At what age did everything go wrong?

[A_Poetic_Death]

I was 8 years old at gradeschool with bullying (no surprise there) and home life was abusive. I didn't know what it was called, but I had these thoughts of eating raw meat (that's how kids think) because someone told me about eating raw chicken would make you very sick...from there it progressed to trying to dare myself to step in front of a school bus. In third grade, I was telling kids to get away from me so I could figure out how to die. I'm 31 now. Its been with me ever since. It used to eeb and flow like the ocean. Lately, it is the hurricane. The siren song that calls me, beckoning peace.

The newly acquired mental ills don't help:

C STS PTSD.
ADHD severe combined with the RSD factor: rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
SAD and GAD, Thought OCD.
Two ongoing new diagnoses: Bipolar 2 and BPD.
Panic disorder / anxiety disorder.
The physical isotopic benzodiazepines epidemic that I am a victim of.
Sleep disorder.
Dyscalculia.

My mother crossing the veil 3-24-2015.... cancer, sudden and unforgiving. She is the parent I cherish the most. The other parent has destroyed me with his vileness. He would be an extreme driving force in my CTB. Perhaps that's childish, but he caused most of my mental instability.

The loss of my dream career in medicine...... that was recent.

Instinctively I always knew I was a CFU (complete f up) even early I knew I was another statistic. Never destined or capable of being anything or anyone. I wanted to leave a mark on this godforsaken shithole we call life.

My doom speak is on full blast, I do apologize.

 

[astro]

17 :(

 

[passepar2t]

It's always been wrong. I once quipped that I'm not damaged goods so much as poorly-manufactured goods.

 

[cloudgazer25]

I'm gonna make a whole story post soon, but my life basically ended when I was 7.

 

[NeverHungry]

I'm gonna say about 11. Even though I was being mentally and emotionally abused at home all of the time when I was a kid, I was still able to smile and be happy, despite everything. (not sure how) I had enthusiasm, and I was really open to talking to people, it all came naturally to me.

Once I hit about 11/12, that all changed. Happiness started being replaced with anxiety, and I just grew to be more and more of a mess. I steadily became quieter and sadder, and here I am now.

 

[ScornedStoic]

10.

 

[Amossoma543]

I usually don't share much about this, simply because I don't much like sob stories...we all have them, they're usually pretty boring and/or similar, and I know that mine isn't unique nor very interesting. Life just sucks. It almost always has, overall.

I have almost no happy memories from childhood...my overwhelming general feeling of childhood was constant anxiety and fear of people. I was taught early on that the world has sharp teeth, and it doesn't care if you're a small child with no ability to fight back...it will bite you hard and often. Your pleading eyes or cries for help don't matter.

Life had moments of peacefulness as an adult, and I can't lie and say I haven't had any fun, because I have. But I never lost my general feeling that life is *heavy* and taxing and generally is made up of just short periods of relative peace between overwhelming periods of misery and miserable events. We go from miserable event to miserable event, trying our best to mitigate the amount of misery we feel.

I've always hated being with others, do not like small talk, have had a debilitating stutter my whole life, was tormented as a child, physically abused as a child, was taken from my mother, never knew who my father was...raised by abusive step fathers...and I honestly thought that when I became an adult that there would eventually come a time when it all made sense...that, like in films, all answers would come...everything would become clear...the happy ending would happen. That somebody would finally come along and it would all make sense.

But none of that happens. I'm now getting relatively older, I do have an okay career and things I enjoy, but I don't look to the future for any more events or milestones. There's just no reason to stick around. Every day is a chore. Every single morning, as I drift towards being awake, the dread settles in...when you realize that you can't live forever in that peaceful sleep state. You have to get up...and even walking from your bed to wherever you go first is a heavy, taxing chore. Life is just *heavy*.

And there's no reason to think that life will get any better. Again, I do enjoy films, I love reading novels, and I love my times of isolation. But I can't avoid all human interactions in real life...and I get anxious thinking about how times will come when I'm forced to be with others. Family crisis. Deaths. People announcing they're coming through town and will stop in. Having to go out to buy things you need.

I'm. Just. Tired. I'm tired of being afraid, anxious, confused, tired of seeing meanness, tired of seeing the new and exciting ways that humans can torment one another...tired of seeing how crappy the world is, always was, and will no doubt always be.

 

[to_rid_the_disease]

I guess things started going to shit when I was about 21/22. I was just finishing uni and had no real prospect of what to do with my life. Eight years later and I feel a failure as a human being because I have achieved nothing. I just feel like I'm waiting around to die you know?

 

[Shero]

4 or 5, don't remember correctly.

 

[Ferxro]

I feel like just being born was when things went bad because of abuse.
But I guess when I was aware of it but wasn't able to do anything out of fear so at age 6 or so idk.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

Well, things weren't going well for me before, but shit truly hit the fan at 17. School piling up, intense self harm, first suicide attempt and getting my stomach pumped...

 

[Sensei]

Around 32.

 

[omoidarui]

13-14 would've been a good age to go.

i didn't find out about peaceful methods like inert gas until recently and now everything seems to be going right annoyingly !

 

[joshe]

13, when i gave in and didn't stick up for myself, both at home and school

 

[Theresa Riot]

I honestly don't know. I don't even remember a time that I didn't want to die.

 

[Serenity]

15. I had a psychotic break and went from a straight-A student who broke high school records in track and field to a flunking, delusional fat ass.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

21

 

[InTheAirTonight]

12/13

 

[Walilamdzi]

19

 

[Rockman]

Since i was born. Toxic family mixed my brain to shit. But i noticed around 13 yrs old.

 

[porfin1234]

It wasn't a particular age for me.
I basically just have a bad personality and have always struggled with self hatred and feeling like something is wrong with me and I don't belong.
Funny thing is I think now I could've been pretty decent human and relatively led a healthy life if I had not been so obsessed with my internal world. If I had let myself just be the fun loving side of me and not worried about "fitting in".. I would've been fine. Self hatred built jealousy and resentment and no one wants to be around that.
Self fulfilling prophecy at its best.

Ive honestly had almost all my dreams come true I just never felt worthy so I sabotaged them.

 

[Klee]

Aged 12, for sure.

 

[Epsilon0]

Around the time I turned 35 things took a turn for the worse. I mean they were bad before, but let's just say I hit rock bottom, passed it and fell down a few more miles after my mid 30's.

 

[Serinaxo]

I guess when I was about 4. I don't have memory of my childhood expect the CSA I experienced. I often wonder how my lift would've turned out if I wasn't abused as a child and as a teen. Xo

 

[FireFox]

21
On the day of my 21st birthday i felt like my life was nothing but a failiure. I have lived all these years but nothing to show for it. I was extremely depresssd in the months after.

I did a university placement during the summer holidays at the citizens adivice and it went awfully wrong. My role was to give advice to people about thier problems on various issues like debt, employment, housing etc.
I struggled with advising people. I had people get up and leave as i was poor at advising .

I was needy and asking for help from the other adivsors i worked with . It was so embrassing. By the end of the placement i never wanted to work with people again.

I was offered a saturday job in a church set up by this woman to help young people. I turned it down due to fear of it going badly like at the citizens advice palcement.

I kept bumping in to people i went to school with they are doing better than me. They have careers, relationships .

The guy i always wanted since secondary school has a job in fianace and is still with the girl he liked more than me.

I wanted him to love me
I wanted to be is his girlfriend
I want kill myself because i have not got a relationship of my own and have not got a career. Ifeel like evertyhing is a mess


I cant live this anymore for anothor 10 years

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

21. Sad thing is I didn't enjoy my life as much as I could before all went to shit. That makes me depressed.

 

[Finished]

Four I know of things happening when I was younger than that but that's my age I remember and I've always wanted to die even as a kid that young I was never given a chance never had one

 

[oneofthoseyoudontwan]

Since born

 

[Lonely789]

45 when i found out my ex was cheating on me for years after being together for 25 years and having 3 kids together.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

I remember that I always had thoughts about death and I never liked here. My first attempt CTB was at 6 years of age.