pumpkins334234
Member
- Jun 30, 2024
- 45
so I have decided to CTB around november or maybe january. I don't want to ruin christmas or chinese new year for my family, so i think I will at least wait for all the major holidays to be over. i just don't know how to have my family and loved ones accept this. I know it was stupid, but i had a conversation with my boyfriend about it, i was trying to get him to understand that i would be happier. he was really stubborn which was really frustrating, he refused to listen to any point i had to say and kept reiterating all people have the "right to live" until they die a natural death. obviously i get it, i can't get mad at someone for not wanting to accept their loved one will commit suicide. the good thing is he doesn't take me seriously when i say this so he isn't suspicious at all.
i will leave them all individual notes i think. My parents believe in heaven and that that's where my brother is so they will be able to cope thinking the same thing about me. i feel the worst for my siblings, who have already lost two to suicide, and now a third one. I think they will understand, but they will also be really really upset with me if i survive so i need to find a way to ensure the notes only reach them after i am 100% dead. i think i will entrust them with someone i know irl who is also pro-suicide, unfortunately we fell out a while ago but he's pretty much my only option.
the worst part is that i know that everyone will be angry with me if i survive, and probably more so if i die. i can understand it, but at the same time it bothers me that they want me to endure pretty much endless night terrors, flashbacks, etc. i guess i will put it in my notes.
i also have a significant amount of money saved up. i want to donate it to a charity, and there are lots of homeless people outside where i live, so i think right before i die i will spend the day giving a lot to them. if this is a bad idea please let me know. the list goes like
- donate my books/belongings (leave sentimental value ones behind)
- donate all my clothes
- smaller items like trinkets, etc, i will leave to friends ( would this be too painful for them?)
- purge my belongings of stuff i can't give away or donate
- donate money
i have already acquired SN and now need to worry about stuff that will ease the process. i will do it at a hotel when my boyfriend goes to work. i am happy and at peace with my decision, but i want the people around me to feel the same way as well instead of angry and upset.
sorry for a long all over the place post, i needed to get my thoughts in order.
i will leave them all individual notes i think. My parents believe in heaven and that that's where my brother is so they will be able to cope thinking the same thing about me. i feel the worst for my siblings, who have already lost two to suicide, and now a third one. I think they will understand, but they will also be really really upset with me if i survive so i need to find a way to ensure the notes only reach them after i am 100% dead. i think i will entrust them with someone i know irl who is also pro-suicide, unfortunately we fell out a while ago but he's pretty much my only option.
the worst part is that i know that everyone will be angry with me if i survive, and probably more so if i die. i can understand it, but at the same time it bothers me that they want me to endure pretty much endless night terrors, flashbacks, etc. i guess i will put it in my notes.
i also have a significant amount of money saved up. i want to donate it to a charity, and there are lots of homeless people outside where i live, so i think right before i die i will spend the day giving a lot to them. if this is a bad idea please let me know. the list goes like
- donate my books/belongings (leave sentimental value ones behind)
- donate all my clothes
- smaller items like trinkets, etc, i will leave to friends ( would this be too painful for them?)
- purge my belongings of stuff i can't give away or donate
- donate money
i have already acquired SN and now need to worry about stuff that will ease the process. i will do it at a hotel when my boyfriend goes to work. i am happy and at peace with my decision, but i want the people around me to feel the same way as well instead of angry and upset.
sorry for a long all over the place post, i needed to get my thoughts in order.
