Anyone else terrified of CTB but wants to die of a natural death?

[corvoscuro]

When I tried partial I almost succeeded and I was barely able to free myself. During the all time I was terrified of death as SI kicked in, and I was fully conscious. It really traumatized me. Now I always hope I won't wake up next morning, or to have a heart attack or something. Something quick and sudden.
But I lack the courage to do it myself, maybe if I had a gun it would be different, it's quick so you don't even have time to process everything. This is a nightmare.

 

[Weebster]

Yes, I would say it's universal. Seriously hoping to not wake up or have a heart attack, etc is a waste of energy. It's probably not going to happen soon.

 

[Loaf of bread]

SI can be terrifying and overwhelming, sorry you had to go through that.

I also wish I could die a peaceful, natural death.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult, there is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I want to die a natural death, like peacefully passing away in my sleep, but I believe that only very old people die that way. It is a terrible world we live in where people have to resort to risky methods to end their pain, a peaceful suicide should be a human right. Trying to force people to live in a world with unlimited potential for suffering is cruel.

 

[Rational man]

My fear of death is,less now im chronically sick, following coronavirus vax. My abdominal pains are relentless. Ctb or assistance in dying are accepted by me because i will soon die anyways. My SI is non existent. Maybe my situation has killed the need to survive.

 

[symphony]

Most natural deaths are extremely shitty, too. The only difference being you're not in control of it. On one hand, that means fear and SI won't force you to stick around; on the other, it means you have less agency in determining your end.

 

[Al_stargate]

You can overeat on junkfood and the best case you die when 50 of heart attack. Meanwhile being fat, unhealthy, and even more miserable. I can't think of another way to die naturally willing it. You could try and contract a fatal virus or eaten by a wild animal if considering that natural, which would be hard to find and a horrible way to go.

 

[deathbydragon]

Dying in your sleep is such a lucky way to go. That's the dream.

 

[its-about-time]

My dream maybe just maybe is coming true. I saw a doctor yesterday to complain about kinda intense symptoms that have lasted for 4+ months. He casually mentioned cancer as like a "we'll just check to be safe" thing, but in my chart note that I just read he wrote that he's most concerned about it being cancer. I'm getting a CT scan so we'll see. Fingers crossed. Still a long shot, but I'm rooting for it.

If it's cancer, I just won't treat it. I'll get to die with lots of pain and anxiety meds surrounded by loved ones. Does it get much better than that? No. If it's not cancer, I'll have my SN.

 

[Chiisai]

When I tried partial I almost succeeded and I was barely able to free myself. During the all time I was terrified of death as SI kicked in, and I was fully conscious. It really traumatized me. Now I always hope I won't wake up next morning, or to have a heart attack or something. Something quick and sudden.
But I lack the courage to do it myself, maybe if I had a gun it would be different, it's quick so you don't even have time to process everything. This is a nightmare.

I feel you. I have been wanting to CTB even wishing not to wake up though now, I am afraid to do it by my own hands in fear of violating my religious beliefs. However, if I can no longer endure much more of this, I can only hope The Creator forgive me for doing so.

 

[_Seeking]

I would prefer to die from Nembutal than a natural death. I watched my mom die of cancer and it was frighteningly painful despite being on heavy painkillers.

 

[Chiisai]

I heard Fentanyl is peaceful. If only it is possible to acquire, I'd be in peace right now.

 

[DeepSlumber]

Dying in your sleep is such a lucky way to go. That's the dream.

My cousin had just retired a week prior to going to Hawaii. She was in shallow water with a mask on, looking at all the fish. Someone said to my sister, still on the beach, sn't that your friend?" as the person pointed to my cousin who was just floating face down. She had had a heart attack and died while floating in the ocean looking at the colorful fish. Pretty damn peaceful if you ask me. Just like the womb again. (except for the mask and snorkel;;tee hee)
She was a nice person. I'm glad she passed so gently. I may go to Joe's Crab Shack and try my luck sticking my head in the aquarium. But I don't want to get a fatal case of crabs, so maybe chicken wire 'round the head. If you go to Snata Cruz and paddle out and take a nap on a surfboard or in a kayak with Nembutal, there;s a great chance of getting eaten by a great white. But there;s also the chance of some surfers rescuing you. Bummer.

 

[Al_stargate]

My dream maybe just maybe is coming true. I saw a doctor yesterday to complain about kinda intense symptoms that have lasted for 4+ months. He casually mentioned cancer as like a "we'll just check to be safe" thing, but in my chart note that I just read he wrote that he's most concerned about it being cancer. I'm getting a CT scan so we'll see. Fingers crossed. Still a long shot, but I'm rooting for it.

If it's cancer, I just won't treat it. I'll get to die with lots of pain and anxiety meds surrounded by loved ones. Does it get much better than that? No. If it's not cancer, I'll have my SN.

Let us know. Not a good way to go but at least not dying by own hand. I'm kinda superstitious so afraid of judgment when killing myself.

 

[Romeo1984]

My dream maybe just maybe is coming true. I saw a doctor yesterday to complain about kinda intense symptoms that have lasted for 4+ months. He casually mentioned cancer as like a "we'll just check to be safe" thing, but in my chart note that I just read he wrote that he's most concerned about it being cancer. I'm getting a CT scan so we'll see. Fingers crossed. Still a long shot, but I'm rooting for it.

If it's cancer, I just won't treat it. I'll get to die with lots of pain and anxiety meds surrounded by loved ones. Does it get much better than that? No. If it's not cancer, I'll have my SN.

Death from cancer is not peaceful and quick. I know this because I have lost relatives and friends to this disease.
Cancer is expected to cause a lot of pain and suffering. At a certain point, not even the most potent drugs will be able to relieve the pain and you may spend days screaming in pain.
You won't be able to rest. Sleeping will be very complicated.
You may become weak and any attempt to eat will be in vain as your body will reject traditional food.
And there are few types of cancer that can kill you fast, such as pancreatic cancer. For the vast majority, it will be months before they succumb.

If there's one good thing about dying of cancer, it's that it will allow you to say goodbye to friends and family. And in the end, you will die like a hero and not a "selfish/weak".
There will be time for a "to do list before you die".
However, the disease will drag everyone who loves you, to suffering, sadness and anguish for months until your death.
In the terminal phase, depending on the situation, your suffering will be so great that many will have compassion and wish it all to end soon.
Either way, it will be terrible for everyone.

So dying of cancer is not easy. There will be suffering and probably for a long time.

I really want to die naturally.
The heart suddenly stopped beating would also be great.
Going to sleep and not waking up would be perfect.
But I understand you. If I had the diagnosis of cancer, I would accept it and do only palliative treatment.
Even knowing about the negative points of cancer, in a way it would bring me peace.

Be well and I wish you the best.

 

[its-about-time]

Death from cancer is not peaceful and quick. I know this because I have lost relatives and friends to this disease.
Cancer is expected to cause a lot of pain and suffering. At a certain point, not even the most potent drugs will be able to relieve the pain and you may spend days screaming in pain.
You won't be able to rest. Sleeping will be very complicated.
You may become weak and any attempt to eat will be in vain as your body will reject traditional food.
And there are few types of cancer that can kill you fast, such as pancreatic cancer. For the vast majority, it will be months before they succumb.

If there's one good thing about dying of cancer, it's that it will allow you to say goodbye to friends and family. And in the end, you will die like a hero and not a "selfish/weak".
There will be time for a "to do list before you die".
However, the disease will drag everyone who loves you, to suffering, sadness and anguish for months until your death.
In the terminal phase, depending on the situation, your suffering will be so great that many will have compassion and wish it all to end soon.
Either way, it will be terrible for everyone.

So dying of cancer is not easy. There will be suffering and probably for a long time.

I really want to die naturally.
The heart suddenly stopped beating would also be great.
Going to sleep and not waking up would be perfect.
But I understand you. If I had the diagnosis of cancer, I would accept it and do only palliative treatment.
Even knowing about the negative points of cancer, in a way it would bring me peace.

Be well and I wish you the best.

It really does sound awful. I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences with loved ones. After I posted this yesterday, I started thinking about that and realized I'd probably end up still going the SN route in the end. It would still be easier on my family maybe, because at that point they would realize I'm ending my suffering. Funny how people understand ending physical suffering from something like cancer but not chronic pain or mental suffering.

It won't be simple if I do have cancer. I fully expect a legal battle if I were to decline to treat any cancer I have. The right to refuse doesn't apply to everyone. So, really there's not much for me to do besides the imaging tests I've been asked to do, and to wait to see what's happening.

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

My dream maybe just maybe is coming true. I saw a doctor yesterday to complain about kinda intense symptoms that have lasted for 4+ months. He casually mentioned cancer as like a "we'll just check to be safe" thing, but in my chart note that I just read he wrote that he's most concerned about it being cancer. I'm getting a CT scan so we'll see. Fingers crossed. Still a long shot, but I'm rooting for it.

If it's cancer, I just won't treat it. I'll get to die with lots of pain and anxiety meds surrounded by loved ones. Does it get much better than that? No. If it's not cancer, I'll have my SN.

I've had this fantasy too! I wonder if your perspective would suddenly change if you found you did have cancer.

 

[its-about-time]

I've had this fantasy too! I wonder if your perspective would suddenly change if you found you did have cancer.

Knowing me… probably I'll get told it's terminal and there's no hope for treatment and suddenly I'll have some insane will to live. I think I just have to be unhappy with everything.

I'll let everyone know what ends up happening! It's really probably unlikely even though the doc is worried about it. I've been worried about it too in recent months because of my symptoms, but I'm never accurate with my anxious self-diagnosing and I was shocked that the doctor brought it up at all. We shall see, we shall see.

 

[Rational man]

My dream maybe just maybe is coming true. I saw a doctor yesterday to complain about kinda intense symptoms that have lasted for 4+ months. He casually mentioned cancer as like a "we'll just check to be safe" thing, but in my chart note that I just read he wrote that he's most concerned about it being cancer. I'm getting a CT scan so we'll see. Fingers crossed. Still a long shot, but I'm rooting for it.

If it's cancer, I just won't treat it. I'll get to die with lots of pain and anxiety meds surrounded by loved ones. Does it get much better than that? No. If it's not cancer, I'll have my SN.

So you wouldn't ctb if you were diagnosed with terminal cancer and the pain and dignity issues?. I have disease and wish.to end.my life.before the disease kills me !.

 

[its-about-time]

So you wouldn't ctb if you were diagnosed with terminal cancer and the pain and dignity issues?. I have disease and wish.to end.my life.before the disease kills me !.

In reality I would likely still ctb, but I think the situation would be sufficiently different so that my loved ones would understand my decision to ctb a bit more or they'd even be somewhat at peace with it. Mental illness has dominated my life and everyone is stuck on "it gets better!!" "permanent solution to a temporary problem!!" etc, when I ctb they will see it as a huge tragedy, whereas if I had a terminal illness they would see it more as going out on my own terms. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through :(

 

[LeavingEarly]

I feel like most "natural" deaths are due to something in your body giving way and you die either bleeding out, heart attack or sepsis. I guess you could spontaneously die in your sleep... However, something usually kills you.

 

[Clearly Canadian]

When I tried partial I almost succeeded and I was barely able to free myself. During the all time I was terrified of death as SI kicked in, and I was fully conscious. It really traumatized me. Now I always hope I won't wake up next morning, or to have a heart attack or something. Something quick and sudden.
But I lack the courage to do it myself, maybe if I had a gun it would be different, it's quick so you don't even have time to process everything. This is a nightmare.

Hi, thank you for your post. I can identify for sure. I am fairly new here and was wondering if there is a place for definitions to the abbreviations ya'll use here. What is SI btw? I thought about Suicidal Ideation, but it doesn't seem to fit the sentences it's used in.

 

[Rational man]

Most natural deaths are extremely shitty, too. The only difference being you're not in control of it. On one hand, that means fear and SI won't force you to stick around; on the other, it means you have less agency in determining your end.

Im dying now ctb seems less like!y and plan B. Plan A was assisted dying but is illegal in UK. Plan B is still possible and it can happen in a flash but im now under care. Ive written dirextives DNR. So I can only hope my end is peaceful and my identity with self ceases. I will return ro nature to help nature's recycling process. Im done. Peace.❤

I feel like most "natural" deaths are due to something in your body giving way and you die either bleeding out, heart attack or sepsis. I guess you could spontaneously die in your sleep... However, something usually kills you.

Few people die in their.sleep. My neighbour was found dead in the garden during the winter. She was putting her washing out to dry. She slipped and couldn't get up..she froze to death that night aged about 90.

 

[befree]

I think almost everybody would prefer to die of a natural death. But what will you do if the suffering is too bad ?

 

[Rational man]

My cousin had just retired a week prior to going to Hawaii. She was in shallow water with a mask on, looking at all the fish. Someone said to my sister, still on the beach, sn't that your friend?" as the person pointed to my cousin who was just floating face down. She had had a heart attack and died while floating in the ocean looking at the colorful fish. Pretty damn peaceful if you ask me. Just like the womb again. (except for the mask and snorkel;;tee hee)
She was a nice person. I'm glad she passed so gently. I may go to Joe's Crab Shack and try my luck sticking my head in the aquarium. But I don't want to get a fatal case of crabs, so maybe chicken wire 'round the head. If you go to Snata Cruz and paddle out and take a nap on a surfboard or in a kayak with Nembutal, there;s a great chance of getting eaten by a great white. But there;s also the chance of some surfers rescuing you. Bummer.

Wow, Amazing death. Sudden and little pain i guess

 

[SassyGirl52]

Death from cancer is not peaceful and quick. I know this because I have lost relatives and friends to this disease.
Cancer is expected to cause a lot of pain and suffering. At a certain point, not even the most potent drugs will be able to relieve the pain and you may spend days screaming in pain.
You won't be able to rest. Sleeping will be very complicated.
You may become weak and any attempt to eat will be in vain as your body will reject traditional food.
And there are few types of cancer that can kill you fast, such as pancreatic cancer. For the vast majority, it will be months before they succumb.

If there's one good thing about dying of cancer, it's that it will allow you to say goodbye to friends and family. And in the end, you will die like a hero and not a "selfish/weak".
There will be time for a "to do list before you die".
However, the disease will drag everyone who loves you, to suffering, sadness and anguish for months until your death.
In the terminal phase, depending on the situation, your suffering will be so great that many will have compassion and wish it all to end soon.
Either way, it will be terrible for everyone.

So dying of cancer is not easy. There will be suffering and probably for a long time.

I really want to die naturally.
The heart suddenly stopped beating would also be great.
Going to sleep and not waking up would be perfect.
But I understand you. If I had the diagnosis of cancer, I would accept it and do only palliative treatment.
Even knowing about the negative points of cancer, in a way it would bring me peace.

Be well and I wish you the best.

I'm sorry but that is not always true. My sister died from cancer last year and she was put into hospice. They kept her unconscious and drugged until she passed away. It took 3 days. My sister desperately wanted to live because she had a young daughter. I often wondered why couldn't it had been me? My kids are grown. Unfortunately, she couldn't get pregnant until she hit 40 and then BOOM it happened out of the blue. Her daughter was only 11 years old. My aunt didn't even know she had brain cancer. She just got a really bad headache one day and three days later she was gone. But I did have a friend who suffered terribly with cancer. You just never know how cancer is going to go. You don't know if you'll suffer or not.