At what age did everything go wrong?

[Shinbu]

I dunno. If I had to guess I would say after I moved to a new school. Then returning to my old school, and I noticed everyone forgotten me. Or maybe when I had that seizure since then I never felt the same. Looking back I was talkative that lasted until I became 10. Something woke inside me at a certain point in life for me. My childhood memories is not fully remembered. My memories are fragments that I remember. I don't have the whole puzzle figured out. I feel like there is trauma hidden in my memories. That my brain won't let me remember.

 

[imstillhungry]

Tbh since birth. I was born into a very abusive family. It's not even just my parents, literally my entire family are abusive psychopaths. Must be in our DNA. My childhood was hell. I was physically and mentally abused for as long as I can remember. I actually don't have any memories before about age 10. My brain must have blocked them out because they were so traumatic.

I found a school report the other day from when I was 7. It said I really struggled to make friends, and when I did I'd always say mean things to them and not care about their feelings. I was fucking 7. I was doomed from the start. Things only went downhill from there and I won't even bore you with the details of my nightmare adulthood and abusive relationships.

I always said I'd die young. If I knew then what I know now, I'd die even younger.

 

[Ratbat]

The age for me was 7, when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. No, it wasn't a death sentence but it heavily changed my childhood. This was also the same year my brother was born. I basically raised him for several years until his dad and my mother's marriage fell apart.

Now he lives in another province and no longer speaks with me. So things just gradually became worse because we were torn away from each other and type 1 diabetes also invites other autoimmune diseases into your life.

I felt things were bad at 7 and learned over the years how much worse it was when my life became increasingly bad.

What about you guys? When or why did you figure out that things started to go downhill and brought you to this decision?

I guess what I'm trying to say is "What started it all?"

~ H x

For me.it was first day of hischool shud never habe gone

 

[ValideSultana]

The day I was conceived.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

13 I started to realize that a family member has been sexually assaulting me for years.

 

[Brazilzilzil]

It was when I was 16, I realized that I was a very ugly guy and would die alone, because of that I gave up on life, the last 10 were hell, life is not easy for ugly men.

 

[SeekingSolace]

I dunno. If I had to guess I would say after I moved to a new school. Then returning to my old school, and I noticed everyone forgotten me. Or maybe when I had that seizure since then I never felt the same. Looking back I was talkative that lasted until I became 10. Something woke inside me at a certain point in life for me. My childhood memories is not fully remembered. My memories are fragments that I remember. I don't have the whole puzzle figured out. I feel like there is trauma hidden in my memories. That my brain won't let me remember.

I understand this so much. I had my first seizure five years ago in my late twenties. I went from an independent person working on my Master's and suddenly I felt like all control over my life was gone. And I let go of the control...I pulled away from those I loved and allowed myself to feel broken. I feel ashamed I haven't tried harder. My seizures happen in embarrassing situations, and as a result of them I've broken many bones and had to have staples in my head. I've never felt more defeated than when I woke up in the ICU strapped to the bed by my wrists and ankles because I had suffered a head injury during the seizure and they had to make sure I didn't get up. I felt like every ounce of independence I once had was gone.

My family is not in my life; I live in another state with wonderful people I have met who love me very much. I feel so defeated because even though I have people who love and value me...I feel deflated. My mood swings are unnecessary and it's unfair to those in my life. This forum provides me intermittent comfort during difficult times. Makes me feel less broken.

I miss the memories I lost after each seizure; when I tell stories about my life before my seizures they don't even feel like they really happened to me...it just feels like I'm telling stories I've heard but didn't experience. I'm here for comfort, but I know I will likely never have the strength to end it. Even though my grandma has been gone a decade...I made her a promise and I just can't break it. So here I am. Thank you for letting me unload. Best wishes.

 

[terry_a_davis]

It went wrong for me in 2003 but i also had the greatest times of my life that year. The girl i should have married and had kids with, i did not show her that i loved her and wanted to settle down, so she left me. She got married and had 2 kids with the guy after me.

Within a few months of the breakup, probably as a coping strategy, I got into hard drugs and partied several times per week like it was my last days on earth. But after a few years the partying stopped but i was still an addict. It all resulted in serious mental health problems by 2010.

 

[134340]

2010, 2 weeks before my 12th birthday. My grandpa died horrifically right in front of me, which was obviously traumatizing on its own, but that also completely changed my relationship with my father and he became emotionally neglectful. Not to sound dramatic, but nothing was the same after that day.

 

[R_N]

The day I was born. :)

 

[Donk]

I can't remember an exact period in my life, but I could recall several moments in my life where things really sucked and pushed me to consider CTB. During childhood, I was different and home life was hell (to be fair, autism was not really talked about as much back in the 90's and as my parents were immigrants from East Asia, autism also wasn't really considered there), then during primary school, while at first I had some acquaintances, later during middle school and high school, I had fewer and fewer, (some pity pretend friends but those don't really 'count' as real relationships though) then coupled with a bad homelife and bullying (early high school), life sucked and I had seriously wished I was dead. Adult life was better in some ways, but still suck, but it's mostly due to how society is in general and also I don't ever talk about my problem anymore because people either dismiss them, downplay them, or just outright talk down to me and guilt/shame me. Fuck them, I'm just going to cope and try to lead a semi-hedonistic life (on my terms) until I get sick of life and/or something pushes me over the edge, then I'd CTB.

i can totally relate to this. i immigrated from east asia when i was 9. i didnt have any friends as kid and i was constantly bullied. i attempted ctb twice as a result. i still feel the pain from my childhood.

 

[Shero]

I was around 4-5 years old, childhood trauma. Then the chain reaction started.

 

[BabyYoda]

18, just last year during the first semester of college. Not because of academics but that was the time I was in love (and still am) with this certain person. I think it was my extreme obsession with him and my expectations that led me to this rabbit hole. This eventually gave way to anxiety, depression, cutting classes, overspending, and of course severe suicidal thoughts. My beliefs concerning relationships and life and general have drastically changed because of this. I no longer believed the fairy tales that were promoted on social media. When I tried to reach out for help there was this one particular person who became tired of me when he saw that I wasn't making any "progress". From that day on I avoided asking for help from anyone other than this site and whoever professionals are there in school.

I already passed my breaking point and I don't know how much pain I can handle anymore. My mental strength didn't seem to increase and instead it declined because the burden was too heavy. Now it's just difficult maintaining close relationships (in real life, particularly) without remembering this incident. It's even more difficult for me to believe that someone would be actually interested in a romantic relationship with me. I know if I didn't enlist for that specific class this wouldn't have happened. But how a simple decision can lead everything to go downhill is beyond me.

 

[Watcher]

Maybe i suffer depression since i was 4 year old, originated by a bad surgery practice. I was submitted to this process 4 times. And a huge scar across my stomach is the reminder of a bad diagnostic and negligent parents

 

[TheEndof]

Around 5. That's when the sexual abuse started.

 

[Skyview]

At 9 months !!!

 

[mouseteeth]

I can't really pinpoint it to an exact age.
I experienced truamas during my childhood that I guess you can say didn't affect me right away but had an impact that would shapee into who I'd become. So maybe it all came to fruition in my early teens. I think maybe 12-13 is when I first started to feel a true sense of alienation and not belonging. It's definitely when I started to just feel sad all the time and not know why.

 

[passenger27]

10. That's when I found out my dad had molested my sister.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm sorry to hear you suffer from such a young age... how did you manage to survive all these extra years? You made your age visible, you've been around for quite a while and I'm glad you stays around for as much as you do.... hugs for you, I wish you well

I'm embarrassed I'm still here. It's possible this site gives me meaning and that's why I've held on this long. I don't know but I feel it gets closer though. I might be here a long time b4 I go but I'm at very high risk of suicide. I'am a quiet borderline, and a prostitute for a living. I'm close to the breakpoint. I feel deeply ashamed that I can't seem to get out of this situation. Or maybe I'm so embittered by life that I don't even care to try to change anymore. I feel this is my identity so much that I can't change to anything else anymore. I'm just a broken old ho. I didn't intend this but it's what happened. Since I can't lead a normal life and have relationships, this place makes me feel I exist and I can connect to some degree. That's really why I'm still here. I don't leave my apartment that much or have many friends.

 

[End_Game]

Birth

 

[Broken Chimera]

A while before puberty. Even as a kid I knew I've seen and been through too much. I can't pinpoint it to one specific thing.

 

[RestrainedEmotion]

Honestly I would say the day I was born. My mother didn't really want me Mom and dad were always fighting or he didn't come home ( he was cheating on her he ended up marrying the other woman) they divorced we moved a couple years later her boyfriend moved in and thats when the hell really started. He was extremely abusive he would make me do things like kneel on the heat register holding up books for an hour or 2 if i dropped them i got a beating. Going to bed right after school no food i used to sneak into the kitchen to steal food. I got pregnant young had a forced abortion or as they like to call it a D&C. I took a lot of pills from my mom and was going to take them I told a friend she called my so called parent and I got a beating for that . I always threatened to call social services I was always too scared to. i got kicked out of school Then she kicked me out when I was 15 . I am almost 52 years old now and have been married almost 30 years no kids (I wonder why?). The past 5 years I have tried to CBT twice it is always on my mind my husband is keeping me here I couldn't do that to him as it would destroy him and who he is a person. He is so kind considerate,understanding,loving I could go on. He doesn't deserve that at all. There is so much more I cant go into some very deep dark secrets I am scared to share with anyone incase someone I know finds out.

 

[Nozzlehead]

Looking at pictures, I'd say when I was about 3 years of age.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Conception !!!
I guess that really isn't an age but if I could prevent it I would.

 

[waterbottleman]

My entire life.

People have never liked me all that much even though I've never really been bullied that badly. I had friends growing up but I was only really close friends with 2. One of them turned to hard core drugs towards the end of high school which I wasnt willing to follow, the other back stabbed me and made up a whole bunch of lies to the girl I liked so he could date her himself. Even among my group of friends I was the "odd one out" so to speak who I suspect people didnt really like all that much but only tolerated. Also at the same period of time my best friend back stabbed me and my friend group isolated themselves from me, my mom developed cancer in her lymph nodes.

Since high school ended I haven't talked to either since then and it's been about 10 years now, have no idea what they're doing and don't really care either.

Since high school I haven't had any friends, haven't been able to attract anyone to date, haven't had any sexual encounters/one night stands with anyone. I think I've had maybe one or two hugs that weren't platonic family/coworker hugs.

It wasn't until June of this year that this realization hit me. The realization that I'm approaching 30 and that I've been unloved, undesired, and disliked my entire life. Have been suicidal since this realization.

I hate to admit it because I dont like to sound like an entitled brat, but I feel betrayed by people. I've always been a kind and loving person, have never had any bad intentions towards anyone. I've always been polite to other people and encouraging, listening to them, and positive. I know theres a reason why people don't like me/ignore me but idk what it is. Whatever the reason, I don't feel like I deserve how I've been treated by people considering how kind I have been to others my entire life.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

My entire life.

People have never liked me all that much even though I've never really been bullied that badly. I had friends growing up but I was only really close friends with 2. One of them turned to hard core drugs towards the end of high school which I wasnt willing to follow, the other back stabbed me and made up a whole bunch of lies to the girl I liked so he could date her himself. Even among my group of friends I was the "odd one out" so to speak who I suspect people didnt really like all that much but only tolerated. Also at the same period of time my best friend back stabbed me and my friend group isolated themselves from me, my mom developed cancer in her lymph nodes.

Since high school ended I haven't talked to either since then and it's been about 10 years now, have no idea what they're doing and don't really care either.

Since high school I haven't had any friends, haven't been able to attract anyone to date, haven't had any sexual encounters/one night stands with anyone. I think I've had maybe one or two hugs that weren't platonic family/coworker hugs.

It wasn't until June of this year that this realization hit me. The realization that I'm approaching 30 and that I've been unloved, undesired, and disliked my entire life. Have been suicidal since this realization.

I hate to admit it because I dont like to sound like an entitled brat, but I feel betrayed by people. I've always been a kind and loving person, have never had any bad intentions towards anyone. I've always been polite to other people and encouraging, listening to them, and positive. I know theres a reason why people don't like me/ignore me but idk what it is. Whatever the reason, I don't feel like I deserve how I've been treated by people considering how kind I have been to others my entire life.

I feel the same. I haven't gone through exactly what you have but I have had similar experiences. I've never really fit in with any group of friends. I do have a few but sometimes if I don't text them first I won't hear from them for months. Maybe not that long for some... I don't know.
I haven't been in a relationship (couple) but it's brutal when they end. I guess all of them weren't but most. For now I'm done with that. I don't even want to be alive so being in a relationship is pointless.
For some reason whatever invisible sign I have on me just repels people. It's been that way my entire life. I don't really care anymore. I would rather be alone as I've grown to detest most people I meet. (IRL)

 

[Pallf]

I'm gonna say I was in 7th grade when things went downhill. By high school I was only showering once a week. Freshman year of University I started contemplating suicide. And now I'm here.

 

[SoyImbecilaburrido]

The age for me was 7, when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. No, it wasn't a death sentence but it heavily changed my childhood. This was also the same year my brother was born. I basically raised him for several years until his dad and my mother's marriage fell apart.

Now he lives in another province and no longer speaks with me. So things just gradually became worse because we were torn away from each other and type 1 diabetes also invites other autoimmune diseases into your life.

I felt things were bad at 7 and learned over the years how much worse it was when my life became increasingly bad.

What about you guys? When or why did you figure out that things started to go downhill and brought you to this decision?

I guess what I'm trying to say is "What started it all?"

~ H x

When i born the nurse, hit me, then others hets me, when i tried to star to talk, hit me again, naw i have 35, still hites me

When i born the nurse, hit me, then others hets me, when i tried to star to talk, hit me again, naw i have 35, still hites me

I think i had to never born, if everyone is hiting

 

[RealLifeTamagotchi]

When I was about 20. It's mostly my fault, since I have never been bullied, I have a loving family, etc.
I always had this idea that if I didn't excel at something, people wouldn't like me. I kept pushing myself through my school years.
Once I got into military nursing academy, I was so proud at first. I worked harder until I reached the point of burnout...and my grades started to plummet. I felt as if I had lost my reason to exist. School life was also hard but I told myself not to pity myself because everyone else is going through it. By the end of my 1st year, I started cutting.
Things got worse at 2nd year(age 20). I hated myself for becoming a low-performing cadet, and I ended up consuming 6000mg of caffeine. Somehow the medical staff and the officers believed my lie(I told them I overdosed by mistake), even though I had acidosis and hypokalemia from all the caffeine and vomiting...so I returned to school.
By 3rd year I was looking up Dignitas, Nembutal, Potassium Chloride, poisonous plants, etc on the internet. I was removing my own nails. At this point I was still hesitant about getting help because I thought I just had a weak willpower. Then the discipline officer found out about my self- harm scars and I got expelled. My self-esteem hit the bottom.
I managed to get into another school as an ordinary student nurse. At least I had something I wanted to do: to help others in mental pain as a psychiatric nurse. But after having a mental breakdown in a psychiatric ward the professor decided that psychiatry is not my career.
Now I'm taking a year off from school and I don't know what to do. Already wasted a month and feeling more and more useless as time goes by.

 

[kohaku]

7
started going to elementary school
on top of everyone ignoring me and others hurting me, so did my dad and i just wondered why no one liked me despite how hard i tried?
fuck yeah i'm getting emotional flashbacks again