NiicheKey
Suicidology special interest
- Mar 23, 2026
- 12
Hello, just as the title says, I have a problem with going through pain during FSH and I need an advice ASAP.
Sorry if it's too long.
Backstory: Some time ago, I almost managed to CTB with this method. In my history of attempts, it was the most traumatic one. It took too long to step off the stool. I was dropping one leg to make myself dizzy and potentially fall while passing out, but my body automatically stood up before, because it detected uneasiness, the leg on the stool was trembling and the pain on larynx/trachea(?) was uncomfortable. After some time, I kicked it and hanged above the ground. My breathing was blocked TOTALLY, SI kicked in 2 seconds (even though I made peace with death and attempted it for years), legs were searching for stool (I was blindfolded, because it helps with darkness that comes with fainting, so I didn't know where it was) and the worst thing - the rope was burning!!! into larynx/trachea and whole neck, even though I had light padding around and smooth-braided, polypropylene rope. But brain detected it -> SI "it's uncomfortable, I have to reduce it". It was like maybe 7 seconds??(but it felt like half a minute) before my hands found the way to free myself (hint: door).
I'm mad because:
1. I didn't pass out completely (people on videos with poor anchor point and elastic scarf pass out after 5 seconds...)
2. If only I didn't open the door and bore with pain for 5-10 more seconds, I could finally ctb!... but would suffocate painfully, so maybe even longer...
Of course when I fell and took off the rope, I told myself "It wasn't that bad, you have to endure the pain, there is NO painless death. C'mon, try again, coward",( even though I experienced the most traumatic pain ever), but setting everything up again, I didn't even had power to drop one of my legs. So I took sleeping pill, to maybe overcome fear of pain, but that made me lie apathetic in bed and "calm my senses" for most of the day.
After few days, had another FSH failure - the same setup w/out padding, but I didn't even drop, because when clenching on stool, the pain of rope tightening on larynx/trachea(or windpipe? I don't know how to call that in English) (where it shouldn't, I know btw) was stopping me. FYI, I was 100% sure that rope was above the Adam's apple area, seen that in the mirror, so that means that maybe the rope is lowering itself with fall?
When I got down, the sharp, vivid, mental pain that I feel every day and night (it hunts me recently in my sleep too) came back, I broke down and felt the urge that would sure push me into falling. So I step back on stool, so close to fall, but I'm at starting point.
I am sure of death, I am sure of consequences, but how to actually bear the process? I've read threads (about full and partial) and all the responses. I've read people's experiences with this method and how it felt and I'm jealous that they blacked out so quickly and didn't notice the pain OR they bore with physical pain that was quick. I think, because I experienced that hellish suffocating by rope tightening in probably wrong area, I fear of complete fall from stool again and fear of not being in control when it goes not as it should.
• Saying "Nothing matters", "You only bare with few seconds of discomfort before slipping into your beloved peace", "It's been [] years and [][] attempts, you HAVE to succeed somehow!", "Think of the funeral", etc. only helps to overcome fear before falling, but as I said, survival instinct is a bitch that ruins everything and controls this shell of a body and physical movement.
• I think that me failing multiple times in life is stopping me somehow. I know that my current setup and time management is good, but I think, even with graduating desire of end, I'm loosing my hope to successful ctb, when in reality, you have to have determination. I wish I was clueless teenager again, that done partial, OD's and failed stab with cold blood :')
If you've read till the end, congrats. I'll be glad for every reply
Sorry if it's too long.
Backstory: Some time ago, I almost managed to CTB with this method. In my history of attempts, it was the most traumatic one. It took too long to step off the stool. I was dropping one leg to make myself dizzy and potentially fall while passing out, but my body automatically stood up before, because it detected uneasiness, the leg on the stool was trembling and the pain on larynx/trachea(?) was uncomfortable. After some time, I kicked it and hanged above the ground. My breathing was blocked TOTALLY, SI kicked in 2 seconds (even though I made peace with death and attempted it for years), legs were searching for stool (I was blindfolded, because it helps with darkness that comes with fainting, so I didn't know where it was) and the worst thing - the rope was burning!!! into larynx/trachea and whole neck, even though I had light padding around and smooth-braided, polypropylene rope. But brain detected it -> SI "it's uncomfortable, I have to reduce it". It was like maybe 7 seconds??(but it felt like half a minute) before my hands found the way to free myself (hint: door).
I'm mad because:
1. I didn't pass out completely (people on videos with poor anchor point and elastic scarf pass out after 5 seconds...)
2. If only I didn't open the door and bore with pain for 5-10 more seconds, I could finally ctb!... but would suffocate painfully, so maybe even longer...
Of course when I fell and took off the rope, I told myself "It wasn't that bad, you have to endure the pain, there is NO painless death. C'mon, try again, coward",( even though I experienced the most traumatic pain ever), but setting everything up again, I didn't even had power to drop one of my legs. So I took sleeping pill, to maybe overcome fear of pain, but that made me lie apathetic in bed and "calm my senses" for most of the day.
After few days, had another FSH failure - the same setup w/out padding, but I didn't even drop, because when clenching on stool, the pain of rope tightening on larynx/trachea(or windpipe? I don't know how to call that in English) (where it shouldn't, I know btw) was stopping me. FYI, I was 100% sure that rope was above the Adam's apple area, seen that in the mirror, so that means that maybe the rope is lowering itself with fall?
When I got down, the sharp, vivid, mental pain that I feel every day and night (it hunts me recently in my sleep too) came back, I broke down and felt the urge that would sure push me into falling. So I step back on stool, so close to fall, but I'm at starting point.
I am sure of death, I am sure of consequences, but how to actually bear the process? I've read threads (about full and partial) and all the responses. I've read people's experiences with this method and how it felt and I'm jealous that they blacked out so quickly and didn't notice the pain OR they bore with physical pain that was quick. I think, because I experienced that hellish suffocating by rope tightening in probably wrong area, I fear of complete fall from stool again and fear of not being in control when it goes not as it should.
• Saying "Nothing matters", "You only bare with few seconds of discomfort before slipping into your beloved peace", "It's been [] years and [][] attempts, you HAVE to succeed somehow!", "Think of the funeral", etc. only helps to overcome fear before falling, but as I said, survival instinct is a bitch that ruins everything and controls this shell of a body and physical movement.
• I think that me failing multiple times in life is stopping me somehow. I know that my current setup and time management is good, but I think, even with graduating desire of end, I'm loosing my hope to successful ctb, when in reality, you have to have determination. I wish I was clueless teenager again, that done partial, OD's and failed stab with cold blood :')
If you've read till the end, congrats. I'll be glad for every reply
