At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[Peaceful Departure]

I'll start

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 25. The reason is I grew up in a narcisstic family and eventually the abuse got to me. Coupled with the fact that I didn't know who I was, didn't know my needs and obviously neglecting them, I obviously broke at some point. It was just a matter of time.
(Back then I didn't know all those things. I was still chained by their manipulation, gaslighting etc.)

How about you? I would love to hear your story

Exact same story, with the addition of a girlfriend with a variety of mental problems who completely destroyed whatever was left of me. I believe I first wanted to CTB at 20 or 21, and became serious about it at 23. 25 now.

 

[venin]

Exact same story, with the addition of a girlfriend with a variety of mental problems who completely destroyed whatever was left of me. I believe I first wanted to CTB at 20 or 21, and became serious about it at 23. 25 now.

Ohh, I've had several girlfriends who broke my heart, manipulated me, gaslighted me, used me

How are you now though?

 

[SleepyRobloxGrl]

Earliest I can remember thinking about ctb was 9, when a friend's older brother killed himself. Made me think about death a lot. My first "attempt" was 11, I tried to overdose on my prescription meds. I did it in front of my parents, (to prove a point I guess? I did it again at 13, I don't know why. Probably wanted attention bc I was literally still a child and they never were able to give me attention.) At 12 I was raped at a party by a way older guy. My friends didn't understand and alienated me. I felt so alone that I attempted again at 13. I cut up my body with a razor from literally neck to ankles. I still had to go to school the next day because my mom was strict and also a narcissist, made me more suicidal, tried again at 14, tried full suspension hanging but my anchor point broke. More attempts through the years, but those are the earliest. Sorry for the long post & trauma dumping, I just started typing and couldn't stop lol

 

[venin]

Upon the day of my birth...Nah!


Tbh, is hard to remember a specific moment or time back then, I would say when I was around 14 or 15 years old, tho. I had been dealing with a obscure depression due the child abuse I experienced during my childhood, undiagnosed autism (got my first diagnose on my early 30s) and untreated as ADD (a.k.a. ADHD), stigmatized by my "wrongdoing behaviors" and "manners" (for being gay), surgeries and treatment due hearing loss. idk, I grew tired af, still nowadays do tho.

I am just waiting to pass away any second for whatever reason.

Obscure depression. I felt that

I'm giving it one more try. If it doesn't work,

 

[Epsilon Lyrae]

When I first thought about it I was so young i dont ever remember my age. And the reason for that thougt was not the bad life quality but a differrent one, and quite embarassing one.

The whole story is that back then I was very afraid of the darkness. I asked my parents to buy me night light, but they never did, and also didn't allow me to sleep with the lights on (for some reason). So I each night i just lied face to the wall barely breathing, and the only thought that I kept in my mind: my bed is near the window and if I hear monsters crawling in my room i just open it and jump. Just to die quickly and avoid dealing with monsters in the darkness. lol

I know this is very stupid but i guess that was the first time of me thinking about ctb

 

[Peaceful Departure]

Ohh, I've had several girlfriends who broke my heart, manipulated me, gaslighted me, used me

How are you now though?

I'm not quite out of it yet. She has severe bpd, ptsd, autism, and bipolar. She really needed help in the beginning (couldn't even be in public without having a breakdown/crying). I tried to help her through it, but then I spent over a year terrified that she would die if I left, because she had given me every indication that that would happen. I helped her go to meetings (introduce her to others, try to help her feel safe). Eventually she was able to go to in person meetings on her own. Things became very difficult, because she had little to no control over her emotions so anything that she found upsetting she would unload on me! I so badly wanted to escape the situation but my fear of her dying overwhelmed me. After around 7 months I was no longer able to hold everything in. When she would scream at me, and I would find myself needing to raise my voice to to stand up for myself. A little while later she's sharing at her meetings that I'm her abuser and that she is scared of me. It was the most shocking thing I've ever been told in my entire life. The main issue is that she now goes to 8+ meetings in our area consisting of hundreds of people. Hundreds of people thinking I abuse women, is terrifying! And remember, some of these people know my face because I was introducing her to them in the beginning. Now past girlfriends, and really anyone who knows me, knows that I'm the last person to abuse anyone. However, my fear of being in public, labelled as an abuser of women, is very overwhelming. Honestly, it's completely unfair. So no, I'm not doing well, I find myself scared to leave my house now despite the fact the she is the abuser in our relationship.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing

 

[venin]

I'm not quite out of it yet. She has severe bpd, ptsd, autism, and bipolar. She really needed help in the beginning (couldn't even be in public without having a breakdown/crying). I tried to help her through it, but then I spent over a year terrified that she would die if I left, because she had given me every indication that that would happen. I helped her go to meetings (introduce her to others, try to help her feel safe). Eventually she was able to go to in person meetings on her own. Things became very difficult, because she had little to no control over her emotions so anything that she found upsetting she would unload on me! I so badly wanted to escape the situation but my fear of her dying overwhelmed me. After around 7 months I was no longer able to hold everything in. When she would scream at me, and I would find myself needing to raise my voice to to stand up for myself. A little while later she's sharing at her meetings that I'm her abuser and that she is scared of me. It was the most shocking thing I've ever been told in my entire life. The main issue is that she now goes to 8+ meetings in our area consisting of hundreds of people. Hundreds of people thinking I abuse women, is terrifying! And remember, some of these people know my face because I was introducing her to them in the beginning. Now past girlfriends, and really anyone who knows me, knows that I'm the last person to abuse anyone. However, my fear of being in public, labelled as an abuser of women, is very overwhelming. Honestly, it's completely unfair. So no, I'm not doing well, I find myself scared to leave my house now despite the fact the she is the abuser in our relationship.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing

Fucking hell man… I recognise the patterns

I recently realised I need someone healthy. Even though I usually thought a traumatised person would empathise more.

Idk dude. I just know I need to be loved and to love.

When I first thought about it I was so young i dont ever remember my age. And the reason for that thougt was not the bad life quality but a differrent one, and quite embarassing one.

The whole story is that back then I was very afraid of the darkness. I asked my parents to buy me night light, but they never did, and also didn't allow me to sleep with the lights on (for some reason). So I each night i just lied face to the wall barely breathing, and the only thought that I kept in my mind: my bed is near the window and if I hear monsters crawling in my room i just open it and jump. Just to die quickly and avoid dealing with monsters in the darkness. lol

I know this is very stupid but i guess that was the first time of me thinking about ctb

It's not stupid. Though I think there's something fishy here. Maybe something unconscious. You just don't think about this out of the blue… it's my humble opinion

 

[timetodie24]

I'm not sure on exact age, sometime early secondary school so probably around age 12 . Nothing really traumatic had happened but I was being bullied and struggling to fit in because of (at the time undiagnosed) autism. I was having intrusive thoughts a lot too.
I didn't attempt then but I remember attaching a belt to a door handle and putting it around my neck. I didn't put my full weight into it, just wanted to see what it felt like i guess. But i remember thinking that if it accidentally worked then it wouldn't be the worst thing. It sounds so stupid now but I used to try to see if I could suffocate myself with my pillows long enough to go unconscious too (knew it wouldn't kill me though, was maybe self-harm in a way?)

 

[venin]

I'm not sure on exact age, sometime early secondary school so probably around age 12 . Nothing really traumatic had happened but I was being bullied and struggling to fit in because of (at the time undiagnosed) autism. I was having intrusive thoughts a lot too.
I didn't attempt then but I remember attaching a belt to a door handle and putting it around my neck. I didn't put my full weight into it, just wanted to see what it felt like i guess. But i remember thinking that if it accidentally worked then it wouldn't be the worst thing. It sounds so stupid now but I used to try to see if I could suffocate myself with my pillows long enough to go unconscious too (knew it wouldn't kill me though, was maybe self-harm in a way?)

It doesn't sound stupid. You coped how you could

 

[passivethought121]

Around 12. was bullied and was extremely sensitive to anything that was rejection, or could be perceived as it. Had intrusive self-injurious thoughts. I wasn't focused on being permanently dead, but reincarnating. I fantasized about the idea of reincarnating into a tree, because trees were tall and stable and and easily blended and fit in with their environment. They were never treated as stupid or different, probably because they're trees. I'd stare at them too often, and have hallucinations of angels in a fence who were either reaching out their hand or calling my name, so they could physically take my soul out of my body and put it into the ground so I could be a tree. I can't remember exactly this tree-loving started or stopped, but it wasn't happening after my first attempt, which was when I was 13.

 

[venin]

I failed, and repeated four grades... so I don't know.

He was adressing me

yeah it is, i can go fairly long without relapsing but the thought is always there and eventually it gets too strong to ignore it. I started when I was around 13 i think, one of my friends at school had introduced me to sh (i don't exactly remember how i was told about it) and it started from there. I was only doing small cuts around that time, like cat scratches, but over the years i started going deeper and doing more cuts. I wish that friend never told me about self harm but I feel like I can't really blame them because either way I would have found out about it sooner or later.

I haven't been introduced to self-harm and I think that's why I don't do it. I'm saying this because I had and have many addictions (more or less). So maybe you're not that guilty.

Around 12. was bullied and was extremely sensitive to anything that was rejection, or could be perceived as it. Had intrusive self-injurious thoughts. I wasn't focused on being permanently dead, but reincarnating. I fantasized about the idea of reincarnating into a tree, because trees were tall and stable and and easily blended and fit in with their environment. They were never treated as stupid or different, probably because they're trees. I'd stare at them too often, and have hallucinations of angels in a fence who were either reaching out their hand or calling my name, so they could physically take my soul out of my body and put it into the ground so I could be a tree. I can't remember exactly this tree-loving started or stopped, but it wasn't happening after my first attempt, which was when I was 13.

Yeah, I feel you. I am reaaaaaaaaaly sensitive to anything that kiind of resembles rejection.

I'm sorry you had it that bad…

 

[TheGoodGuy]

14 it came with the teenage hormones before then life was heaven on earth

 

[venin]

7. I was heavy bullied in class bc of my appearance (they beat me up and humiliated me) and a few months earlier I was molested by a nurse at the hospital. So yeah, it fucked up my little brain a little.

Fuck… really sorry about that

What was wrong with your appearance, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm really sorry

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I'm sorry you had this faith

Hope it gest better, one way or the other

thanx you too

 

[venin]

Earliest I can remember thinking about ctb was 9, when a friend's older brother killed himself. Made me think about death a lot. My first "attempt" was 11, I tried to overdose on my prescription meds. I did it in front of my parents, (to prove a point I guess? I did it again at 13, I don't know why. Probably wanted attention bc I was literally still a child and they never were able to give me attention.) At 12 I was raped at a party by a way older guy. My friends didn't understand and alienated me. I felt so alone that I attempted again at 13. I cut up my body with a razor from literally neck to ankles. I still had to go to school the next day because my mom was strict and also a narcissist, made me more suicidal, tried again at 14, tried full suspension hanging but my anchor point broke. More attempts through the years, but those are the earliest. Sorry for the long post & trauma dumping, I just started typing and couldn't stop lol

I know how being an invisible kid feels, sadly…

Fuck that's some heavy stuff… I'm really really sorry you went through all those dreadful things…

For what it's worth, you're really a fighter and a heroine just for the fact that you're still here

If you ever wanna talk, you can dm me anytime

14 it came with the teenage hormones before then life was heaven on earth

Puberty changes everything man…

 

[Boudika]

Fuck… really sorry about that

What was wrong with your appearance, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm really sorry

I have BPES so I look more asian than european. And as you can guess, kids can be really cruel. Didn't help the fact, that, because of the physicaly abuse in my home, I was the odd quiet child who had trouble functioning in society and have very good grades.

 

[Peaceful Departure]

Fucking hell man… I recognise the patterns

I recently realised I need someone healthy. Even though I usually thought a traumatised person would empathise more.

Idk dude. I just know I need to be loved and to love.

It's not stupid. Though I think there's something fishy here. Maybe something unconscious. You just don't think about this out of the blue… it's my humble opinion

Ya man, gotta stop it before it becomes a pattern for sure! I think it's also important to recognize when we're in a vulnerable state, and to be extra cautious about the people we introduce into our lives at those times.

 

[Already Gone6]

Mmmm first time ever about 10 years old. I shut down for a while and stopped talking. My dad got concerned after weeks of this and called a therapist or something. I ended up swallowing a bunch of pills and told the therapist and that landed me my first psych hospital visit. Just a little taste of the hell that would ensue.

 

[venin]

I have BPES so I look more asian than european. And as you can guess, kids can be really cruel. Didn't help the fact, that, because of the physicaly abuse in my home, I was the odd quiet child who had trouble functioning in society and have very good grades.

It's so fucked up that you end up being furtherly abused for being abused in the first place…

 

[jellie]

the first time it ever crossed my mind was when i was 11. i was just curious about death and going through a difficult time in school and in my sport so looked into it more online, and thus started my obsession. my first (and only as of right now) attempt to ctb was at 13. i am 19 now and considering again (yippee).

 

[venin]

the first time it ever crossed my mind was when i was 11. i was just curious about death and going through a difficult time in school and in my sport so looked into it more online, and thus started my obsession. my first (and only as of right now) attempt to ctb was at 13. i am 19 now and considering again (yippee).

It's started so early… I'm sorry

Can I ask what was your first attempt?

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

6 years old

 

[Archness]

At 18, though if you really wanted to stretch it, maybe 17.

Tho interestingly, I've never really, or couldn't, care about living as long as possible. Not naturally worried at all about survival for it's own sake, though my biology is atleast working in that I have, I think a normal amount of SI (obviously lower, but I don't exactly have a ruler to measure that).

I'm waiting for life to either just end, or get bad enough I'd actually ctb. I don't billeve it's that bad even now, though that'll definetely change in time. Often I think I became suicidal like this too soon, but knowing myself more then ever, it does make sense suicide would seem more viable at about that age.

 

[jellie]

It's started so early… I'm sorry

Can I ask what was your first attempt?

my first attempt was hanging (from like a doorknob in my bathroom) but i was close enough to the ground that fight or flight kicked in and i got myself undone. nobody ever found out that it happened because i didn't want to be institutionalized and i ended up crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor that night.

 

[venin]

my first attempt was hanging (from like a doorknob in my bathroom) but i was close enough to the ground that fight or flight kicked in and i got myself undone. nobody ever found out that it happened because i didn't want to be institutionalized and i ended up crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor that night.

6 years old

I'm so sorry…

 

[Boudika]

It's so fucked up that you end up being furtherly abused for being abused in the first place…

What can I say, kids are cruel and my life is a comedy.

 

[Foxl]

For me it all started with growing up and feeling like a dissapointment at so many moments that it built up. I first got the idea to CTB when I was 16. I waited for the day Id move out from my parents, chill a few months and then do it. On the day I was set too much shit happened around that I literally forgot. Talked to friends via Discord that evening and slipped so they knew what I was up to. Needless to say they set me up in a suicide prevention clinic and im honestly fine with that. Felt nice to be kinda cared for but in the end the thought still remains. With every frustration I face in recent years the feeling to end it all grows stronger again. I actually signed up via Tantcruls video because he kinda gave me the idea that if someone knows how to go out its people on this forum.

So yeah tldr: always feeling like a dissapointment, friends sent me into the clinic, Tantcruls video reignited the feeling and interesst.

 

[venin]

What can I say, kids are cruel and my life is a comedy.

Dramedy

 

[venin]

For me it all started with growing up and feeling like a dissapointment at so many moments that it built up. I first got the idea to CTB when I was 16. I waited for the day Id move out from my parents, chill a few months and then do it. On the day I was set too much shit happened around that I literally forgot. Talked to friends via Discord that evening and slipped so they knew what I was up to. Needless to say they set me up in a suicide prevention clinic and im honestly fine with that. Felt nice to be kinda cared for but in the end the thought still remains. With every frustration I face in recent years the feeling to end it all grows stronger again. I actually signed up via Tantcruls video because he kinda gave me the idea that if someone knows how to go out its people on this forum.

So yeah tldr: always feeling like a dissapointment, friends sent me into the clinic, Tantcruls video reignited the feeling and interesst.

I think we were made to feel like dissapointments, you don't just feel like that at least that's my opinion

I love it how Tantacrul manage to do so much of the opposite of what he normally intended. Gj dude, if you ever see this message

However, I wish you get to obtain whatever you intend to
Nothing but love

 

[venin]

At 18, though if you really wanted to stretch it, maybe 17.

Tho interestingly, I've never really, or couldn't, care about living as long as possible. Not naturally worried at all about survival for it's own sake, though my biology is atleast working in that I have, I think a normal amount of SI (obviously lower, but I don't exactly have a ruler to measure that).

I'm waiting for life to either just end, or get bad enough I'd actually ctb. I don't billeve it's that bad even now, though that'll definetely change in time. Often I think I became suicidal like this too soon, but knowing myself more then ever, it does make sense suicide would seem more viable at about that age.

And now? How are you? Are you in a better place?

i was, like, 11-ish lmao. i had no friends and craved companionship really desperately but eventually that faded out and i just started wanting to die! i think i drafted a suicide note at like. late 11 or 12, too. the first time i thought i might be depressed was when i was 8

… I'm so sorry . That's so early

i wanted to in times of stress since i was around 10 but i think i only started to seriously think about it when i turned 15 or so

so sorry

How old are you now?