Venting Afraid of death but not wanting to live

[Kilojewel]

I've been in therapy for a while. She has no Idea I'm suicidal. No one does. My life is going better than it was. But I feel this deep sense of loneliness. I want to want to live you know? But honestly, things have been bad for so long I'm just tired.

Today I actually looked into methods. What is actually viable for me. I still feel afraid but SN is looking really appealing if I end up making a plan.

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I know once I start writing notes I'm on a deep downwards spiral. I haven't yet, but I'm starting to lose the will to resist. I don't really believe life gets better anymore. I think it just sucks in a different way.

I know I'll be missed, but I'm tired of caring for others. I just want to care for me. Weird calling suicide self care but here we are.

I guess I feel alone. And I hoped that someone here would understand that bone deep loneliness. I'm not making plans yet, but I'm dabbling. And it's not like you can just chat to someone suicide methods over brunch.

 

[coffeebeany]

I feel you

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I hear you. Too tired of having to exist, too complicated to end my existence.

 

[Opera]

Relatable, scared of death but wanting to end it while looking for methods