Discussion anyone else living "the life they dreamed of" and still want to ctb?

[charlavail]

I just went through my facebook photos from the last like 15 years and wow that sucked. I moved to the city I wanted to live in, have a well paying job (that i hate but whatever) traveled to many of the places I've wanted to, graduated college, had fun hair, just did lots of cool stuff.

And I'm still mentally fucked. Maybe it's all my childhood trauma, and then being in abusive relationships and a bunch of other shit but I think to myself that 13 year old me would probably be impressed (aside from my horrible dating history. as someone who has been through domestic violence and other bad relationships. Being used, abused, belittled and abandoned by men is horrible).

It's just interesting to see how even dreams aren't enough. Because I can dream of more things and "hope", and still know the depression and anxiety and panic attacks are always present from when I was 9, when I was SH at 15, when I thought at 17 I'd never make it past 21, and then now here I am at 31. Alive, and still depressed, still anxious. Still miserable. Sure, I've had moments of joy, but the older I get the less those appear.

 

[Warum]

i was close to it for a while. still had urges of wanting to end it. if you are genuinely mentally ill, you will always have these feelings of despair sadly

 

[charlavail]

i was close to it for a while. still had urges of wanting to end it. if you are genuinely mentally ill, you will always have these feelings of despair sadly

i am genuienly mentally ill, which is unfortunate because i didn't ask for it. I mean i didn't even ask to be born. Depression and anxiety run in the family, I've got CPTSD from all my childhood trauma, I'm bipolar and my medical team also think i have bpd so i'm just set up for a life of being pilled up to try and be at a baseline to survive which i mean is that even worth it???

 

[nails]

not currently, but at one point, i did have many of the things that i desired. i still wanted to ctb, and actually attempted at that time because i wanted to die with some shred of happiness.
the actual life that i dream of is genuinely just impossible, but my suicidal thoughts don't decrease even if i get somewhat closer to that impossible life.
i hope this made sense