder time trusting people as easily. I really liked hiding in my room all day, because there was a lock on the door and some privacy... It made me feel safe, because I never knew when someone would suddenly get mad at me or my dad trying to visit. I think it got bad and overwhelming when I was friendless in school, had truancy problems... but I also got punished for something I did - so, my dad conveniently used that opportunity to suggest getting rid of the lock on my door. At that time, my life felt like a swirling black hole, and I just wanted to disappear to stop all my negative feelings/thoughts.

After I failed my attempt, I think I had no choice but to keep trying to live... I focused on doing well in school, so I could get a decent job and eventually move out. The hope to one day get away from my family was a huge motivator..... because I knew that if I couldn't achieve that, I'd probably have CTB.