NSFW Anyone Else Want To Go Out Painfully?

[HuskyD'hiver]

CONTENT WARNING: I get pretty graphic with methods of CTBing
I personally have ruminated on making this post for a few weeks now, but I felt best to do it today.

I truly do hate myself, so every once in a while I imagine all of the ways I want to CTB; during these, I sometimes hope for it to be a painful as possible... The way I see it is that CTBing in a painful way is my punishment because in my mind that is what I deserve for being a failure and a waste of existence...
I don't have a plan and as of now I have not self-harmed or attempted recently; however, there are a handful of times when my SI gets the hold of my mind and it comes up with dozens of way to go out; each more painful than the last... I can imagine myself doing the simple ways to CTB: jumping, ODing, slice to the jugular, etc. After a while though is when it gets really brutal...
The main ones I have thought about recently are methods such as: Smashing my head against the wall until I pass out, smashing my head against a corner until my brains explode out, stabbing myself in the neck repeatedly, slowly slicing open my neck, cutting off body parts one by one (usually my male parts, then fingers and toes, then whole limbs), disemboweling myself with a knife, ripping out my lungs and heart, stabbing myself in the face and brain, spooning out my eyes, brutally castrating myself, breaking my bones one by one, drowning, hanging, electrocuting myself, and ODing with something that wouldn't be fun to OD with, like Benadryl or some hard drugs like opioids or fentanyl... However, the main one I think about more then anything else: Skinning myself alive...
I say all of this because I've thought about this stuff on a daily basis recently and I do wonder if anyone else feels this way? I personally do want to go out in one of these ways, but I don't have a specific reason to why I visulize about these so often and so graphically... I don't have schizophrenia (at least not being diagnosed with it; I am paranoid a lot, never by people, but instead the "monsters" that I imagine are out to get me and behind me {SCPs, Creepypastas, etc.}), I don't take any medication that would do this; the only reason I can think is that I have an overly active imagination...
But I do want to know if anyone else feels this way, because I have seen a suprising lack of these thoughts throughout the SS forums?

 

[Eudaimonic]

I often imagine violent ways as a kind of catharsis, but in actuality, I'd want to go out as peacefully as possible.

 

[fuzzy-clown]

Sometimes I think about self immolation. But I think hanging or jumping would be painful enough to make me feel like I've been punished enough.

 

[4g1vvvven]

Pain in CTB attempts seems to prompt SI/aborting the attempt for me.

I don't associate violent methods with pain, some ODs are brutal but leave the body presentable, having your head explode on the other hand would probably be too immediate to register pain.

I don't want to go out painfully if possible, seems to be the price of admission for many/most though.

The appeal of catching that bus is ending my pain, not increasing it.

 

[Ethernatuskoi]

I also have thought about brutal methods, such as poisoning myself, setting myself on fire or throwing myself in front of a speeding train. But despite everything, i don't have the courage to do most of these things thanks to the SI, but i admit if i had access to cyanide pills or a gun i would have ctb by now.

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

I don't have the courage, so I can only imagine immolating or electrocuting myself. I get the self-hatred part and feel like it allows me to atone all the disgusting things I am. My ideal method might be shotgun suicide tho, just for the sake of eviscerating myself, while allowing me to stay a coward with my SI. I can't get to a fucking gun in EU countries, but I guess there's always suicide by cop lmao.

 

[bettertosleep]

i fantasize about cutting my arms and neck extremely deep and bleeding out, not because i think i deserve the pain but because i just like the idea of how my dead body would look. when i used to self harm i would try to cut as deep as i could, but i could only hit the dermis layer before the pain became way too much for me, so i don't think i could ctb in my desired way

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Just want to get to sleep and never wake up.

 

[timetodie24]

yes. I really want a slow and painful death like I deserve . I'm a truly hideous person inside and out. I deserve to suffer. I often fantasise about brutal methods. Not sure i'd actually go that way though as my worry is that some slow and painful methods are unreliable.

If I had the guts i'd jump in front of a train as usually effective and quick but brutal .
If I could access it I'd probably use cyanide as too quick for anyone to intervene but still very painful:

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

There is a part of me that wants to cut my stomach and throat, in that order, and then wait until my wounds get infected (I doubt you can even bleed to death from that.)
Possibly one of the most painful suicide methods that you can still technically do without help and still die from it.

Sometimes I want to go into the bathtub and throw a toaster into it just to see if I can actually die from that. Or put a fork into a wall socket to eletracute myself.

In reality, I'd likely chicken out using any of these and effeciantcy goes before masochistic fantasy. So I'll stick with strangulation via tournique or using a rope.
There is a part of me that wants to cut my stomach and throat, in that order, and then wait until my wounds get infected (I doubt you can even bleed to death from that.)
Possibly one of the most painful suicide methods that you can still technically do without help and still die from it.

Sometimes I want to go into the bathtub and throw a toaster into it just to see if I can actually die from that. Or put a fork into a wall socket to eletracute myself.

In reality, I'd likely chicken out using any of these and effeciantcy goes before masochistic fantasy. So I'll stick with strangulation via tournique or using a rope.

 

[mortuarymary]

No violence, just go off to sleep.

 

[iwantodie89]

You are brave to want to do that. I'm too much of a wimp and I just want to go asleep and not wake up.

 

[AMshed]

You are one crazy mf that's for sure goddamn

 

[Meimi18]

I think about setting myself on fire a lot. Obviously terrible way to go out so I won't, but it's a nice thought sometimes