Discussion Anyone else with babies feel like they have to ctb before the baby grows up?

[5417807]

Maybe it's because I was traumatised by my parent and grandparents trying to CTB multiple times throughout my life but I keep thinking that I have to CTB before my baby remembers who I am.
I love my baby and I don't want to hurt them, they know I'm dada but I was convinced I'd be gone before they could even crawl and they're almost walking now. It feels like my time is really running out, anyone else relate?

 

[Anon1337]

Honestly, I feel you have a moral obligation to look after them until they are at least 18. Fathers play an important role in child development.

 

[5417807]

Honestly, I feel you have a moral obligation to look after them until they are at least 18. Fathers play an important role in child development.

My baby has two fathers. Me and my husband, me not being in my kids life only means they won't experience as much bullying for having two dads

 

[punkarmadillo]

My child's older now ( under 12) and I'm convinced that they would be a lot better off without me.

 

[5417807]

My child's older now ( under 12) and I'm convinced that they would be a lot better off without me.

It's hard, I 100% understand the better off without me feeling, obviously I know nothing of your situation but for me I know for fact my child's life would be easier without me so I can really empathise with you

 

[punkarmadillo]

It's hard, I 100% understand the better off without me feeling, obviously I know nothing of your situation but for me I know for fact my child's life would be easier without me so I can really empathise with you

Constantly trying to decide what's worse risking fucking them up by CTB with cosmic wheels, or fucking it up by carrying on existing. Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

 

[lionetta12]

Maybe it's because I was traumatised by my parent and grandparents trying to CTB multiple times throughout my life but I keep thinking that I have to CTB before my baby remembers who I am.
I love my baby and I don't want to hurt them, they know I'm dada but I was convinced I'd be gone before they could even crawl and they're almost walking now. It feels like my time is really running out, anyone else relate?

Personally, I would probably CTB before they can remember me if I was in such situation. Growing up with dysfunctional parents where one side of my family has history of suicide and suicide attempts, I was constantly worried as a kid and cried over the fact that I was worried about my mom ever suiciding so I felt an extra burden of having to take care of her all the time and be her mom in a sense. I have a lot of trauma over it now and I can't talk to her anymore because it triggers my PTSD so much.

 

[5417807]

Personally, I would probably CTB before they can remember me if I was in such situation. Growing up with dysfunctional parents where one side of my family has history of suicide and suicide attempts, I was constantly worried as a kid and cried over the fact that I was worried about my mom ever suiciding so I felt an extra burden of having to take care of her all the time and be her mom in a sense. I have a lot of trauma over it now and I can't talk to her anymore because it triggers my PTSD so much.

That's how it was for me in the past too, why I feel like my time is running out to do it. I'd rather die now then fuck them up later in life bc I know how much it fucked me up and it started when I was like 4 years old

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

I was trying to heal from MH issues before having kids, but now I think I might CTB before having kids. Life is just too hard & I don't want to scar anyone else.

 

[theboy]

Sorry for the question
Do you have a husband/partner?

 

[5417807]

Personally, I would probably CTB before they can remember me if I was in such situation. Growing up with dysfunctional parents where one side of my family has history of suicide and suicide attempts, I was constantly worried as a kid and cried over the fact that I was worried about my mom ever suiciding so I felt an extra burden of having to take care of her all the time and be her mom in a sense. I have a lot of trauma over it now and I can't talk to her anymore because it triggers my PTSD so much.

I feel you, I had a similar thing with my parents and grandparents. That's why I think I should do it as soon as possible and make sure my partner cuts my family off from kiddos life

Sorry for the question
Do you have a husband/partner?

I have a husband, we're gay so that has its own social consequences for my child. It'd be easier for them to have one dad then two

 

[true-ending]

I feel you, I had a similar thing with my parents and grandparents. That's why I think I should do it as soon as possible and make sure my partner cuts my family off from kiddos life

I have a husband, we're gay so that has its own social consequences for my child. It'd be easier for them to have one dad then two

i'm not going to try to convince you to stay like a pro-lifer, but your logic here is very flawed. while they may experience bullying, if they have 1 father theyll grow up mourning the concept of you. you'll end up making them wonder, constantly, if it was perhaps their fault. if they were just that stressful. at least address this in your suicide note. theyll constantly think about a life where they had two parents.

 

[5417807]

i'm not going to try to convince you to stay like a pro-lifer, but your logic here is very flawed. while they may experience bullying, if they have 1 father theyll grow up mourning the concept of you. you'll end up making them wonder, constantly, if it was perhaps their fault. if they were just that stressful. at least address this in your suicide note. theyll constantly think about a life where they had two parents.

It's not very flawed. I've discussed it at length with multiple therapists.
Even when me and my husband go out people always ask where is the mother. People assume any woman I'm with is the sole care taker of my baby. my child will always grow up with the feeling of missing a parent even if I'm alive because everything in society tells them they should have a mother.
They will grow to hate having gay parents because of the discrimination our love causes them. baby is about one year old and since they were born we've dealt with a lot. when me and my husband have been holding hands in public with our stroller we've been followed home and harassed. We've had our home broken into and targeted with broken glass, dog shit and homophobic threats left outside our door. Drunks and locals from the methadone clinic gather in our garden and hurl slurs at us. We've had authorities called on us from people who believe gay people should not have children. We have a community worker who helps us deal with this and is trying to find us a safer area to live but lots of landlords won't take gay tenants for these reasons. None of this would have happened if I was dead, my husband is a great father and doesn't deserve the hardships of being openly gay in a highly homophobic area.
I grew up with a single parent and never thought about a life with two parents. One of my parents killed themself and I never wondered if it was my fault. My baby will be well looked after if not better looked after when I'm gone because they won't have to deal with me being on psychiatric holds. Even if it does effect them, in the long term Dealing with the discrimination of their parents and seeing how mentally sick it makes me would damage them more then having a single parent

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I don't really understand why you brought a child into the world in the first place if you feel like this tbh-it must've been planned and you must've wanted this. I think you should stick around for them. Imagine how much worse things will be for your partner if you leave.

 

[5417807]

I don't really understand why you brought a child into the world in the first place if you feel like this tbh-it must've been planned and you must've wanted this. I think you should stick around for them. Imagine how much worse things will be for your partner if you leave.

I didn't feel like this until after they were born.
I was medicated, sober and had not been happier in my life when we chose to have a baby. I was in a traumatic accident a week before they were born and things have only gotten worse in the last year. I have brain damage now and for some time I lost my ability to control my bowls or bladder and was in adult diapers and recovering from surgeries where I almost died the first week they were home with us, I have a chronic back and leg problem that effects my mobility now. my partner is basically my career and has to look after both of us. I love my baby but I don't want them to care for me or have to deal with the bullying that comes with a disabled or two gay parents. My partner knows I want to die and accepts that and is very pro choice

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@5417807 ah sorry man that sounds really rough, sorry if I was being a bit hard on you I didn't know your circumstances. No one should be bullying your child for being disabled or a gay parent and you don't even know if that's going to happen. It sounds like you've been through a huge amount of stuff in a short space of time and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, anyone would. I hope you can get some support and help.

 

[5417807]

@5417807 ah sorry man that sounds really rough, sorry if I was being a bit hard on you I didn't know your circumstances. No one should be bullying your child for being disabled or a gay parent and you don't even know if that's going to happen. It sounds like you've been through a huge amount of stuff in a short space of time and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, anyone would. I hope you can get some support and help.

It's okay bro, its a site lots of people use for being emotional so I expect emotional reactions happen sometimes, people are pretty quick to judge others reasons to ctb and anti-natalists tend to judge especially hard here. If when I had my accident I could go back and tell myself to not make a baby I would. things in my area are getting worse for gay and disabled acceptance. My family is already targeted for homophobia as I've explained in other comments. my crutches were actually stolen off my front door step not long ago and people with mobility aids have been targeted more frequently for robberies and muggings lately. So it's a sad truth that these things will effect my baby.
Thank you, I'm getting discharged from my care team and hopefully into another that can help with better accommodations soon

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@5417807 god that's awful, can't believe people are so cruel where you live! I hope you get somewhere much better, not everywhere is like that (at least I hope not) your child will absolutely want you around no matter what disability or sexuality and other people's opinions don't matter-if they are giving you abuse report them.

 

[darklight442]

@5417807 I just joined this site and came across you post and had a feeling in a my chest that I should reply. I hear that you say you don't want to hurt your baby, then why try to CTB when doing that will directly hurt this child the most. My boyfriend of two years was also raised by a single mom who had/has significant mental health issues throughout his life. She was neglectful, inattentive and they were extremely poor growing up. Throughout all that she tried to CTB and this took an emotional toll on him that i wouldn't wish on anybody. Even though he was 17 when she tried to CTB, he is still deeply traumatized and would never wish his mom was gone even with the horrible things she may have done in the past. What I really want you to know is that you are this baby's everything, you and your husband are the caretakers of this baby and once you agreed to be this baby's father there is no ways out of it anymore. You kind of have to suck it up and try your best for you baby and just being there and present with them will be enough for right now. I hear when you say your childhood and adult hood have been extremely rough and traumatizing and I am so sorry that this has happened to you, however only you can make the choice to end this generational trauma by choosing to live for your child. I bet your child will be so proud that you chose to be there for them and all the discrimination you dealt with will be very brave to this baby. I know that i'm not you, and that this is your life and your consequences but from someone who cares about your situation please stay for your baby.

 

[5417807]

@5417807 I just joined this site and came across you post and had a feeling in a my chest that I should reply. I hear that you say you don't want to hurt your baby, then why try to CTB when doing that will directly hurt this child the most. My boyfriend of two years was also raised by a single mom who had/has significant mental health issues throughout his life. She was neglectful, inattentive and they were extremely poor growing up. Throughout all that she tried to CTB and this took an emotional toll on him that i wouldn't wish on anybody. Even though he was 17 when she tried to CTB, he is still deeply traumatized and would never wish his mom was gone even with the horrible things she may have done in the past. What I really want you to know is that you are this baby's everything, you and your husband are the caretakers of this baby and once you agreed to be this baby's father there is no ways out of it anymore. You kind of have to suck it up and try your best for you baby and just being there and present with them will be enough for right now. I hear when you say your childhood and adult hood have been extremely rough and traumatizing and I am so sorry that this has happened to you, however only you can make the choice to end this generational trauma by choosing to live for your child. I bet your child will be so proud that you chose to be there for them and all the discrimination you dealt with will be very brave to this baby. I know that i'm not you, and that this is your life and your consequences but from someone who cares about your situation please stay for your baby.

Me catching the bus hurts no one.
When my grandmother CTB I was happy she was finally able to stop suffering.
I wish my mother had successfully CTB instead of being as Ill as she was. I found her dead or passed out and called the police multiple time from the age of 4 until she abandoned me, only to be her emergency contact and have to deal with her psychotic episodes again. I can stop my child witnessing those same horrors I did by CTB before they're old enough to know they ever had another dad.
My child will be fine with one parent and the village they have. Don't bring pro life shit about living for others, my baby will be in better hands then they are in mine. Me living will only hurt my child because they'll inherit my mental illness from watching me be sick like I inherited from my parents by watching them be sick. If I was dead my partner and baby would get the help single parents get & not be facing homelessness because of my illnesses. I am not my babies care taker. I'm so sick that I cannot live in the same house as my baby or my partner right now because they don't need to see me this sick. I get to see them once or twice a week outside of a hospital ward if we're lucky.

 

[Gaga786]

It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. I can understand all sides, but I must say that you should do you what you think is best. Only you can know.Please take care of yourself and let me know if there's anything I can do to offer support during this situation.I wish you and your family the best.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

@5417807 I just joined this site and came across you post and had a feeling in a my chest that I should reply. I hear that you say you don't want to hurt your baby, then why try to CTB when doing that will directly hurt this child the most. My boyfriend of two years was also raised by a single mom who had/has significant mental health issues throughout his life. She was neglectful, inattentive and they were extremely poor growing up. Throughout all that she tried to CTB and this took an emotional toll on him that i wouldn't wish on anybody. Even though he was 17 when she tried to CTB, he is still deeply traumatized and would never wish his mom was gone even with the horrible things she may have done in the past. What I really want you to know is that you are this baby's everything, you and your husband are the caretakers of this baby and once you agreed to be this baby's father there is no ways out of it anymore. You kind of have to suck it up and try your best for you baby and just being there and present with them will be enough for right now. I hear when you say your childhood and adult hood have been extremely rough and traumatizing and I am so sorry that this has happened to you, however only you can make the choice to end this generational trauma by choosing to live for your child. I bet your child will be so proud that you chose to be there for them and all the discrimination you dealt with will be very brave to this baby. I know that i'm not you, and that this is your life and your consequences but from someone who cares about your situation please stay for your baby.

There's always some one-sided story that someone can pull out of a hat to say that a parent should stick around for the child no matter what.

Then there are all the damaged children, now-adults who are suffering, and wished they had a better upbringing. Hell that's why adoption was created. And I do personally know several people who are very thankful they had wonderful adoptive parents; and without malice thank their biological parent for making an unselfish decision.

You have some nerve coming here and telling someone to "suck it up". Get out of here with that nonsense.

 

[hellispink]

If I was a parent, I would leave them before they are able to remember me. I am poison and miserable person. I don't wanna hurt or be part of their existence because I would only hurt them with my instability and my rollercoaster of mentally sick illness. If I didn't leave on time they be traumatized later on once i do it so I would never risk it or wait around it.