Anyone else not take suicide seriously?

[orangepulp]

It feels like a joke to me at this point. I don't know if I'm really disassociated from it or something. I buy SN then end up jokingly telling someone about it. It's like I have no control over my actions. I try and be a serious minded adult about it but I just can't. I have no control over my life. I purposely came off my medication to trigger suicidal impulses to get the job done but it hasn't really worked. I want to kill myself even though I'm not suicidal.

I'm home alone and seriously trying to figure out how to hang myself but I don't know where a belt or rope is. Just for the fun of it. I don't know why I can't take it seriously. It feels like there's something in my brain forcing me to want to kill myself when I don't even want to that much.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not that I want to belittle your situation or suffering but- if you're not sure this is something you want to do but feel strangely compelled to do- maybe it would be worth trying to find out why. Of course- that does depend on how your life is and whether you even want to live. Sorry- don't mean to patronise you- just think it might be worth exploring.

I think I can share some of your ideas towards the situation though. I can feel quite flippant towards suicide at times (my own that is.) I suspect- for me- that's gallows humour. Also- I've been very aware of death from an early age- it's been present in my life for 40 years.

Having had so many close family members die early on- you'd think it would have made me realise how fragile and precious life is. It had the opposite effect though- life feels cheap- perhaps not to us but to whatever force that has power over us- be it God, nature, chance. Therefore- in the grand scheme of things- it doesn't matter if or when I die. Of course- emotions then come along to fuck it all up and I realise I can't do it to my Dad.

I think I'm also feeling flippant towards it because I'm trying to kid myself that I'm braver than I actually am. My method is SN too. I've got this ridiculous fantasy that I'll get the awful news that my Dad has passed. I'll immediately start taking meto. (I want to do the 3 day method.) I'll plan out my time and get everything organised in amongst crying for my Dad. Then, I'll just drink the stuff and put up with the pain until I pass. It seems so simple in my head! I'm sure I'm just kidding myself...

 

[suicidesheep31.1]

I agree with @Forever Sleep. It is worth investigating why you want to kill yourself but are not suicidal.
What does this idea brings you?
You did not wake up in the morning thinking it was a funny topics.
When did it start? After what? private/public reasons, news...
I have the feeling that you invalidate the fact that you think about suicide and wonder if this is a real thing.
And maybe that just joking about it is a way for you to communicate to other that you don't feel okay.
I also said at someone I had stuff to do it. Not joking. But I felt the need to tell it.

 

[vultureilse]

i can kinda relate but for me it depends on my mood. sometimes i think of my suicide as of a very dramatic big decision, other times i feel very neutral towards it like im gonna die yeah whatever, often i just cant take it seriously, want to constantly joke about it and feel like attempting or doing something dangerous that could kill me just for fun

and yeah i agree with whats said above

 

[LastFlowers]

No, I take it very seriously, just as I take my reasons and my suffering very seriously.

Treating it like a joke as a coping mechanism or as a way to try to break up awkwardness or tension when disclosing your plans is somewhat understandable, but it sounds like you are confused by what your own self is doing..that you don't actually want to end your life at this time.
It sounds like you really need to take pause and think about why you've taken the steps you have.
Go over things again, rest, do not rush into something like this if you can't even understand why you're doing it.
That's not good.