Anyone else have a significant other that they love very much

[affirmatice]

Ugh. Such a pain to be in this situation.

My significant other is such a bright person. The type of person who I dreamed of being with as a kid, who matches everything I wished for.

It almost makes it worse, to have such an amazing person by your side. And to have your problems (in my case chronic health problems) and therefore depressed/suicidal thoughts which are always standing in the way.

She is a big reason I have pushed for this long, but unfortunately, it can't be the only reason I live. I have so much more I need to fulfill, I need to have my own social life, my own happiness, my own self-peace. And unfortunately, I don't have that. Which means, 1) I'm not the great person she deserves and 2) probably sooner or later this relationship would die anyways due to my personal problems. It's not fair for her to be the only reason I'm alive. And for me, I know that as great as she is, my problems are still there and my depression is just as bad.

It just sucks. I want to be the one for her, I want her to be with me forever. But I know that it's not that simple unfortunately, depression/suicidal thoughts stand in the way of everything - relationships are not an exception.

I always wonder what will happen if I CTB. I know she will be hurt, but I know she's strong enough to move on. I feel jealous and badly at the thought of her moving on, spending time with other people, marrying someone else. But I do want her to be happy, and how can I complain about if i'm the one making the choice to CTB and "leave" her. I probably should've even think about it, but I do. I want to be the one for her, and it sucks that I can't do it in this state.

I really don't want to, I just wish I wasn't dealing with this. As messy and painful as CTB already is, this only makes it worse.

 

[greebo6]

Wish I did.

 

[ebg]

I think love is mostly bullshit. Today I saw love letters and drawings my husband had made of his ex and I couldn't help but feel uneasy about it. It made me feel empty knowing that the same things that he said were only unique to me, he said to his ex. I'm not mad at him, it's just a hard truth in life that I don't think I want to accept. I just think of relationships as deluding yourself, there's no "one true person", everybody is replaceable and love is mostly fiction and fairy tales. Sure it can feel nice, but at the end of the day you're really just someone fulfilling another's desires. I don't want to partake in any romantic relationships as it feels like lying to yourself, I think that I'm just going to have close female friends and at times use drugs to fulfill that feeling of oxytocin. Even before I saw these things, I still felt alone and felt like the world was a very hollow place. I have bad anxiety, I think probably my relationship with my parents as a kid messed up my brain, I'm not cut out for relationships and I will just be unpleasant with all my negativity. The world is completely different from how I had imagined it, I want out. Yes I sound like an edge-lord or dramatic right now, but nothing anyone says or does can change my beliefs.

 

[lack]

i did think i love them, but they often disrespect me and tell me things that elude to them not being very loving of me and it leaves me wondering how i'd feel if i was alone and without someone to "love".. maybe it would be better? i don't know. i used to want to be in love so badly, and now it feels like pain and i constantly ask why i would have ever wanted this. it makes me think this is probably not what love is supposed to feel like.

love is fucked up

 

[CinerateX]

I don't and I guess that's part of why I'm here, but even if I don't have experience, I can empathise. CTBing is made all the worse with loved ones around. And I can only imagine the chronic pain too. Sorry you're suffering, friend.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i don't want nor need that . i don't need any kind of relationship with a human

 

[yowai]

I do/did idk anymore, we've been in long distance relationship for a year already because of drug abuse (before that we lived together for 4 years) and I feel like we're starting to go our separate ways cuz I'm still using and he doesn't so I'm a trigger for him if I'm not sober, when I quit therapy and relapsed again we didn't talk for almost a month

Same as you I used to think of him as perfect partner, someone I always dreamed about etc but so many bad things happened. He only visited me twice since our intervention (we live like 120kms away) because I "wasn't well enough" or at least that's what his therapists told him and that was also kind of a breaking point. Like I needed real contact and was so touch starved and lonely but he wouldn't come to not risk getting triggered with my drug cravings. So it's whatever for me now I guess, I won't beg for love