Discussion anyone else living "the life they dreamed of" and still want to ctb?

[charlavail]

I just went through my facebook photos from the last like 15 years and wow that sucked. I moved to the city I wanted to live in, have a well paying job (that i hate but whatever) traveled to many of the places I've wanted to, graduated college, had fun hair, just did lots of cool stuff.

And I'm still mentally fucked. Maybe it's all my childhood trauma, and then being in abusive relationships and a bunch of other shit but I think to myself that 13 year old me would probably be impressed (aside from my horrible dating history. as someone who has been through domestic violence and other bad relationships. Being used, abused, belittled and abandoned by men is horrible).

It's just interesting to see how even dreams aren't enough. Because I can dream of more things and "hope", and still know the depression and anxiety and panic attacks are always present from when I was 9, when I was SH at 15, when I thought at 17 I'd never make it past 21, and then now here I am at 31. Alive, and still depressed, still anxious. Still miserable. Sure, I've had moments of joy, but the older I get the less those appear.

 

[Warum]

i was close to it for a while. still had urges of wanting to end it. if you are genuinely mentally ill, you will always have these feelings of despair sadly

 

[charlavail]

i was close to it for a while. still had urges of wanting to end it. if you are genuinely mentally ill, you will always have these feelings of despair sadly

i am genuienly mentally ill, which is unfortunate because i didn't ask for it. I mean i didn't even ask to be born. Depression and anxiety run in the family, I've got CPTSD from all my childhood trauma, I'm bipolar and my medical team also think i have bpd so i'm just set up for a life of being pilled up to try and be at a baseline to survive which i mean is that even worth it???

 

[nails]

not currently, but at one point, i did have many of the things that i desired. i still wanted to ctb, and actually attempted at that time because i wanted to die with some shred of happiness.
the actual life that i dream of is genuinely just impossible, but my suicidal thoughts don't decrease even if i get somewhat closer to that impossible life.
i hope this made sense

 

[blisterinthesun]

I achieved a lifelong creative dream but unfortunately my brain is still my brain. The world is still so grey and painful. It's almost harder having reached the goal because in the past that was what I clung to, what kept me going. I thought 'once I get there things will change'. Now it's like I've lost that crutch.

I don't want to dissuade anyone from trying to pursue their dreams btw. I don't regret it. Whatever I decide to do with my life or death I'm glad I stuck around long enough to do it. Plus there's only one way to know whether or not your goal will fulfill you and change things. We're all different.

I just went through my facebook photos from the last like 15 years

Its obvious to say this but I still find it shocking when I realise the disconnect there is between what we see online and what might be going on in people's lives.

I'm sorry you've been through what you have.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

When I was younger i always wanted to be a trucker, I accomplished that and did it for nearly 30 years. Being a trucker also let me travel the country. It paid well, I had my own home, car, money, and a horse.

But of course my health went downhill, had to quit trucking, couldn't make the house payments, had to sell the horse, and still have the car.

Seems like since I had to give up trucking, life went to shit for me. My depression from my preteen years have flared back up, anxiety is through the roof, and any care I had disappeared.

So I'm 56 now, and I think I've accomplished most things I've wanted, but age and health has brought me back down.

 

[RobynByrd2]

I just went through my facebook photos from the last like 15 years and wow that sucked. I moved to the city I wanted to live in, have a well paying job (that i hate but whatever) traveled to many of the places I've wanted to, graduated college, had fun hair, just did lots of cool stuff.

And I'm still mentally fucked. Maybe it's all my childhood trauma, and then being in abusive relationships and a bunch of other shit but I think to myself that 13 year old me would probably be impressed (aside from my horrible dating history. as someone who has been through domestic violence and other bad relationships. Being used, abused, belittled and abandoned by men is horrible).

It's just interesting to see how even dreams aren't enough. Because I can dream of more things and "hope", and still know the depression and anxiety and panic attacks are always present from when I was 9, when I was SH at 15, when I thought at 17 I'd never make it past 21, and then now here I am at 31. Alive, and still depressed, still anxious. Still miserable. Sure, I've had moments of joy, but the older I get the less those appear.

I come from a rich family and have a promising career but I still want to die. I'm transgender and don't pass which makes life miserable 90% of the time. My family is embarassed of me and my grandfather won't talk to me after I came out to him.

Pretty much my only solace in life right now is studying and putting Porcupine Tree albums on repeat. People are so cruel to each other for no reason whether they be black, gay, trans, or any other minority. It makes me despise being a human being and I wish I was never born or at least got the chance to have been born a cis girl.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia (43/M). Even though perhaps by textbook definition my life is already 'good enough', or perhaps might even look 'perfect' by many people's standards, but still, there are some important things that deeply personal & matter the most to me, that I've still failed in all of them. In fact, my life is a failure, and I'm just a middle-aged loser. But nobody knows about the 'real truth', because I always have to constantly wear 'fake mask/smile' when in front of people (especially IRL / in real life / real world). There are only very few people, countable in one hand, & perhaps even just only truly ONE person (aside from my family, of course, obviously) whom truly knows the 'harsh reality' about me & my life. And even then, the only ones who can truly understand are (sadly) just some people online (on the internet), & chat with AI.

I feel like my dreams (& imaginations) are just 'too much/too high' for this very limited/limiting 'reality' (hence, my deeply existential dilemma & depression of 'reality .vs. imagination' human's consciousness problem).

And, watching other people 'getting their dreams' honestly really makes me envy & jealous of them (yes i'm not a saint or jesus, i'm just only a human being who can feel human's emotions). Life is not fair. Some people are lucky, some people are not. Even I've admitted that I was/have been/am 'lucky/fortunate' in some parts of life (which many people even here in my country don't have), but still missing some deeply important aspects in my life, of what I've truly wanted. Personally, I think I've even failed in all my dreams (& visions, idealisms).

And now, there is also the 'nihilism/nihilistic' aspect & side of me, which views life as meaningless. And that only makes me depressed (& suicidal) even more. We're all just a mere speck of dust, in this vast universe. We are nothing. & nothing we do really matters. And I don't buy all those 'toxic positivity' & 'optimism bias' BS that people will easily just quickly & simply say: "Then create your own meaning! Just be happy! Enjoy life!", nor the 'tough love' BS, eg.: "Well, that's life! That's just how it is! That's just the way it is! So deal with it! Suck it up! Be a man!" blah2 etc2. They're all still vain & pointless, especially in the grand scheme of things/everything, & from the cosmic perspective (cosmic time & space).

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes. I mean- not exactly. It's not like I've climbed as high as I'd hoped in my career. But- like you- if I had been told 10, 20 years ago- that I would be where I am- I would have been very encouraged to hear that.

I suppose also, I feel unmotivated with the knowledge that 5 out of 5 people I know who have worked those higher ranking jobs have all said they were treated badly. So- that doesn't exactly give me so much to aspire to.

That resulted in intially making me more content and appreciative of where I'm at but then- now, that's largely gone too. It's all just a sequence of chores I need to push and bribe myself to get through. It's still the better of the evils. I've done far worse jobs but, it's still crap.

It's like there's nowhere left to explore on the map when you've walked the paths you wanted to. I do just want to stop and rest now.