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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
she told me she's going to slit her throat exactly 1h15min ago, her last reply was her still contemplating it because she has a hard time doing it bc there's part of her that wants to stay for me. Her parents got successfully contacted about 10 minutes ago..
I'm switching rapidly between crying, panicking, questioning my actions and dissociating
Whatever happens, we're here for whatever support you need. I can't fathom the amount of emotional turmoil you must be experiencing.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
It doesn't sound like a well thought out decision on her part
it wasn't at all, someone said something to her yesterday that made her snap and she lashed out, she got criticized for her behavior by few people both yesterday and today, as she got very defensive
I tried explaining my perspective in a gentle way but it was a mistake bc she wasn't in the right mindset for that, she was too upset
she's not mad at me but I feel like I could have done better to calm her down
Double-suicides have pros and cons, you both need to make sure you've made your decision for yourself, not for the other person. Otherwise things can get messy. If you genuinely want this, think carefully about it and talk about it seriously.
I don't want to die alone, or lose a loved one to suicide when I know I'll just end up immediately following them anyway either, though.
Yeah, I think I talked to her about it once and if I remember correctly, she wasn't against it
It's just that she's in another country

I still try to have hope for her, as she did mention to me she got an idea to turn her life around and I really really 100% believe her idea was great and she's fully capable of what she mentioned she wanted to do, she's an artist just like me and she's extremely good at what she's doing
 
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兎の耳

兎の耳

The ghost of a girl who never lived.
Aug 3, 2023
114
Given the circumstances, I think you acted like a caring friend not a pro lifer.

Choosing to end one's life should never be an impulsive decision, and slitting one's throat sounds like an agonizing, terrifying way to die. Also, while I think it is selfish to want someone to stick around rather than CTBing, it's an understandable and human reaction. I'm a firm believer that the only thing that gives life meaning is the connections we form with others, and to lose a close friend is to lose another tether to this life.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
Whatever happens, we're here for whatever support you need. I can't fathom the amount of emotional turmoil you must be experiencing.
It's a lot, I lost another friend to suicide in 2022
we were playing games, I spend like 3 days with her on voice chat or on the phone, I even promised I'd go with her to a psychiatric hospital so she doesn't have to go alone.. but after a day of playing games, I found out next day that she died at night after taking a "lab substance"
I got traumatized to the point of extreme paranoia where I felt like she was watching me, just like a ghost, I felt constantly watched and like I wasn't alone in my room. and had to take new antidepressants (I'm off of them now though, they didn't help)
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
I even promised I'd go with her to a psychiatric hospital so she doesn't have to go alone.. but after a day of playing games, I found out next day that she died at night after taking a "lab substance"
my goodness❤️, that is absolutely heartbreaking. I can truly understand why you don't want to lose another friend so soon after losing one just last year. Any idea what substance it was because there can't too many substances out there that aren't painful to some degree.
 
SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
Given the circumstances, I think you acted like a caring friend not a pro lifer.

Choosing to end one's life should never be an impulsive decision, and slitting one's throat sounds like an agonizing, terrifying way to die. Also, while I think it is selfish to want someone to stick around rather than CTBing, it's an understandable and human reaction. I'm a firm believer that the only thing that gives life meaning is the connections we form with others, and to lose a close friend is to lose another tether to this life.
Thank you for understanding. Part of me understands her very well, it's just that I can't give up on her yet, I can't accept it yet.. there's still things that I think could help her find more satisfaction from life, she even mentioned a cool idea that could help her..

Our bond is strong as we understand each other's mental health issues, we don't judge each other and we always support one another when in need. She helped me a countless times when my mood was down.. she means a lot to me
my goodness❤️, that is absolutely heartbreaking. I can truly understand why you don't want to lose another friend so soon after losing one just last year. Any idea what substance it was because there can't too many substances out there that aren't painful to some degree.
yeah, it's still fresh
I have no idea what substance it was as it was our mutual friend who told me that, and she refused to tell me the name of the substance
I got a bit mad she kept it from me as I felt like I needed to know to find full closure, but at the same time..... seeing what type of forum I'm writing this on, I don't blame her for not wanting to tell me
the substance could be SN as in my country you can just go buy it in a chem store, I still need to go get it though.. I'm nervous they would ask questions
.
my own mental health shitstorm just kicked in and I wish I could die as well, life is just so unfair and so many people have to suffer
 
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tiger b

tiger b

AI without the I
Oct 24, 2023
1,236
I think your friend and your past friend were/are lucky to know someone as caring as you.
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
yeah, it's still fresh
I have no idea what substance it was as it was our mutual friend who told me that, and she refused to tell me the name of the substance
I got a bit mad she kept it from me as I felt like I needed to know to find full closure, but at the same time..... seeing what type of forum I'm writing this on, I don't blame her for not wanting to tell me
the substance could be SN as in my country you can just go buy it in a chem store, I still need to go get it though.. I'm nervous they would ask questions
.
my own mental health shitstorm just kicked in and I wish I could die as well, life is just so unfair and so many people have to suffer
It's much the same where I'm from too, anyone can buy SN without any fear of a welfare check, it can be bought with ease someone buying a recipe book online, it's just that easy.

I think that mutual friend didn't want any knowledge of this substance to be shared because they feared what would happen which is understandable due to the very sad circumstances surrounding your friend whom you both lost at that time.

Please, don't hesitate to just keep talking whilst you are going through this, you aren't alone even though I've questioned what the hell is life that people have suffer, whether their misery is great or small. You've been through so much and your friends are incredibly fortunate to have someone as genuine and caring as you because to find that is very, very, very, very difficult and takes luck.

If I even met someone half as caring as you, maybe I wouldn't be so eager about locking myself up anymore.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
I think your friend and your past friend were/are lucky to know someone as caring as you.
thank you, that means a lot
my one rule in life is to always add to relationships and never to take away (as in, to provide positive things instead of making others feel worse)
I always want the best for people who I'm close with, I want to be their support and help them any way I can
of course I'm still flawed and make mistakes, I also tend to overthink and blame myself even when I don't do any harm, I'm just very afraid of being a burden
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
I always want the best for people who I'm close with, I want to be their support and help them any way I can
of course I'm still flawed and make mistakes, I also tend to overthink and blame myself even when I don't do any harm, I'm just very afraid of being a burden
You sound like the farthest thing from being a burden, the value you add onto others lives is priceless in my estimation of what we've been able to see thus far until proven otherwise. It's good to recognize that none of us are perfect nor will we ever be but we'll always want what's best for those we care, that much is clear.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
It's much the same where I'm from too, anyone can buy SN without any fear of a welfare check, it can be bought with ease someone buying a recipe book online, it's just that easy.

I think that mutual friend didn't want any knowledge of this substance to be shared because they feared what would happen which is understandable due to the very sad circumstances surrounding your friend whom you both lost at that time.

Please, don't hesitate to just keep talking whilst you are going through this, you aren't alone even though I've questioned what the hell is life that people have suffer, whether their misery is great or small. You've been through so much and your friends are incredibly fortunate to have someone as genuine and caring as you because to find that is very, very, very, very difficult and takes luck.

If I even met someone half as caring as you, maybe I wouldn't be so eager about locking myself up anymore.
thanks ;;
it really does mean a lot, I also wish there were more people in the world who express kindness to one another, we all suffer enough already..
 
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tiger b

tiger b

AI without the I
Oct 24, 2023
1,236
I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I mean it.

We can't always do a 10/10 in trying to support, we can only do the best we can in any given time. For instance I'd love to be supporting you here 10/10 but you get grumpy me on a shitty Monday. Can't even make you a sandwich, that sucks. I hope that will be more useful than not. But you seem to be doing pretty well in a tough situation.

Would you say self-forgiveness is the hardest thing? I'm tempted to think that, for me anyway.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
You sound like the farthest thing from being a burden, the value you add onto others lives is priceless in my estimation of what we've been able to see thus far until proven otherwise. It's good to recognize that none of us are perfect nor will we ever be but we'll always want what's best for those we care, that much is clear.
it is my toxic trait, I think it's just the trauma I went through because of my parents.. even making 1 mistake or causing a misunderstanding is enough for me to fall into a self-hatred spiral
that's just my BPD I guess, my love for others is endless and powerful, but my fear of abandonment is just as strong
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
thanks ;;
it really does mean a lot, I also wish there were more people in the world who express kindness to one another, we all suffer enough already..
Unfortunately, for most people, you are only good enough to be used as a means of convenience until its no longer beneficial to have you around anymore.
 
SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I mean it.

We can't always do a 10/10 in trying to support, we can only do the best we can in any given time. For instance I'd love to be supporting you here 10/10 but you get grumpy me on a shitty Monday. Can't even make you a sandwich, that sucks. I hope that will be more useful than not. But you seem to be doing pretty well in a tough situation.
shitty mondays are the worst indeed, though most of my days are lonely so I'm used to feeling like shit all week round
I'm holding on the best I can, I still have no updates or replies from anyone about the situation, my brain is good at making me dissociate, it's always done that in times of great panic, especially recently as I'm still recovering from an abusive relationship that caused me to start planning suicide. I only got stopped because my friends expressed a lot of care and I felt bad for them, esp one of them who's the mutual friend and who is also traumatized after the friend I mentioned commited suicide last year. I didn't want to re-traumatize her..
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
that's just my BPD I guess, my love for others is endless and powerful, but my fear of abandonment is just as strong
Basically you fear losing what you love correct me if im wrong, I think fear of abandonment is a very real thing to deal with because nobody wants that to happen to themselves. For everything you've shared here, you are definitely a strong individual, not only being there for yourself but for others is a difficult thing even if you do struggle because of your compassion for others being quite powerful.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
Would you say self-forgiveness is the hardest thing?
I think so, yes. I rarely forgive myself, I tend to add to my suffering. it's something I learned from my parents, they always made me feel guilt and like I'm not good enough.. when that's how you grow up, and that's how you learn to exist, it feels impossible to have any self-worth at all
and when I lack any self-worth, how can I feel worth forgiving? that's why my therapist called me a masochist, which I 100% am
 
Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
it's always done that in times of great panic, especially recently as I'm still recovering from an abusive relationship that caused me to start planning suicide. I only got stopped because my friends expressed a lot of care and I felt bad for them, esp one of them who's the mutual friend and who is also traumatized after the friend I mentioned commited suicide last year. I didn't want to re-traumatize her.
I'm so sorry for that as well, I seriously don't know why people hurt others to this extent without thinking about what they'll have to endure from a traumatic perspective. Your friends care about you a great deal so you definitely aren't a burden, you also share a great loss in common with that mutual friend, I think that's something always significant to hold onto.
 
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Jinxyxx

Jinxyxx

Member
Oct 29, 2023
50
In my opinion, you did a good thing. Losing someone close to you to suicide is really agonizing and you already went through that before. I am 100% sure i would make the same choice as you. On top of that, the decision of your friend sounded really impulsive and not thought through... It could have really turned into a mess. And im so sorry both of you are suffering so much. I wish you both all the best
 
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H

Hotsackage

Elementalist
Mar 11, 2019
844
Preserving disaster is always the best option. That's why i will not give advice on ctb methods on here. I think you acted appropriately.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
Basically you fear losing what you love if im wrong, I think fear of abandonment is a very real thing to deal with because nobody wants that to happen to themselves. For everything you've shared here, you are definitely a strong individual, not only being there for yourself but for others is a difficult thing even if you do struggle because of your compassion for others being quite powerful.
it's more so that, there's nothing on this planet that I feel is worse than rejection and abandonment, in my last relationship, my then girlfriend would drop any affection at all, ignore me, change topics and give one-word replies. I was living in literal pain for two weeks, as my emotional pain is strong enough to cause me physical pain, I got daily panic attacks and started abusing both alcohol and xanax. My friends practically begged me to confront that girlfriend and talk to her about her behavior, I decided I would rather kill myself than break up or risk her braking up with me. In the end, I did confront her bc of my friends and after she broke up with me, I started planning my suicide. I'm honest when I say I'd rather be beaten or killed than have someone reject or abandon me, as nothing in the world compares to that pain for me.

BPD has been described as the most painful psychiatric disorder, and it's 100% true.
And it's mostly caused by childhood trauma like emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect.
 
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tiger b

tiger b

AI without the I
Oct 24, 2023
1,236
Garfield was right imo, Mondays are shit and lasagne rules.

Your brain is doing you a favour because it doesn't want you to get swamped with pain. You've a survivor's brain, for sure.

I'm guessing you are on the spectrum, to speak so honestly about yourself with so much clarity?

Here's a thought, only that: you are a masochist, in a way, because you actually would rather take the pain on your own shoulders for yourself than anyone else having that pain? In other words, you do this from perceived strength.

I relate on the self-worth, painfully. I was lucky enough to find some eventually. Another story for another day. And I hate Mondays.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
you are definitely a strong individual
thank you, I don't consider myself that at all, but it's really nice of you to say.. I struggle to turn my life around and put no effort into it, I pretty much gave up
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
in my last relationship, my then girlfriend would drop any affection at all, ignore me, change topics and give one-word replies. I was living in literal pain for two weeks, as my emotional pain is strong enough to cause me physical pain, I got daily panic attacks and started abusing both alcohol and xanax. My friends practically begged me to confront that girlfriend and talk to her about her behavior, I decided I would rather kill myself than break up or risk her braking up with me. In the end, I did confront her bc of my friends and after she broke up with me, I started planning my suicide. I'm honest when I say I'd rather be beaten or killed than have someone reject or abandon me, as nothing in the world compares to that pain for me.
The feeling is too familiar with me. The friends I once had, who were like family, began to slowly phase me out of their life and reject my existence altogether despite all that we had been through, like you, I had to talk quite a number of people out of suicide before and the one friend once said our friendship indirectly stopped him from acting out on his ideation years ago. These are people i considered like brothers I never had and now, they're not here anymore, never even said a word of concern over how or where I even was. That sort of rejection hits me hard because they once accepted my existence in thier life but now, for some reason, I've just come up short and no longer matter.

Abandonment is very difficult to deal with and you've come a long way from then and your experience as you've shared above in the comment. The one thing I take away from this is that you have valuable friends that truly do have your back in stressful and difficult situations even if you didn't want to confront the idea of your then gf breaking it off with you.
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
Garfield was right imo, Mondays are shit and lasagne rules.

Your brain is doing you a favour because it doesn't want you to get swamped with pain. You've a survivor's brain, for sure.
I did experience a ton of childhood trauma, that's where my brain learned to make me dissociate. I struggle with memory loss and lack of ability to focus, but hey.. at least I can go into another dimension in my brain on command and live my life there for hours, a world where I feel loved
I'm guessing you are on the spectrum, to speak so honestly about yourself with so much clarity?
And bingo! I'm autistic :)
I also tend to over-psychoanalyze my every symptom, knowing why I'm so messed up, crazy and full of mental illness is the only way I feel in control, it tends to backfire often though, overthinking isn't a good thing... too bad I'm so good at it
Here's a thought, only that: you are a masochist, in a way, because you actually would rather take the pain on your own shoulders for yourself than anyone else having that pain? In other words, you do this from perceived strength.
It's very nice of you to assume that, sadly I am more messed up than you think. I'm a masochist because I tend to trigger myself on purpose, because being in pain is a state that feels familiar to my brain, and anything that's familiar brings a sense of comfort and safety. I also enjoy physical pain to some extent, like self-harm, and I like imagining myself being physically hurt. I once brought that up my addiction to hurting myself both mentally and physically at a group therapy session, but it felt like no one understood.
 
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H

Hotsackage

Elementalist
Mar 11, 2019
844
Jinx is cool btw
 
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SanguineShark

SanguineShark

I am the monster you created
Jun 23, 2023
219
The feeling is too familiar with me. The friends I once had, who were like family, began to slowly phase me out of their life and reject my existence altogether despite all that we had been through, like you, I had to talk quite a number of people out of suicide before and the one friend once said our friendship indirectly stopped him from acting out on his ideation years ago. These are people i considered like brothers I never had and now, they're not here anymore, never even said a word of concern over how or where I even was. That sort of rejection hits me hard because they once accepted my existence in thier life but now, for some reason, I've just come up short and no longer matter.

Abandonment is very difficult to deal with and you've come a long way from then and your experience as you've shared above in the comment. The one thing I take away from this is that you have valuable friends that truly do have your back in stressful and difficult situations even if you didn't want to confront the idea of your then gf breaking it off with you.
It feels nice being understood, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I experienced similar things, I sometimes self-sabotage my relationship by accident. I also used to be more socially inept, which caused people to dislike me. I think the worst type is when you sacrifice a lot for that one person that you care about so much, only to be replaced by someone else..

And my current friends are amazing, though it's hard for me to vent to them as they have a low stress tolerance, I get it bc my issues tend to be very heavy and not everyone is able to deal with that
Jinx is cool btw
She's my favorite character!! I relate to her A LOT and have an extreme obsession with her
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,276
I also enjoy physical pain to some extent, like self-harm, and I like imagining myself being physically hurt. I once brought that up my addiction to hurting myself both mentally and physically at a group therapy session, but it felt like no one understood.
I did self-harm, years ago when I absolutely went to town on my left arm quite a number of times. I don't think people are open to even understanding that there are people who truly do have such addictions, I didn't understand it myself until I was in it plus it took a while to eventually stop self-harming. Whenever I did self-harm, I truly gave into a bit of self-hatred which made me want to do it even more, it was hard to get past.
 
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kilowatt

kilowatt

A gun is the greatest negociator
Sep 9, 2023
323
I see nothing wrong in telling an individual such method is really risky and could lead to a really bad outcome if they survive. In this context I find it really reasonable, I know what it's like to feel the panic of the moment when someone tells you they wan't to suffer a painful death right there and then. You don't have to feel bad, to me it seems like it was clearly an impulse attempt type of thing so it might be even better you stopped her. Wish you the best.
 
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tiger b

tiger b

AI without the I
Oct 24, 2023
1,236
I apologise if I seemed like I was probing a bit. I merely wish to understand, not to label or direct.

Analysis is control or...paralysis analysis? I think I get the picture. Overthinking without direction can - can - lead to thoughts swirling round and round in circles. Definite curse of the INFJ, if you believe that stuff.
It's very nice of you to assume that, sadly I am more messed up than you think. I'm a masochist because I tend to trigger myself on purpose, because being in pain is a state that feels familiar to my brain, and anything that's familiar brings a sense of comfort and safety. I also enjoy physical pain to some extent, like self-harm, and I like imagining myself being physically hurt. I once brought that up my addiction to hurting myself both mentally and physically at a group therapy session, but it felt like no one understood.
Ah. Now that I DO know personally, mentally not physically.
 
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