Venting am i the problem

[imsotired005]

I've gotten rid of friendships, quit my job, do my best to care for this man and yet I have one boundary about not wanting him to interact with his ex who he wasnt over when we got together and he immediately tells me im going to ruin the night for trying so hard to regulate by just watching tv and then goes straight to try to sleep when he had no intention to do that prior. I keep trying to tell him I feel like he wont take me serious and he claims to be listening then shoots even further into saying that hes just gonna completely stop interacting with everyone in a situation when i never even had a problem with everyone just him interacting with his ex which causes me to properly lose my shit crying and i almost took my pills and decided to just let him get space from me by leaving once he said i was stressing him out. he tells me i dont understand him that i need to understand but how is it fair to be called her name and be told i should be friends with her when she told me she still held love for him. im so tired i feel like my suicide is going to be impulsive and painful because theres no true way i can get myself to go out and buy everything to go by inert gas the way i prefer and obviously i cant get any N so... i have no one theres genuinely no one im gonna lose my shit this is so painful theres nothing for me i cant do this he tells me he doesnt deserve to be treated like this by me but i kept telling him i felt like i was going to have an episode the further he just cut me off or yelled i dont understand how im in the wrong for wanting ONE boundary respected especially when in the past he told me he would hold to it. everything was getting better he stopped heavily accusing me of things i didnt do i love him so much but i just feel pure hatred from him i think he really despises me unless im perfectly happy and i cant be that. he told me im taking my trauma out on him when i said it to him so i apologized and told him thats why im getting myself back in with my psychiatrist and into therapy in april...
it sucks to be someone who wants to be able to appreciate life but i feel so tired i dont want to do this anymore