Anyone else wish they had killed themselves earlier?

[NitriteAnatomy]

Yes. December 3, 2008, when I had to hold my firstborn son, as he lived for 5min and died. My world effectively ended that day and has only gotten worse.

 

[notjustyetagain]

yes, wish my previous attempts had worked instead of leaving me permanently damaged. i really should have gone by age 12-3 though, things have just gotten worse since then. i regret most of my life, but especially the last 15 years. there's zero indication that things can possibly improve, and every indication that the next 1-40 years will leave me in a far worse state. whenever i have SI-related feelings this acknowledgement has become a mantra: there might not be a 100% reliable method but things getting significantly worse is a certainty. there's no escape but the final escape, and the sooner i fully internalise that the better.

 

[Sweet Release]

Yes I feel that way too.
If I had killed myself when my life first fell apart then I wouldn't be thinking about it years later when I am now just a broken loser.
Even though it feels really bad to say this it would have also been a strong message to the people who laughed at my downfall that they were wrong. I guess that can be taken as playing guilt games but I was so angry and hurt.
Anyway, you are not alone in how you feel.

 

[Empty Smile]

As many times as I wished I ended it years ago, 2014 was the collapse of my existence. Not a fucking clue as to why I'm still here.

 

[Sweet Release]

As many times as I wished I ended it years ago, 2014 was the collapse of my existence. Not a fucking clue as to why I'm still here.

If its any help I can relate.
Yeah I got to that point where I just thought to myself WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP LIVING? Everything that I worked so hard far was destroyed years ago so what am I holding on for?

 

[Empty Smile]

If its any help I can relate.
Yeah I got to that point where I just thought to myself WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP LIVING? Everything that I worked so hard far was destroyed years ago so what am I holding on for?

Exactly my feelings. My life was completely turned upside down and destroyed 5 years ago. Nothing has changed between then and now, and I have done nothing to try to improve it. Every step I take forward, I get knocked back 10. It's fucking pointless.

 

[SuicideBlonde76]

Yes I wish I would have done it 7 years ago when the love of my life left me. My life has been miserable since & just keeps getting worse.

 

[marcusuk63]

Definitely , i`d be a long distant memory by now.

 

[deflagrat]

Believe or not it would have been a mistake. There are many things I didn't know back then. For example, that my parents will just take care of me until they die, or that I would have disability benefits in the first try, or that my anhedonia would go away after changing medication, or that my depression would end up being fixed with APs, or that my mind would mature a lot at 27... I was stupid for not seeing the good in my life, I was only focusing in what I didn't have...

 

[BridgeJumper]

Every single day of my pathethic life. I should have been dead by the time I turned 13. I wish I could go back in time and tell my mother to abort me. And if she refused, show her a vision of me strapped down to a metal bed in psych ward, delirious, wide eyed and screaming my ass off

 

[NBreatheMe]

Yeah, I remember I was 10 the first time it cross my mind. I promised myself I'd do it if nothing gets better by the time I start the uni. A month before start my first year at university I tried but didn't get far.
My mom was at the hospital and my dad acompanied her, my sister go out with her bf, looked like the perfect day to do it, but at the moment the knife cruch my wrist my best friend called me, we go out and have lunch together, I struggled to hide the blood in my sweater.
However, I held to the idea there's was something left, and I did try for the next 5 years. Nothings gets better, it even got worse in the last 2 years.
Wish I haven't answered the call that day, I'd has save myself to live a lot of shit.

 

[rata1]

my life has no sense since a long long time. i always knew this but never managed to go the final step. i really really regret to not have done it yet exactly because of the senselessness of my life. life is hard, has no sense but still i am here.... i would love to have it done, it would be so nice, its like a dream for me, being finaly freed of the prison called 'my life'

 

[Mr2005]

It doesn't seem worth regretting

 

[Journeytoletgo]

If only I had known there was the option at age 14 I would have attempted. It just wasn't something I was aware of yet, I was naive and sheltered until I begun to experience the outside world on my own and gaining my own conclusions with everything around me. If only I had knew I would have not been here contemplating now and living in perpetual torture until I decide for good that's it.

 

[Moonicide]

Yes. I wish I had done it much more younger and sooner instead of my late 20s.
I've wasted so much time as I had been hopeful things would get better. I really did try and fight to live. I've actively been in treatment, medication, outpatient programs, but also suffer from physical ailments too. The older I got, the more I deteriorated... It was a losing battle for me.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

Definitely. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and even actions as a child. There were several occasions prior to the age of ten where I'd try to suffocate myself simply by holding my breath. I was always quite disappointed when it didn't work but I was too young, and, accordingly, dumb, to figure out why.

Those thoughts died down for a while until I hit 14 and experienced a sexual assault. I thought about it, and killing myself to escape my body which constantly reminds me of it, nonstop. I lost my head for a while, and my own mother decided to send me away to live with her sister, who she knew was violent and crazy, because she just didn't want to deal with my anymore.

The abuse I suffered while living there for the eleven months that I did were equally painful as the assault, everyday, for damn near a year, and the degree of control she exercised over me prevented me evacuating existence during that time.

If I'd just caught the bus in the few weeks following the assault I could have spared myself that hellish almost-year, and spared a dear friend/almost lover who came into my life after that era the pain of my death, the thought of which is one of my anchors to this ugly world.

 

[lowres]

I should of done it at 15 thats when I my downward spiral changed to a 20 meter per second drop to hell. My appendix ruptured at 14, docs sent me home and it got pretty bad, nearly killing me before i went back to the hospital. I wish it did

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Omg FUCK YES...

 

[I’vehadenough]

Yeah, I nearly drowned when I was a kid. I now wish my uncle didn't save me. Then I wouldn't have known a life this bad

 

[MissNietzsche]

I actually moved out of my parent's house to get a nitrogen kit shipped to me.

I fell in love and I didn't go through with it.

That was three years ago, and now you can't buy N ad easily online anymore, so it's a huge process, and now I might actually have to go through SN instead.

Within though three years, 95% of that was pain and 5% of it was happy. Yes, sometimes I was like, "I'm really glad I'm alive to experience these happy times," but 95% pain is way too fucking much, so most of the time, I say to myself, "I wish I had just killed myself when I had the chance.

I did fall in love, but it was all a lie. Wasted my opportunity smh

 

[Ame]

Yes. I wish I had done it much more younger and sooner instead of my late 20s.
I've wasted so much time as I had been hopeful things would get better. I really did try and fight to live. I've actively been in treatment, medication, outpatient programs, but also suffer from physical ailments too. The older I got, the more I deteriorated... It was a losing battle for me.

My sentiments exactly, from the age range to all of the time and energy wasted on the no doubt costly treatments that I have undertaken so that I might be able to live. Some here have mentioned 2014 as being a terrible year and I am the same in that I wish I had ended it all back then. Others would have been more deserving and made much better use of the support that I was so luck to have received. Now my parents are left with the dishonour of having to mourn my failures rather than my potential.

 

[Return2Dust]

I wish I had killed myself a few weeks ago on my Birthday - before my family vacation. I plan to CTB next week when the vacation is over. Things did not go well. Now, I.AM.SO.TIRED.

 

[Conker]

No, I'm actually thankful my past me didn't as I'm now more better prepared than I ever have been for whatever may await after. So many ways to be deceived into reincarnating once again, especially since death is no cure for ignorance. Despite knowing more the hopelessness & fear remains..

Can't let fear paralyze you though from doing what needs to be done.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Always. Especially before my nephew was born.

 

[Wayfaerer]

At this point? Yeah, I feel that it would've been more dignified.

 

[Scooby-Doo]

I took aload of paracetamol when I was 20. It was touch and go whether I lived. I wish I had died.

 

[throwaway123]

You always kill yourself too late.